Friday, December 19, 2003

Material Candidate

Stop what you're doing. Madonna speaks.

Madonna, like many other self-obsessed dumb-as-a-box-of-filth idiots celebrities, has a political opinion she believes actually matters. Actually, I'm fine with this. Everyone has an opinion, and they should be allowed to express it. My beef is with the Communist news media and its belief that people actually CARE about what Madonna and any other celebrities have to say:

Communist News Guy: Holy Marxist Utopia Wolf! In every poll known to man, Bush beats ANY Democrat. In fact, the guy closest to beating Bush is some new candidate named "Unnamed Democrat." What are we to do!? *sob*

Wolf Blitzer (what a Communist name): We must convince Democrats to vote Democrat. We must find a celebrity Democrat voters look to for moral guidance, fashion advice, and recipes.

Commie Guy: Who?! Hussein has been captured and Joseph Stalin is dead…

*ring of a telephone*

Commie Guy: Hello? Madonna! Oh my gawd! We haven’t talked in forever! How’s yer baby…

Wolf: *lightbulb* Give me the phone! Madonna, this is Wolf Blizter, I wanted to ask…what?...OF COURSE ITS MY REAL NAME! Which Communist…I mean Democrat (I have to stop saying that) do you support for president? Uh huh….mmhmmm….WHAT? What do you mean you’re turning over a new leaf and want to vote for Bush!? Have you been watching CNN for your daily brainwashing!? I thought not. I’m putting you on hold.

Commie Guy: Why did you put her on hold?

Wolf: Listen…*holds the receiver to Commie’s ear*

Man on Phone: You don’t want to vote Republican. Republicans are Nazis. They hate bunnies, old people, and Noam Chomsky. You don’t hate Noam Chomsky…do you?

Commie Guy: mmmmmm…communism……….

Wolf: *takes Madonna off hold* So, who’ll it be?

Madonna: mmmmmmm…sweet succulant commun…

Wolf: Yes! I know! What Democrat will you vote for!

Madonna: *choking on her saliva* w…ek;ljasssssss …..kkkkk…..ccc..klll….

Wolf: Hmmm…..sounds like Wesley Clark to me…TO THE LENIN MOBILE! The world MUST KNOW!!!

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