Sunday, January 04, 2004

Newspaper Headline Predictions for 2004

World Shocked: Howard Dean Actually Killer Robot from Planet Tarcomed: Wins Dem Pres Nomination by Landslide

Jury Finds Michael Jackson Guilty of Being Freakish: Life in Prison

Air Found to Cause Cancer

Bin Laden Captured in California: Filed Papers to Run for Governor

Bush Re-elected After Landslide Victory Over Evil Robot Dean: Plans to Go to Disney World

Saddam Admits to Having WMDs: Troops Confirm After Discovering Stockpiles of Bowling for Columbine Movies

Newspaper Headline Predictions for 2035 (From the Lone Tree Leader: Onarga, Illinois)

Ozone Created by Electric/Hydrogen Cars Now Killing Millions in the Seventh Largest Country in the World, California

White Minorities Still Trying to Have English Recognized as California's Third Language

Spotted Owl Plauge Threatens Northwestern US Crops & Livestock

Baby Conceived Naturally: Scientists Stumped

Castro Dies at Age 112: Cuban Cigars Now Legally Imported: President Chelsea Clinton Bans All Smoking

George Z. Bush Annoucnes He Will Run for President in 2036

Postal Service Raises Price of First Class Stamp to $17.89: Reduces Mail Delivery to Wednesdays Only

Thirty-five Year Study: Diet and Excercise - Keys to Weight Loss

Massachusetts Executes Last Remaining Conservative

Supreme Court Rules Punishment of Criminals Violates Their Civil Rights

Average Height of NBA Players Now Nine Feet, Seven Inches

Federal Law Requires All Nail Clippers, Screw Drivers, Fly Swatters, and Rolled Up Newspapers Be Registered by January 2036

Congress Authorizes Direct Deposit of Illegal Political Contributions to Campaign Accounts

Capital Hill Intern Indicted for Refusing to Have Sex with Congressman

IRS Sets Record Low Tax Rate at 75.5%

Florida Democrats Still Baffled by Concept of Voting


Ah...what a wonderful future we have in store...

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