Friday, August 22, 2003

Of Monkeys and Men: A Biography of Glenn Reynolds

Helga von Hippiestein, whom we know today as "Glenn Reynolds," was born around 60 B.C. (Before Cleanliness) to Mr. & Mrs. Hippiestein--two very proud simian parents. Glenn had a troubled childhood. Many of her siblings just hated her. They use to laugh, and call her names. They never let poor Helga join in any simian games.

Helga grew very bitter as she aged. The constant laughing and fingerpointing of her hairy brothers and sisters slowly drove her to an intense insanity. She began to stay up very late at night and plan the destruction of the world, but she knew she would be too weak to accomplish such an attack on her own. So one day, late at night, she climbed out of her tree and headed off for ... (BUM BUM BUUUUMMM)... Somewhat Evil Mountain.

Her peregrination took many perilous minutes to reach the peak of the 13 ft mountain. She put her hands on the Ancient Stone of Beelzebub located on the zenith of the mighty mountain and prayed to be turned into a genius, with immortality, good looks, stunning literary skills, two large cokes, and a side of fries...

The clouds parted and lightning flashed over the now sickly green sky. The animals ran with a fear for their life. Helga, not knowing the awesome power she unleased, tried desperatly to remove her furry hands from the Ancient Stone of Beelzebub, but to no avail--someone had already covered it in super glue.

"Sticking" to her origial plan, Helga let the fear leave her body and accepted her fate.

Suddenly! A HUGE Flash and POOF...who should appear? Only the most diabolical, hideously ugly, sinister, person ever to unleased from the bowels of hell...Hillary Clinton.

And then...the evil spoke saying:


Helga looked up at the mostrocity that Hillary called a face and immediatly turned to stone.

"Shit! I hate it when that happens!" Exclaimed the mighty and fugly (fucking ugly) Hillary who then turned Helga back to a monkey and put on a Carrot Top mask to hide her grotesque mug.

"You are brave little monkey girl to awake such an omnipotent, evil, and not mention appalingly ugly, creature from a sleep that has lasted since the dawn of time. Have you no idea what wicked evil you have brough forth onto your trivial planet!?"

Helga responded by throwing her poo at Hillary.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I'm suppose to be the only one that peddles shit around here!!! You are by far the most meniacally evil creature I've had the misfortune to set eyes upon...your evil is so great that I shall make you into the perfect weapon of destruction! You're might will be unsurpassed and your intellect greater than every living person combined!" Hillary waved her long, sword-like fingernails and a cloud of smoke surrounded Helga. When the cloud cleared, Helga was no longer Helga. Helga looked down and noticed she had a banana between her legs...

"You shall now be known as...(BUM BUM BUMMMMMMM) GLENDA Reyn..o...l........dsssssss.....why the hell do you have a penis now? Shit, I messed up the spell again. Ah well...You shall now be known as...


...I said...you shall now be known as...


(BUM BUM BUUUUUUMMMMM)...GLENN REYNOLDS!!!!" *lighting & thunder*

"Now for the final touches...The next few phrases shall give you powers beyond your comprehension as a former ape. First, the power of speech. Heiney Wheiny Hooky Wooooooooky!!!"

Glenn could feel her...uh...er...HIS throat changing...and he uttered his first words, "Puppy....*cough*.....Puppy Blender..."

"Yes, very good, my child. Now I shall give you knowlege of things beyond anyone's comprehension. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMM IIIEEEE AAAA OOOO UUUUU MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM SHIPOOPI!"

Glenn had visions of tanks, nuclear war, the internet, and free porn.

"Now for the last step...IMMORTALITY!!! *thunder & lightning* It is very important that all the words are said. If they aren't, you will only live until somone outwits you...YOYO MEEMO BADDABINGBO HOOKER LOOKER MEGA YOOOOUuuu....*cough*.......*hack*.....GHHHEEE *cough*....shit...we'll have to finish this another time, I need a cigarette."

And with that, the evil was gone...but not forever...(But that's another story)...

Glenn used his new found powers to wreak havoc on the unsuspecting world. He was responsible for many a evil deed such as WWI, WWII, the atomic bomb, and Yanni. He eventually used his power to control the media from his homebase INSTAPUNDIT It's not known to many that he was the cause of all of these evils, but I've secretly hacked into his personal diary, and that's how I'm able to give you this biography...here is an excerpt from his most secreat files (WARNING - What you're about to read has killed many a Ninja):

"Good morning my sweet little journal! I woke up this morning with a headache, so I drank some blood of a virgin and that made it go away--it always does! Then I had my daily puppy shake--made from LIVE puppy, of course. Without my puppy shakes I'd be easily outwitted by my enemies and then I'd die. That would suck!! HEHEHE. Oh...well...I wonder if Mark will ever notice me. I call him 25 times a day but he doesn't return my calls....You're truly my only friend diary. I think I'm going to go out now and kick some hobos or something...maybe slaughter a few innocent dolphins too..."

As you can see, he stupidly points out how he's able to outwit his enemies...it's those DAMN PUPPY SHAKES. If only there were some group of people, say an Alliance, that's sole purpose was to bring down the evil that is Glenn Reynolds...it couldn't be named something cool. Say, "The Blogger Alliance" for example...if that existed we could EASILY end his hobo-kicking, puppy drinking days...

...if it only existed...


Wait a tick...

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