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Wednesday, November 12, 2003

 
The Court of Newman

***WARNING: JUDGE NEWMAN IS HIGHLY OPINIONATED IN HIS OLD AGE. HIS COMMENTS MAY NOT BE APPROPRIATE FOR CHILDREN OR THOSE WITH THE MENTALITIES OF CHILDREN I.E. DEMOCRATS, FRENCH PEOPLE, CANADIANS, CELEBRITIES, OR MICHAEL MOORE. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.***

All rise. Court is now in session, the honorable Judge Daniel T. Newman presiding.

Judge Newman: Be seated.

Random Courtroom Guy: There are two cases to be heard today, your honor: Catherine Zeta-Jones v. Atkins and Rosie O'Donnell v. the rest of humanity.

Newman: Alright. Let's make this quick. The more time I sit here listening to celebrities rant mindlessly is less time I have for not sitting here listening to celebrities rant mindlessly. We'll have a look at the Jones case first.

Catherine Zeta-Jones: Your honor, there are people claiming I lost weight with the Atkins diet. I want to sue anyone who says these mean awful things. These people are wrong and I think I'm important blah blah blah I'm a dumb wench blah blah blah eat cheesecake.

Newman: Ms. Jones, I think you're right. How could anyone think you lost weight by using the Atkins diet. It's pretty obvious to me you lost weight with all the wild sex you get from your young, vivacious husband... HA! Who am I kidding? Your Cro-magnum husband doesn't have enough libido to keep a rock hard.

In conclusion, Ms. Jones, who the hell cares what people say about your diet? Whether you endorse a product or not doesn' t mean people can't speculate about your weight loss.

I find you guilty of gross stupidity, and I sentence you to never again speak without wearing this collar. Every time you speak, it sprays your face with a fine mixture of pepper spray and sulfuric acid. Case closed. NEXT!

Random Courtroom Guy: Rosie O'Donnell v. the rest of humanity

Rosie O'Donnell: Yer Oner, I have a bone to pick with you...

Newman: When I want shit out of you, Ms. O'Donnell, I'll have the guards hit you with a night stick and rip it from your unconscious body.

Rosie: ...

Newman: That's what I thought. Now, Ms. O'Donnell, you're claiming that you left Rosie magazine because you were not involved with editorial meetings and such, and the magazine is suing your for breach of contract. I don't understand. You lost already. Why did you bring this arrogant lawsuit into MY court...?

Rosie: That's correct yer oner, no one won in first case, but I think dat...

Newman: Ms. O'Donnell please remember we are not here to listen to what you think, but to belittle you in hopes of destroying your self esteem to a point where you will never show your face on television, in a movie, or in public ever again.

Now, in this case, I find you and your magazine guilty. You, Ms. O'Donnell, are guilty of what I like to call ITIIBIRNAISBFFTMLHAVECTSAM Syndrome or, as it's more commonly called, "I Think I'm Important But I'm Really Not And I Should Be Flogged For Thinking My Life Has Any Value Even Compared To Say A Maggot" Syndrome. Many celebrities suffer from this and the only cure is a severe beating by ninjas which you will now endure.

*The Ninjas drag away Rosie*

Newman: As for the magazine company, I find them guilty of ignorance for thinking they should make a magazine about a pompous idiot like Rosie O'Donnell. They executives shall be fined $9,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,032.83 or have their faces removed with a cotton swab. Their choice. Cases closed.

I'm going to eat a steak.

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