Sunday, December 21, 2003

Confessions of a Straight Man

I sit before my computer, crying softly, questioning my manhood. On the TV...*sigh*...I can't say it...but I must. On the TV...Trading Spaces.


I can't help myself. As I apathetically channel surf, my mind subconsciously tells my fingers to click those special numbers on my black, sleak, manly remote: Two. Eight. Zero. Channel: T L C

My mind tells me, "Don't worry. TLC is a subsidiary of the Discovery channel. They'll have some manly show on like 'The Secrets of Super Spies,' 'How to be a Pirate,' or 'Cars, Trucks, and Big Busted Women.'"

Content with my mind's reasoning, I allow my fingers to click click click their way to TLC.

"What's this?" asks my brain. "A forty-eight hour Trading Spaces marathon?! I had no idea THIS would be on...we better change the channel..."

"Wait!" I reply, "Maybe they'll use some manly power tools...(?)."

"Oh...ok..." my brain answers with that maniacl smirk...you know the smirk.

I sit and watch for hours upon hours, amazed, dazzled, stunned by the use of color and the total transformation each room endures.

"Bravo Doug, fabulous use of fabric! Astounding artwork, Kia! And Paige...oh my sweet, darling, exquisite Paige...how skillfully you control their $1000 budget...how masterfully you aid each team in their quest for design utopia. You, Paige, are truly the diva of design, the Queen of color...you are the Matriarch of mediation!" Alas, my vocalized praise is for naught. I quickly I forget; they cannot hear me...


I admit: I am addicted to Trading Spaces. I am addicted to their witty fashion designer jokes, the creative design schemes, and the fantastic custom-made furniture. How can one NOT be enthralled!? GIVE ME MORE OF THAT TWO DAY DESIGN ORGY!!!


Am I alone? Am I the only straight guy who enjoys a nice pastel with amazing accent colors? Surely not! Straight male fans of Trading Spaces...UNITE! Get in touch with your feminine side! It's ok to cry, to do your nails, to spend sixteen hours doing your hair, to dress in gay fashion of the 90s! Together, we shall create a super society of men who think they're women!

We must show the world the wonders of metrosexuality!!!



Screw that. Where's my flannel shirt...

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