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Friday, November 14, 2003

 
The Matrix: Repulsion

A public service announcement from Newmanisms:

The first Matrix sucked. Plain and simple. The second Matrix sucked on a level only obtained by one other movie: Dude, Where's My Car? Having said this, one would think I'd never step foot in the third movie. But alas, even I fall victim to advertising. "But the movie trailers looked so good and destructive!" I told myself. And to be honest, the movie had it's semi-not-so-boring-that-I-could-actually-watch-without-wanting-to-inflict-pain-on-myself-or-others moments. But you see, movies cannot depend on special FX alone. (Do the words Attack of the Clones ring a bell?)

Thus, as a service to all of humanity, Newmanisms would like the following label put on all Matrix posters:

"Warning: This movie has not been approved by Newmanisms and, thus, watching it will bring you immense pain and suffering. Newman knows what's best for you. This movie may cause severe bleeding of the rectum as it is akin to being sodimized by an elephant using a sandpaper condom. If you are seeing this movie with your children, don't. Parents have been known to devour their young after witnessing this monstrosity as if to say, "YOU FILTHY BASTARD CHILD! YOU DRAGGED ME TO THIS! I SHALL EAT YOUR SOUL..." Finally, after watching this movie, you may have an urge rip your eyes out with your ticket stub and proceed to pour salt in the newly formed orifices to relieve the pain of having seen the visual equivalent of a chainsaw to the testicles."

As the second part of this public service announcement, I would like to offer alternative activities you and your family can "enjoy" and receive the same sensations as if you saw the Matrix: Revolution.

1. Take turns shocking each other with a tazer. Make sure it's on high and is only used on your bare skin...while you're standing in water...and piranas are eating you feet...

2. Pour bleach into your eyes. After the burning subsides, have everyone else kick you in the head until you lose consciousness.

3. Play a game of duck, duck, goose......WHILE EATING GLASS!

4. Finally, have everyone pretend their in the Matrix and attempt to force their arm into the person next to them then jump off a skyscraper.

Please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please do not see this movie if you value life and/or sanity.

In fact, stand outside the theatre and charge people $7.00 (or more) to have their head put in a blender. Tell them they've just experienced the Matrix: Revolution...

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