Wednesday, September 10, 2003

Democrat Debate Turns to Bushwhacking

For all of you out there that had no interest in watching a bunch of pompous windbags trying to out do each other with trivial comments about our president and his policies, don't worry. I watched the Democrat Debate on FOX so you didn't have to. Aren't I nice guy? You should pay me more.

As the FOX story says, there was no real winner in last night's debate. The only thing these nine Jackasses could win is a free kick to the face courtesy of me. I've never seen nine more completely uninteresting and boring people in my life. They are the political form of Valium.

They wouldn't be so bad, but none of them have any original ideas. Bob Graham came the closest to almost having a thought of his own when he said, and I quote, "Tonight in America, our people are ass..." Then there was a long pause and he went on. We must conclude from this ?Freudian Slip? ?subliminal message? that Bob Graham looks at the American people as a piece of ass, and if he's elected president everyone gets a free tube of KY for the SODOMY THAT WILL SOON FOLLOW!

But alas, that was the one and only new idea presented at the debauchery debate. The rest was typical of Democrats; they slammed the president and his ideas but failed to present any of their own (besides the ass-raping idea). They went on and on about how this president sucks and how he's a loser and how he smells funny...frankly, it was like watching a bunch of 5 year olds debating:

John Edwards: "That George guy is way stooopid."

Al Sharpton: "Yeah, and I heard he likes girls....

All (minus Carol Moseley Braun): "EWWWWWW!"

Carol: "Yeah, well, boys have cooties!"

Dick Gephardt: "I have to go poopy."

Sadly though, those were quotes right off the transcript. As you can see, the debate was lively and opinionated with Al Sharpton clearly taking a comanding position.

There is one positive thing I can say about last night: the questions were HELLA hard, ranging from "Why are you so fabulous?" to (REAL QUESTION COMING) "What is your favorite song?" Yes folks, I guess America just couldn't vote for a candidate unless they publically announced their favorite song. The Answers?


John Edwards: "I'd have to say my favorite song is Please Don't Mistake Me for JFK Cause I'm Not Nor Will I Ever Be as Great as He Even Though, in all Actuallity, He Sucked as a President by John Edwards."

Dennis Kucinich: "My favorite song is definately the Oompa-Loompa song from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory...you know the one! OOMPA LOOMPA OOMPITY DO I'VE GOT ANOTHER TAX HIKE FOR YOU..."

Moderator: "That's not how it goes Mr. Krochich."

Kucinich: "Oh...well.....................DOWN WITH CAPITALISM!"

Dick Gephardt: "Mr. Cellophane..."

Jean Kerrie: "Deed I happen to mentchion zat I served een Vietnam?!?"

Moderator: "YES Monseiur Kerrie you mentioned that you served in Vietnam..."

Jean Kerrie: "Oh...I was just making shooore."

Moderator: "You're favorite song?"

Jean Kerrie: "But of course...it is Frere Jacques you silly English k-ni-ght!"

Moderator: "Right..."

Bob Graham: "My favorite color is Bluuuuuuuuuuue."

Moderator: "Not your favorite color Mr. Grahmn, YOUR FAAAVOOORIIITTTEE SSSOOOOONNNNGGG..."

Bob Graham: "Yes, I once had a dog once. His name was Poofy and he lived to be 17 years old..."

Moderator: "Moving on..."

Joe Lieberman: "Oy vey! My favorite song...it is the Driedal Song...OY! Do you want a bagel!?"

Carol M. Braun: "The song that has really touched my life..."

Moderator: "No one cares. You can't win anyway...moving on."

Howard Dean: "After deep consideration I'd have to say that most favorite song is American Pig Dogs by Nedal Nib Amaso..."

Moderator: "Isn't that Osama Bin Laden *gag* backwards?"

Howard Dean: "What's your point?"

Moderator: "Next."

Al Sharpton: "If I had to pick ONLY one song, which seems kind of racist to me in the first place, I would have to pick...START THE MUSIC BOYS!!!!"

*Annoying rap music*

Al Sharpton: "BABY GOT BACK!!! I like big BUTTS AND I CANNOT LIE..."

Moderator: "Ok Mr. Sharpton...that's quite enou...KEEP YOUR CLOTHES ON DAMMNIT!! YOU TOO KUCINICH!"


And thus the debate ended in a tie.

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