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Tuesday, October 19, 2004

 
Vote Bush, Get Bush?

Part One:

More Republicans are satisfied with their sex lives than Democrats according to a "Primetime Live" survey.

But ABC, in an attempt to destroy ANY information that might make Republicans look human or, in this case, more attractive to swing voters than Democrats, downplayed the survey by explaining that more men tend to be Republican and men tend to be more sexually satisfied.

What a bunch of propagandist crap! What man do you know (including yourself (if you are a man)) is SATISFIED with the amount of sex he has? NONE. The answer is ZERO. Men always want MORE sex. MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE. "In the mornin', in the evenin', ain't we got fun!" Any time of day, any day of the week, every week of the year, men always want more sex.

A conversation you will never hear or have:

Hot Woman (insert man if you're ... you know): Hey, let's have hot sex as many times as you want until, after hours upon hours of the horizontal AND vertical macarena, your heart finally explodes from the constant flow of blood to your throbbing python of love. Then, after your corpse hardens from rigamortis, we'll do it again for good measure.

Man: I think I'll pass; I have a headache.

THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN. EVER.

"But what about Priests?" -- Don't make me go there.

"But what about monks?" -- They're not real men.

"But what about X?" -- Real mean = want more sex. If X does not want more sex, then X is either an imposter male or a woman.

Part Two:

I'm not sure what implications this new survey will have on the swing vote crowd. The message seems to be, "If you vote Republican your sex life will be better. With a candidate whose last name is synonymous with vagina, how can you go wrong?"

There is still no data on the survey implications for gay Republicans.

Part Three:

The survey also indicated that more Democrats fake orgasms. Again, ABC attributed this to more women being Democrats than Republicans, and, stereotypically, women fake orgasms more than men.

Newmanisms would like to say that there is still no evidence, to our liking, that proves that women actually can have an orgasm. It's a big myth.

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Please don't send me hate mail; I'm just kidding.

Or am I?

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No really I am...

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...not...

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...not kidding.

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