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Sunday, May 01, 2005

 
Second String

The a cappella quartet I helped start now has a new home: Second String.

Be sure to link to Second String (www.ssquartet.com)

Monday, April 11, 2005

 
More Quizzes that Claim to Know You Better than You Know You...

fbbfb
Complete sincerity: You believe in being
straightforward with others, and you expect the
same from them. People would consider you a
good listener, and one who is calm and mostly
serious.


Which Characteristic From the Samurai Code Matches You Best? (You may find out your best trait)
brought to you by Quizilla

Monday, March 21, 2005

 
Killing Terri

Terri Schiavo's husband, Michael, wants her dead. Ok, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt: Michael claims Terri would want to die if she knew she were in her current "persistent vegetative state."

The Traumatic Brain Injury Research Guide defines "persistent vegetative state (PVS)" as, "A long-standing condition in which the patient utters no words and does not follow commands or make any response that is meaningful."

The Oregon Brain Injury Resource Network defines PVS in the EXACT same way.

Finally, Healthlink, provided by the Medical College of Wisconsin, defines PVS as, "a condition in which individuals have lost cognitive neurological function and awareness of the environment but retain noncognitive function and a perserved sleep-wake cycle."

Persistent vegetative state?! The descriptions sound more so like students in a macroeconomics class. Name one student enrolled in Ecomonics 101 that hasn't lost "cognitive neurological funtion" and isn't in a "perserved sleep-wake cyle" and I'll produce the Easter Bunny.

If Terri deserves to die, then so does every freshmen business major.

 
Wow...it's been a while...

I blame you.

Yes, you, Millikin.

Oh, not you, reader.

Don't be silly.

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

 
Napoleon Dynamite: Worst Movie Ever

To those who had the audacity to lie to my face, ever so happily telling me that this "movie" was, and I quote, "funny,":

...

...

...

...

...



The above applies to everyone but Carrie, who, I'm sure, had the best intentions when recommending the movie. But seriously...

Did anyone actually watch the movie before recommending it? What was actually funny about this movie? Between the heavy breathing and the awkward silence amidst some of the worst dialouge ever written, the only thing funny about this movie were the freaktards laughing at it (no offence, of course).

I had a feeling...a repulsion you might say...watching this movie. As if I just experienced a live porn, a midget porn...a gay midget porn, with ponies and old people. Yes, it was about that awkward and horrifying, only...add ewoks.

The best part about Napoleon Dynamite was the credits. And the part where I beat his clavicle in with an ironing board.

-5 milliontybillion stars.

Sunday, December 26, 2004

 
"Thy Candles Shine So Brightly..."

Humor: binding us together, a stronger adhesive than love, perhaps, if only for a brief moment; bringing social civility, in a normative sense, to a family so often consumed by emotional altercations--never physical, always painful, dim.

Tonight, like in Christmases past, distress took a holiday. For some years now, Christmas, one of two times during the 365, has acted as a catalyst of peace, a time when my family, acting almost as a single entity, functions--well.

We arrived at my aunt & uncle's semi-new home, a magnificent grey in the pale full moon. The lights inside tried desperately to penetrate the night, making their mark only feet from the window, the darkness being entirely too strong for the likes of mere electricity.

After the pleasantries (how is life/school/health/family/etc.?), we exchanged gifts--our material attempts to prove who loves who more--and quickly went to work on the hor d'oeuvres, quickly devouring the shrimp and pizza dip. Most of us ate so much pre-dinner, trying to eat meal was a joke, a sick, sadistic joke.

Post dinner, after conversation & wine (neither of which sparked my interest), the group attempted Trivial Pursuit: 90s. Apparently, none of us lived through that particular century, or, if we did, no one bothered to pay attention. Interest soon dwindled, the team in first voicing complaints against our hasty retreat. To their chagrin, the 90s went back to it's metal box, carefully folded in six, to be examined again at a later date--after the decade makes our textbooks, perhaps?

The can lights in the infinately high ceiling flickered in and out at random.

The "adults," of which I dare not include myself, had their coffee, a feeble attempt to mask the taste of the wine in my opinion. My cousin, whose attention span lasts long enough to be expensive (God, do I love the kid), introduced the table to Catchphrase, an electronic "password"-esque game in which you attempt to get your teammates, i.e. men versus women, to say the work on the tiny LCD screen. (Saying any form of the word is, of course, grounds for a beating.)

The highlights of our Catchphrase game:

My mother: "You know, the thing you cut meat with...the meat knife..."

Answer: steak

My grandfather, whom you have to know to get this joke: "The little things that I hate the most..."

My cousin: "Blacks?"

Answer: mushrooms

My mother: "The thing that runs your computer..."

'aunt-in-law': "Modem."

Answer: modem

My grandfather, looking sly: "Queers put these in their butts."

All of us: "..."

My mother, laughing: "Gerbils!"

All of us: *laughing*

Answer: gerbils

-----

Our laughter, beaming from one and all, must have been audible to the neighbors, the state, the universe, God. Points became extinct; who could lose?

When the game ended, due in large part to fatigue, gifts and food were packed, coats retrieved, and parting pleasantries exchanged (be safe/say "hi" to X for me/be good/etc.), a simple, solemn hush briefly overtaking the crowd.

My aunt turned out the kitchen light; the can lights flickered.

Annie Proulx once wrote that "love [sometimes] occurs without pain or misery." And sometimes a family, whose normal state is disarray, can laugh and forget their quarrels, pains. And sometimes their light, the glow of their laughter & love, can defeat the night, shining brightly--a beacon of hope--out the window, down the drive way, and into the darkness. Brilliant. focused. eternal

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

 
Congrats and Stuff

Much applause to JACOB "HI-YO" ELAM for winning the 2004 Millikin Series of Poker Main Event on Tuesday December 14th.

I'm only a little bitter for losing because Jacob is, at least, a Republican.

I'm still pissed that I won TWO HANDS the entire night...bastards...

...one was a bluff...

*muahaha*

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

 
Another Shameless Plug

Second String

Experience.

Monday, November 22, 2004

 
I'm Weak

Notice the new link in the sidebar under "OTHER"...

Also, the Non-Blog Site of the Moment.

Be happy.

Saturday, November 13, 2004

 
Shameless Plug

A friend of mine was upset with some of the comments I made on this site about the state of the DemocRatic party, so the least I can do is give his photo journal a shameless plug.

He does take some nifty pictures. Not the ones of him though. Those suck. ;)

Please note: This is not an apology. Liberals still piss me off. Thank you.

Friday, November 05, 2004

 
This is Why We Fight

Want to know how liberals deal with losing? Read this.

What. The. F***.

When liberals lose a major election apparantly their only option is to call everyone else that voted for their opponent stupid and ignorant.

The reason the Democrats have lost five of the last seven presidential elections is simple: A generation ago, the big capitalists, who have no morals, as we know, decided to make use of the religious right in their class war against the middle class and against the regulations that were protecting those whom they considered to be their rightful prey—workers and consumers. - Jane "Marx" Smiley

Liberals are the party that believe in having sex as much as you want, killing children before they have a chance to live, letting killers live, racial profiling Arabs is wrong because it might hurt their feelings, drowning young women is ok, screwing interns while married is also ok, being a member of the KKK (as long as you're on their side), and capitalism is wrong because people have to work for a living...yet WE'RE the one's with no morals.

Don't think about that concept for more than three minutes or blood will shoot out your nose.

 
Quote of the Moment:

In Monicals:

Gay Guy: Who ordered the eight inch cheese pizza? Cause I didn't.

silence

Me (to Gay Guy): Didn't you order the eight inch sausage?

...

Horrible.

I'm going to hell, easily.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

 
Democrats = Spanked

Four years ago they cried "Selected Not Elected."

This year they simply cry.

If you haven't heard by now, the DemoRats tooks a BEATING (as in Rodney King endured a love tap by Calista Flockhart in comparison to this beating) in the election on Tuesday not only losing their chance at the Presidency but losing seats in the Senate and the House.

We're talking chainsaw to the testicles beating here, folks. I haven't seen a beating like this since "Mommy Dearest." To simplfy:

This election for the Democrats = being sodomized by a giant horse/elephant/John Holmes creature with a broken, glass condom...sans lube. Wait, make that with lube...and by lube I mean thumb tacks.

It's that bad.

Even the Democrat Minority Leader Tom Daschle was ousted by *Something* Thune.

I would like to say, "Thank you, America...for giving the DemoRats the proverbial finger...in the eye...with your nail...thats been sharpened to a fine point...with tabasco sauce on the end...and bugs."

p.s. - It's like S&M, without the sexy.

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

 
Everything About Me Is Yellow


YELLOW



You are very perceptive and smart. You are clear and to the point and have a great sense of humor. You are always learning and searching for understanding.




Find out your color at Quiz Me!





discover what candy you are @ quiz me

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

 
Vote Bush, Get Bush?

Part One:

More Republicans are satisfied with their sex lives than Democrats according to a "Primetime Live" survey.

But ABC, in an attempt to destroy ANY information that might make Republicans look human or, in this case, more attractive to swing voters than Democrats, downplayed the survey by explaining that more men tend to be Republican and men tend to be more sexually satisfied.

What a bunch of propagandist crap! What man do you know (including yourself (if you are a man)) is SATISFIED with the amount of sex he has? NONE. The answer is ZERO. Men always want MORE sex. MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE. "In the mornin', in the evenin', ain't we got fun!" Any time of day, any day of the week, every week of the year, men always want more sex.

A conversation you will never hear or have:

Hot Woman (insert man if you're ... you know): Hey, let's have hot sex as many times as you want until, after hours upon hours of the horizontal AND vertical macarena, your heart finally explodes from the constant flow of blood to your throbbing python of love. Then, after your corpse hardens from rigamortis, we'll do it again for good measure.

Man: I think I'll pass; I have a headache.

THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN. EVER.

"But what about Priests?" -- Don't make me go there.

"But what about monks?" -- They're not real men.

"But what about X?" -- Real mean = want more sex. If X does not want more sex, then X is either an imposter male or a woman.

Part Two:

I'm not sure what implications this new survey will have on the swing vote crowd. The message seems to be, "If you vote Republican your sex life will be better. With a candidate whose last name is synonymous with vagina, how can you go wrong?"

There is still no data on the survey implications for gay Republicans.

Part Three:

The survey also indicated that more Democrats fake orgasms. Again, ABC attributed this to more women being Democrats than Republicans, and, stereotypically, women fake orgasms more than men.

Newmanisms would like to say that there is still no evidence, to our liking, that proves that women actually can have an orgasm. It's a big myth.

...

...

...

Please don't send me hate mail; I'm just kidding.

Or am I?

...

...

...

No really I am...

...

...

...

...not...

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...

...

...not kidding.

Monday, October 04, 2004

 
Billy Bob Blasts the Bard

Billy Bob Thornton, famous for his roles in Bad Santa and CatDog: The Great Parent Mystery, mercilessly attacked William Shakespeare Monday calling his work "bulls**t" and comparing his work to "corny soap operas," so says the Sun Online.

Indeed, Billy "Master Thespian" Bob makes a valid point when he says, "“I think Shakespeare’s overrated." His point being that he, Bobbo, is a f*cktard in need of a beating from a cluebat.

Billy "My Most Well-Known Role Was That of a Retard" Bob wouldn't know talent if it walked up to him, punched him in his testicles, doused him with gasoline, set him on fire, put out the fire with a blanket...of tacks, and poured leeches (fed only with lemon juice and tabasco sauce) on his open, smoldering wounds...

Billy "I Dated Angelina Jolie and That's My Biggest Claim to Fame (Wow I'm A Loser)" Bob, in splendid ignorance, goes on to say, "Who’d want to see me in Hamlet?"

Ding, Ding! Here comes the Tard Trolley: NO ONE WOULD WANT TO SEE YOU IN HAMLET OR ANYTHING ELSE THAT REQUIRES TALENT BECAUSE IT'S SOMETHING YOU DESPERATELY LACK. Keanu Reeves has more talent in his semi-crossed eyes than Thornton has in his disgusting excuse for a body (that's not a lot of talent, by the way...nearly none in fact...have you SEEN the Matrix movies!?!?!).

Billy "{Long Derogatory Nickname}" Bob should stick to what he's good at: nothing. If I were to suggest a career for Thornton, I'd pick suicide. He should start as soon as possible.

Friday, October 01, 2004

 
Both Candidates Suck: I am the Winner; The Winner is Me

After careful analysis of the presidential debate, and even more analysis of the bruises and bumps developing on my forehead from the constant banging of my cranium against a table (to try and ease the pain of both the candidates' stupidity), I declare MYSELF the winner of the debate.

"How did you win?" asked Jean Kerrie after I kicked him in the shins and told him his mother was a whore.

It's simple: I'm obviously smarter, witter, and better looking than either Bush or Kerrie and, according to a recent edition of the widely read and acclaimed Lone Tree Leader, I "know it all."



Yes, that's right folks. I now have empirical evidence that I, indeed, am omniscient; thus, I'm better than everyone else (minus God--he's a few omnis up on me); thus, I win the debate.

Simple, eh? (God cannot win because he doesn't play by the rules...considering he makes them...)

That and Kerrie is a F*cktard and Bush is a pushover pansy afraid to stand up for true conservative values.

But...the lesser of two evils: BUSH/CHENEY '04


Thursday, September 23, 2004

 
A Triumphant Return???

Or more disappointments!?

Thousands of peopleOne person email me everyday emailed me yesterday asking me, "When are you returning to the blogsphere!?" "Can I have those pants back you borrowed?"

The answer is: SOON and NO (no pants for you)!

My pity conjecture will soon grace the blogsphere once again. College has been rather busy but soon I will have enough time for my precious.

Never fear...the day will come...


Thursday, July 29, 2004

 
Fahrenheit 9/11: Moore Garbage

(Normally, reviewing a movie over five weeks old is pointless, but Fahrenheit 9/11 recently broke the $100 million mark proving once again that people will pay to see anything.)

Pulling into the parking lot of Boardman's Art Theatre in Champaign, George and I immediately felt threatened. We weren't concerned by the three muggers on the corner, the unmistakable sound of gunfire, nor the half dozen drug deals simultaneously happening all around us. We were scared by the hippies...lots and lots of hippies. We stepped out of the car, careful not to reveal our true conservative identity. "Shoot," I said to myself, "I'm not wearing a tie-dye shirt or burning incense; I'll be discovered for sure." Luckily for us, there was a scary hippie with a dog handing out flyers with "Take a Bite Out of Bush" written in bold print. We eagerly grabbed a handful, hoping to fit in. "Hey, come back here," the dog owning hippie shouted as we stood in line for tickets. I knew we were caught. Two "well-fed," white, young men with no body piercings or marijuana leaf shirts could never pose as Bush haters out on a Monday night to see the newest Bush bashing film, Fahrenheit 9/11. What was I thinking? Nervously, George and I approached the man just waiting for a shout, a battle cry to rally his hippie, "pacifist" friends who would quickly lynch us in the streets using only 100% hemp rope, which, if no blood was spilled, they would later smoke while dancing naked and singing "Mr. Tambourine Man." Oh the horror! The hippie stared us down for what seemed to be an eternity. Suddenly, he spoke, "Do you fellows want a 'Take a Bite Out of Bush' bumper sticker?" A bumper sticker? It had to be a trap. Thinking quickly, I replied, "A bumper sticker? I don't drive a CAR! What do you think I am? Some fascist, neo-Nazi, capitalist pig!?" The hippie looked at us, looked at his dog, and finally waved us on. We had passed. We could watch the movie without fear of naked dancing and crazed hippie singing. Just when I thought we were safe, several dozen flying saucers landed from the planet Larebil and began destroying the theatre with their anti-matter rifles. George and I did what we hand to do: we drew our laser swords and bravely flew into battle, destroying every alien but losing an arm and a kidney between us... Oh, I almost forgot the best part, if you believed the majority of this paragraph, Michael Moore wants you to see his movie; you're his target audience.

Fahrenheit 9/11 is the newest documentary from controversial filmmaker Michael Moore(on), the director of "Bowling for Columbine." In his latest film, Moore, who his friends affectionately call "Jabba," tries his best to destroy the Bush administration's credibility and integrity. Using news clips, sound bytes, unclassified documents, and interviews, Moore pieces together a "conspiracy" on such a grand scale, the Monica Lewinsky scandal pales in comparison, or at least it WOULD if any of Moore's conspiracy was based on facts. In reality, where we live and Moore visits on occasion, Fahrenheit 9/11 has more lies, cover-ups, and deceits than the eight years of the Clinton administration! (Putting the total at well over 300 trillion.)

F911 begins with the 2000 Election, a subject still fresh in everyone's minds since it only happened 4 YEARS AGO. Al Gore is shown celebrating his victory in Florida while Moore inserts news clips of Dan Rather and other high profile reporters projecting that Florida's electoral votes would go to Gore. Moore then claims that one station DARE go against the main stream and call Florida for Bush: FOX News. All of a sudden, the other stations, not wanting to go against the all-mighty FOX News, called the state for Bush. Worse yet, the man that made the call at FOX News was none other than a COUSIN of Bush. Oh, the humanity!
Dave Kopel, in his article "Fifty-nine Deceits in Fahrenheit 9/11," writes, "In fact, the networks which called Florida for Gore did so early in the evening-before polls had even closed in the Florida panhandle, which is part of the Central Time Zone. NBC called Florida for Gore at 7:49:40 p.m., Eastern Time. This was 10 minutes before polls closed in the Florida panhandle. Thirty seconds later, CBS called Florida for Gore. And at 7:52 p.m., Fox called Florida for Gore. Moore never lets the audience know that Fox was among the networks which made the error of calling Florida for Gore prematurely." In addition, "About an hour before the polls closed in panhandle Florida, the networks called the U.S. Senate race in favor of the Democratic candidate. The networks seriously compounded the problem because from 6-7 Central Time, they repeatedly announced that polls had closed in Florida--even though polls were open in the panhandle." Unfortunately for Bush, the Florida panhandle is the most conservative part of the state. The constant announcement that the polls were closed probably caused Bush to lose thousands of votes. Moore compounds his lie by implying that Fox was the first station to call Florida for Bush when, in fact, CNN called Florida for Bush at 10 p.m.-four hours earlier than Fox. Tsk Tsk Mr. Moore. Someone should have done some research.

Michael "I'm-Better-At-Propaganda-Than-Joseph-Goebbels" Moore continues with his deceits in his segment on the Bin Laden family's connection with Bush. Moore sets up the segment with very moving graphics of the 9/11 attacks and simple, but powerful, shots of people on the street looking in horror as the events of 9/11 played out above them. Several frames later, news clips from the nation's airports are shown, thousands of people unable to fly. "Not even Ricky Martin would fly," Moore states getting a big laugh from the crowd, "But really, who wanted to fly? No one. Except the bin Ladens." Moore then flashes the documents authorizing the Bin Ladens to fly out of the country. What Moore does NOT emphasize is that the Bin Ladens flew out of the country on September 13th, the day restrictions were lifted on all flights. A New York Times articles with the headline, "White House Approved Departures of Saudis after Sept. 11, Ex-Aide Says," is flashed across the screen giving the impression that Bush approved the Bin Ladens' flight out of the country. Actually, Richard Clarke, former counter-terrorism czar and hero in Moore's eyes for testifying that Bush ignored terror threats, authorized the Bin Ladens to fly out of the country, a fact Moore fails to mention while he's praising Clarke later in the movie.

By far my favorite part of the movie comes during the Iraq War section. Moore contends Bush invaded Iraq purely for oil. (If we just had a war for oil, why are we paying $2.00 a gallon!?) Moore flashes a date on the screen: March 19, 2003-the day before we invaded Iraq. Then, in several sequences that literally made my jaw drop, Moore shows children playing in the streets, flying kites, and laughing; women walking jovially down the street, laughing with their friends; and other scenes of a supposedly happy, non-oppressed Iraqi people. Then, another date: March 20, 2003-the day we invaded Iraqi. A bomb lights of the Iraqi night; buildings are seen burning; men, women, and children crying, searching for their loved ones; innocent civilians killed in a reckless American bombing; and general chaos. Moore narrates, "On March 20, America attacked the sovereign nation of Iraq. A nation that had never attacked the United States. A nation that had never threatened to attack the United States. A nation that had never murdered a single American." I'll give you a second to read that narration again. ... Moore is either A) a complete moron B) in denial or C) all of the above. Has Moore ever heard of the GULF WAR!? During the Gulf War, 148 Americans lost their lives in fighting with the Iraqi army-an army under the leadership of Saddam Hussein. Mr. Moore may have saved himself some embarrasement had he done a simple Google search regarding the Gulf War. It's not hard, Mr. Moore. I'm sure someone can show you have to click "Search." If any of my collegiate papers were HALF as made up as F911, I would be expelled for academic dishonesty.

I could go on for pages and pages about the rest of Moore's lies, but Dave Koppel covers the majority in his article which can be found at http://www.davekopel.com/Terror/Fiftysix-Deceits-in-Fahrenheit-911.htm. Christopher Hitchens also does a great job fisking Moore's movie in his article at http://slate.msn.com/id/2102723. There's a bigger issue here than Moore and his lies (although not much is bigger than Moore). Liberals willingness to lie, deceive, and propagandize in order to destroy the Bush administration and regain power is beyond anything America has seen in its 228 years. The Democrat Party and its supporters will say and do anything to make sure Kerry and Edwards are elected. They have no regard for the truth or the will of the American people; what's good for America is bad for the Democrats. If Osama is caught: bad for the Democrats. If the economy booms: bad for the Democrats. If unemployment drops: bad for the Democrats. In order to win, Democrat supporters have to keep the American people in fear, and, as Moore proves, they'll say anything to do it.

Moore, like many propaganda artists before him, is amazing at what he does. His style of taking quotes out of context, telling half-truths and direct lies is brilliantly convincing. Only when his movies are examined closely do his deceptive tactics surface. If you're one of the thousands who saw F911 and were convinced by Moore's lying, I can't blame you. His movie is quite believable IF you assume Moore is telling the truth. Too bad for the Democrats, he's not...at all...not even a little bit. But if you're a Democratic looking for any excuse to hate Bush (despite the truth), F911 will leave you wanting Moore.

Sunday, July 18, 2004

 
New to Newmanisms?
 
Get yourself acquainted by reading "Newman's Favorites," listed in the sidebar under the crafty title "Newman's Favorites."  Aren't I clever?
 
The answer is "yes."
 
(Posts with a "*" were voted "extra tasty" by a panel of super-intelligent dolphins).
 

Saturday, July 17, 2004

 
The Problem with Cake
 
When I was just a wee lad, no more than three or four, I was very needy and demanding (some things never change). I remember an incident involving soda that can express the extent to which my impatience and inconsolability embodied my youth. My family ate dinner later than other families due to my grandfather's work schedule. Much like an archetypal example of a Pavlov experiment, my family gathered around the dinner table, hungry but patient, in anticipation of my grandfather's arrival, as if his entrance was our bell, our signal to salivate and begin consumption. Our "fast-until-grandfather-arrives" tradition caused a skirmish one evening when my grandfather was late coming home from work. I demanded my mother give me pop before dinner. My demands quickly turned into tantrums, as my requests were not being met with the utmost speed and sincerity they deserved. "Just a drop!" I shouted, "Please!" Looking defeated, my mother stood up, got the pop and a cup, and proceeded to pour. She handed me the cup and I hastily drank every drop. The problem was that every drop literally entailed one drop. Sensing a tantrum to end all tantrums—the Three Mile Island of tantrums—my mother quickly used her sense of humor and wit, "You asked for pop and you got it. You can’t have your pop and drink it too." Hardy har-har. Young children do not appreciate humor; thus, I cried.

"You cannot have your cake and eat it too," is the expression from which my mother cleverly deviated. What is the point of having pop if you cannot drink it? Cake if you cannot eat it? What is the point of having anything if you cannot drink, eat, use, whatever it? My developing mind could not comprehend such concepts. Now, I know. The point is simple: one cannot enjoy two conflicting pleasures/actions/thoughts/etc. at the same time. To better understand the proverb, think of it in this way, "You cannot eat your cake and have it too." My incident involving pop is scarcely related to two pleasures; my mother was simply trying to be funny while teaching me a lesson. As vague as the lesson may be to a toddler, I thank my mother, grandmother, and grandfather for teaching me such lessons at an early age. Many young’ens, especially Americans, do not get the same morally clear parenting; thus, our problem with cake.

In America, freedoms are taken for granted. The right to assemble, speak freely, practice the religion of your choice, and privacy are not luxuries afforded to every citizen of Earth. Even countries that claim they are democratic and free often infringe on individual rights. In France, children wearing a cross, a skullcap, or a Muslim headdress to school are violating separation of church and state according to a new law. Can you imagine such a law in the U.S.? The outrage would be overwhelming. America, while not flawless, is the best damn place to live on this planet, and if you don’t think so, you have every right to express your belief…or leave. Your choice (I’d prefer if you chose the latter).

But with freedom comes obligation and responsibility or, I might say, should come with obligation and responsibility, words so neglected in modern American culture I’m sure some of you are looking them up in ol’ Webster about now. In what I like to refer to as the Golden Days of America, pre-1950, taking responsibility for your freedom meant admitting when you’re wrong or you made a mistake, helping others in their time of need instead of relying on the government, and respecting yourself and others. During that same time, one’s obligation to freedom was simple: defend the right of every individual to be free. Our founding fathers put their lives on the line to fight for this obligation, this certain inalienable right to freedom that Jefferson wrote is a people’s "duty" to uphold. During World War II, America and its allies fought and defeated a German, Nazi regime supported by its citizens. Did we care to ask what the people of Germany wanted? Did we set up free elections? Did we allow Nazis to have any power in Government? No, no, and no. Why? Because America had moral clarity. We knew our system, our philosophy, and our way of life was superior to the fascist Nazi regime’s totalitarian control. In a sense, as self defeating as it sounds, America basically said, "You will be free whether you like it or not!" The result: a free, democratic Europe. I think I’d call that a success.

Sixty years later, America is at war with a country so technologically inferior its soldiers surrendered to camera planes and we are losing. Not because we don’t have enough troops, not because we don’t have superior firepower, and not because our enemy is more powerful. We are losing because we have lost our moral clarity. Too many people doubt the American philosophy, yet flourish from what it has created. People like Senator John Kerry and his wife, Teresa Heinz, become rich from the American way of life, having the freedom to criticize the government at every turn, and yet, they both loathe this war in Iraq. Kerry, who voted to give President Bush authorization to use force against Iraq (and was later shocked when it happened), recently said, "The world is far more tattered and volatile than it was when this president came into office. I believe one of the reasons is the ill-advised way he went to Iraq." If Kerry weren’t so busy trying to find a way to blame America (and Bush) for the volatility of the world, for which I would blame THE TERRORISTS, he would realize he’s partially right for the wrong reasons.

I like President Bush and I think he’s a far better president than John Kerry would ever be, but that does not mean he can’t be wrong. Kerry hit the bull’s eye when he criticized the way Bush went into Iraq, but like I said, for the wrong reasons. Bush, in his attempt to gain re-election, is no better than Kerry at realizing our lack of moral clarity is why we’re losing in Iraq. Bush claims to know the enemy, and he swears he wants to establish a free, democratic Iraq, yet more Americans lose their lives every day in Iraq because we don’t want to be big bullies. If we force our way on Iraq, the rest of the world will be mad at us! And we don’t want that, do we? Yes. Yes, yes, and yes. The only way to secure Iraq, ensure freedom, and stop the killing of our troops is to quit playing by the rules. Goodbye Geneva Convention. So long treating terrorist POWs with civility. America CANNOT win this war playing by the rules, especially when the terrorists we’re facing won’t even read them.

So, what do we do? "What can I do?" you ask. Be proud. Don’t be afraid to annoy your politically correct neighbors by flying your flag high. Never forget that the American way of life is and always will be the best and only way to live. Tell your congressmen, your senator, and President Bush that you’re tired of Americans dying in Iraq; tell them to stop appeasing terrorists and start defeating them; tell them to defy the Supreme Court ruling allowing terrorist detainees a right to lawyers at your expense; and finally, tell them that freedom above all other philosophies must be promoted in Iraq and around the world.

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

 
Cheeky, Maybe...

Teresa Heinz wants to be a dog.

(I wonder if she has ever looked in the mirror?)


Teresa Heinz pictured on the left...I think.

When asked about her "oddness" Heinz replied:

"Yeah, I am odd in the sense that I have so many different mixes in my life."
Not a purebred. Pity. (57? Isn't that the number of mixes, Teresa?)

She is both rich and reachable...Teresa Heinz Kerry is one of the wealthiest women in the world. She's worth an estimated $500 million, and, as CBS News Correspondent Byron Pitts reports, she is not easily defined.
First off, what on Earth does "reachable" mean? Yeah, I can put my hand out and touch her--not that I'd want to--but how does one define "reachable?"

From Dictionary.com:

"reachable

adj : easily approached; "a site approachable from a branch of the Niger" [syn: approachable]

Source: WordNet ® 1.6, © 1997 Princeton University"

So...she doesn't bite? Good to know.

Close friends call her "Momma T" for her nurturing ways. But staffers note she moves when and how she chooses.
A good momma who doesn't need a leash...Wonderful!

She only recently started using Kerry's last name and was prompted more by anger than ambition to change her party affiliation.

"I was very upset at the way the party dealt with Max Cleland of Georgia," she says.

Cleland is the Democratic senator who lost re-election in a bitter campaign when Republicans attacked his patriotism. In 1968, Cleland lost his right arm and both legs in Vietnam.
Shock and awe. The press doesn't give the Republican side of the story.

"I thought it was disgusting," says Heinz Kerry. "All I could think was, 'What does the Republican Party need - a fourth limb to make a person a hero?'"
No, we need a reason to make a person a hero. Picking up a grenade and dropping it on your foot when you're about to go drink with your friends is not a reason to praise Mr. Cleland. Of course, Newmanisms thanks Mr. Cleland for serving his country, but putting him on a pedestal for dropping a grenade in a non-combat situation is not acceptable.

On the campaign trail, voters, especially women, seem drawn to her.
They all walk up, pat her on the head, and give her a treat. "Good girl. Do you love Kerry? Do you? Yes you dooooo."

"She's a very strong woman, a very deep and thoughtful woman," says Kerry supporter Molly Fox. "But, unfortunately, there are certain people in our country who are terrified of strong women."

Not her husband.
When she scares Kerry he just rolls up the newspaper and pats it ominously on his hand. Teresa doesn't like the newspaper.

Kerry describes his wife as "saucy, sexy and brilliant."
Ok, I'll give you saucy and possibly brilliant, but sexy? Don't be greedy.

"I mean, I'm cheeky, I'm sexy, [Don't forget humble] whatever," she says. "You know, I've got a lot of life inside."
Life and poo. There's a lot of poo in there somewhere.

When Pitts asked how many 65-year-olds call themselves sexy, she smiles slyly and quips: "How many of that age have you asked?"
Pitts: Actually, none...cause frankly, we didn't ask you...you just kind of blurted it out...

Heinz Kerry is her own woman.
That's good, cause slavery ended quite some time ago, and if Teresa were a slave, that would be sad.

If she becomes first lady, she says, she won't try and change the world and the world won't change her.
Once again good. Changing the world is pretty hard. Unless you're God. Then it's not so bad, but Teresa is not God as far as Newmanisms knows. Our research shows that the her only super power is tasting good with salty fries.

Good girl.

Saturday, June 12, 2004

 
What's This? WMDs in Iraq!? Impossible!

Could there possibly be evidence that Iraq had WMDs? Some say no while others say yes. The U.N. seems to think so.

Eat Crow, Liberals?

The real question is: will this be enough evidence for the commies or will they still refute the existence of WMDs in Iraq? Is this the "smoking gun" libs have been waiting for?

No. Probably not. Kerry and the Klintons are waiting for a smoking crater in the middle of a major city.

Emperor Misha suspects something more, and I agree.

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

 
Newmanisms & American Public: Enough Dan & Tom

Dan Rather & Tom Brokaw are idiots sick of the Reagan coverage.

Even though everybody is respectful and wants to pay homage to the president, life does goes on.
Said Dan Rather shaking violently from not seeing Abu Ghraib on TV in over two days. Rather went on to say:

There is other news, like the reality of Iraq.
And of what reality would Rather be speaking? The media's reality or everyone else's reality?
Sorry Rather, but the American public would RATHER pay homage to one of the greatest presidents this country has ever seen than watch a non-stop barrage of "Hate America First" rhetoric 24 hours a day in the communist news media.

As for Brokaw...I mean really. He's senile. Does anyone care what he has to say?

...

I didn't think so.

Monday, June 07, 2004

 
The Axis of Ignorant Strikes Again

Read this. I link to Greg Palast's article not because I want to generate traffic for the Axis of Ignorant but because this article needs to be read by every American. Why? Not because of the article's "revelations" or it's message, but because it reveals the true nature of the American left.

The Clintons, Kerry, and every other half-witted DemoKrat only wish they could say how they truly feel about Reagan just as Palast does. Sure, Kerry has plenty of kind words for the late president while he's trying to get votes, but kindness was not always the case.

Imagine the outcry from the "don't-offend-anyone-love-your-neighbor" left if someone were to write an article like this when Bill Clinton dies. Hypocrisy at it's finest. Leave it to the left to attack a man when he's dead.

Palast's article is why I will always...always be a member of the vast right wing conspiracy.

 
A New Email Address

I'm helping Google out by testing their new GMAIL. My new address is drichards@gmail.com, or you can click on the EMAIL ME button in the sidebar.

Sunday, June 06, 2004

 
Two Tributes

On this Sunday, June 6th, 2004, Americans pay homage to the soldiers who fought to perserve freedom and remember one of America's greatest presidents.

A D Day Tribute.

A Tribute to Ronald Reagan.

Friday, June 04, 2004

 
Some Stuff I Missed:

(Here's some news that slipped through my blogging fingers...actually, there's a lot of news I don't comment on, but this is the stuff that, if I weren't so lazy, I would have commented on. Get it?)

Fetus Genocide on the Rise:

Drudge released this gem which caught my attention. Basically, feminazis are now killing their children because they're not perfect.

Doctor: I'm sorry ma'am but your baby may have a cleft lip that, unfortunatly, will not go well with your Gucci shoes.

Woman: Pity. Abort. I'll just make another.

Both: Hahahahahaha...

People make me sick. Please see My Humble Proposal.

Democrats Have SOME Core Beliefs:

Rich Lowry gives us an exquisite, if somewhat outdated, list of What Democrats Believe.

Also, Ann Coulter, conservative Goddess, tells us what happens When Blue States Attack.

Thursday, June 03, 2004

 
My College Daze: An Overview of My Freshman Experience at Millikin University

The following is the first part of my essay examining my first year in college. I don't know how many parts there will be or when they'll be completed...so don't ask (hehe). By the way, Big Blue is Millikin's mascot...FYI. Please remember, this is a work in progress. Thank you.

Part One: Big Blues(?)

In hindsight, I was more than nervous, frightened even, about beginning my college career, away from the security net of my parents, grandparents, and structured high school life. For eighteen years life was sugar coated. Despite my mother's liberal attitude towards parenting which afforded me more independence than most of my friends, life as I knew it was safeguarded by societal norms thoroughly enforced by high school, law enforcement, and especially my loving grandparents. My preconceived notions of college were the polar opposite of my secure high school life; the safety nets of my youth would be removed or at least have larger holes.

After packing the car with the essentials (computer, clothes, books, and, of course, the TV), my mother, grandfather, and I began the hour and a half journey to Millikin University, the place I tried to think of as a home away from home. An uneasy almost solemn silence accompanied our car ride; no one spoke more than a few words at a time. Looking back, I probably should have done more to ease my mother’s anxiety. Letting go must have been beyond difficult after eighteen years of trying desperately to hold on, watching me grow and mature, trying to mold me into a "good" boy while allowing me the freedom to be me. She tried to sleep, probably to get her mind off of the day. I "woke" her upon our arrival.

Moving in is barely a blur now. Everything was hurried, as if my grandfather, the man who for eighteen years was (and still is) my father figure, wanted me moved in as soon as possible. It's funny how people deal with stress differently; my mother had silence and my grandfather, haste. My roommate had arrived earlier and he graciously helped me with my "stuff." His parents greeted my mother and grandfather as I, for the first time, looked upon the matchbox my school called a "room" that I was to call home for the school year.

With the physical moving complete, unpacking and organization were next on the agenda. My mother insisted on making my bed, a final gesture, no doubt, of her undying need and want to care for me. Unpacking took much longer than packing and moving combined, and by the time we finished, my mother and grandfather decided we should go to lunch. I guess haste and silence fell by the wayside as reality beckoned.

Sitting in a cold, plastic booth at a local fast food joint, we had a long talk. The conversation while undoubtedly sincere seemed fake and contrived. "Are you (scared, anxious, tired, excited, happy, sad, etc. etc. etc.)?" My grandfather, like always, tried to my make light of the situation. "Don't let them liberal professors change your mind," he warned. "Damn Hippies." I told him he had nothing to worry about in-between sips of my fourth or fifth Pepsi--caffeine is how I deal with stress.

Was I upset with the farewell lunch? At the time, yes. I wanted more than the standard questions and menial jokes. I wanted both of them to say something inspirational, something profound that would take away all of my worries and cast me off onto my own with the comfort of knowing everything would be fine not only in college but at home as well. I know now there are no such words, and I have no regrets, qualms, or animosities towards that send off lunch. My family did what they know how to do, and for that, I'll be forever grateful.

After the food and conversation digested, my mother and grandfather dropped me off in front of New Hall Four. My mother cried, openly, for the first time, hugging me as if her arms, locked tight behind me, could somehow keep me from leaving home, leaving her, and leaving my childhood. My grandfather shook my hand and with a smile and nod said only what he needed to say, "Good luck, buddy. I love ya."

With that, I used my new key to unlock the front door of New Hall Four, which for me was New Home One, and as the cold, stale air gently rushed to greet my face, I knew "we" were no longer "we," "us" no longer "us." Were we now two separate entities, my family and I, with two separate lives meeting only in tangent? I felt myself in an Orwellian state, contradicting thoughts fighting for supremacy in my mind, all of which I deemed to be true. Thus, happiness and sadness filled me equally as my family and I went our separate ways, bonded by blood, spirit, and love, separate and one for eternity and beyond.

Friday, May 28, 2004

 
101 Freakin' Posts

Most people would celebrate 100 posts. Screw that. What does 100 posts prove? Abso-freakin-loutly nothing, that's what. 101 posts, on the hand, prove I have the staying power of a half-way decent male enhancement drug (probably a generic though...not like Viagra or anything...let's be serious).

I haven't gathered a huge following, but, frankly, I don't care. This blog is an outlet for me to vent about anything that grabs my attention. Thank you to those who do read though. Your daily visits are much appreciated.

Hopefully, I'll be able to keep up a regular posting schedule (which mainly consists of new posts at night), but during the school year I can't promise much.

Anyways, thanks bunches peoples. (That's a lots of S's.)

Magna Est Vis Veritatis

-Newman

Thursday, May 27, 2004

 
Do I Have Comments?

Do I?

UPDATE:

Woohoo! I think my comments work!

Please tell me if you experience a problem with commenting.

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

 
What Liberal Bias!? Oh, That One...

Guess what? Liberals far outnumber conservatives in the news business. Surprise. Shock and awe. What a revelation.

Conservatives have known for years that liberals slant the news farther to the left than Mark and now the Pew Research Center, with a new survey, pretty much confirms what we knew.

CNN, the Communist News Network, is one of the most biased "news" networks especially considering their "unbiased" polls. Without further ado, I present my predictions for future CNN polls:

Social Issues:

My stance on gay marriage is:
[] I love homosexuals! Heck, I'd marry one!
[] They are humans and have the right to marry.
[] I'm a homophobe; gay marriage is wrong.
[] I'm a homophobe; what's a "gay"?

Should the President be cutting taxes in these economically turbulent times?
[] Yes, but only for those who are poor and/or don't pay taxes.
[] No, giving people more of their money is a recipe for trouble!
[] No, I love paying taxes. All hail Marx!
[] Yes, I'm a rich bastard with more money and I want more! MORE I SAY!

The President:

Do you think (King) George Bush deserves impeachment over Abu Ghraib?
[] Of course! He should be impeached because he can't ride a bike!
[] Yes, he wasn't elected anyway.
[] No, the president really had nothing to do with it...Just kidding, I hate him!
[] No, I'm a Nazi.

Is W scholastically challenged and/or dyslexic?
[] Duh, both! He had a "C" average at that one college he went too!
[] Yes, It would explain his ears.
[] Maybe, I mean...seriously...
[] No, and am neethur I.

The War:

The War in Iraq was:
[] A bad idea; we should leave (they were better off with Saddam).
[] A good idea; it makes G.W. and America look bad, always a plus.
[] A good idea; I'm a Nazi.
[] A bad idea; war never solved anything.

The soldiers involved in the Abu Ghraib incident should be:
[] Fed to angry, man-eating pigs (aka the Democratic Underground)
[] Publicly stoned and I don't mean ala Bob Marley
[] Handed over to the Iraqis they tortured and then stoned
[] Honorably discharged; I'm a Nazi.

 
Links of the Moment

Wanna be semi-almost-kinda-a-little-bit famous?

Want some funny?

Wanna play a "fun" game?

Need a band name?

Monday, May 24, 2004

 
How to Vote for President

Bill O'Reilly made an interesting point on his over rated show, The O'Reilly Factor, the other day (it's not often he makes good points so listen up). Mr. O'Reily had an easy litmus test to decide who you should vote for in the presidential election.

"Find out who the terrorists want," said Bill, "and vote for the other guy."

With that in mind, I guess the Kerry team should stop producing these bumper stickers:



Pity. Kerry won't be able to find another running mate that agrees with him on so many points.

Monday, May 17, 2004

 
1 Down 3 to Go

My freshman year is over. The year was pretty rough and it took a lot at times to even get up in the morning. But no one told me that the hardest part of your first year of college is leaving.

The first thing I did upon my arrival at home was hug my grandmother. I love her dearly. After the uncomfortable small talk, "How are you?" "Fine." "Are you glad to be home." "Of course," I went home, or what used to be my home.

My mother is probably the most important person in my life, but after our initial greeting, I felt like a stranger, as if I were visiting. More small talk. I eventually fell asleep on the couch, my dog Simon at my feet.

When I woke up, I felt very awkward. There were no bells, whistles, or obnoxious laughing to wake me up (my roommate had a Walt Disney alarm clock with a Goofy setting), no neighbors to barge in uninvited to complain that I slept past noon (as they take a pop from the fridge), and certainly no one to call and ask if I wanted to go to lunch at Quiznos (they overslept as well)...

Don't get me wrong, my friends from highschool are beyond wonderful. But we didn't get to share that bond of being away from home for the first time. We didn't get to share the experience.

To all of my college friends who read this: I wish I could express how much you mean to me. Words, whether spoken, written, or sung, only restrict my ability to tell you how much you've changed my life. Without you, my first year away from home, in the shadows of reality, would've been impossible, stagnant, and uneducational. You taught me the majority of what I learned at Millikin, and I'm sure I have plenty more to learn.

WUSAL,

See you in the fall...

Friday, May 14, 2004

 
What Book of the Bible am I?

According to Quizilla:

YOU ARE PROVERBS:

You don't speak much. But when you do people tend to listen. You are logical and precise, yet you have a very tender heart that longs for others to learn both from your experience and your personal study. People see you more as a serious person who is willining to listen completely before trying to solve their problems. They also trust you to guide them down the right path. If you are a man that aspires to such, you would make a great elder. If not, your spiritual gifting should at least point you to some form of leadership role in the Body...wise leaders are always in demand.


Which book of the Bible are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Monday, May 10, 2004

 
A Response to My Problem Avec the Lord

Thank you to Stephen H. from Acid Zen Wonder Paint for taking time to reply to my question regarding God. Stephen wrote:

My two cents:

(For simplicity of typing, I'm defaulting to the masculine in referring to God.)

Just because I'm capable of blinding myself, it doesn't mean I'm any less able to see right now.

Sure, if God was all-powerful, he would certainly have control over his own perception. If God is omniscient and omnipotent, I'm sure he could create a world and remove his ability to understand it.

But would that make him stop being God? Is God defined by being omniscient and omnipotent? If God, for whatever reason, put a halt to his own omniscience, would that make him no longer God? Or would he just become 'God, except over there, there I'm just awesome.' Really, when you write all the rules, you can probably do whatever the hell you want.

I'm not a philosophy major or anything, that's just what I think.

-Stephen Heintz
http://snipehunting.rydia.net/


Deep.

Stephen is exactly right. After discussing my problem with several friends, we came to the conclusion that since God is all powerful, he can make himself know AND not know a word at the same time! HE'S GOD (for God's sake)! If he wants to make a circle with seventeen SIDES then he CAN because he's God. In my problem with God, I was short-changing the word omnipotent. Silly me.

Thanks again, Stephen, for setting me straight, and keep those comics a flowing; you're my idol!

Saturday, April 10, 2004

 
More Philosophy: A Problem

If God is omnipotent and omniscient--all powerful, all knowing, and acting without restrictions--can God create a word he cannot understand? If he can't, then he's not omnipotent...and if he can, then he's not omniscient...

Help.

Any responses?

Wednesday, April 07, 2004

 
Collegiate Philosophy

Lou: My grandmother and I were in a store in the board games section. We were playing around with the Ouija board and I was makin' it move and my gram was like, "Oh my God!" and I was like, "Grammy it's me." Anyway, I decided I wanted the Ouija board and my grammy was gonna buy it for me. So, we're waiting in line and in front of us is this really old man wearing one of those old man hats...you know what I mean. Anyway, we're standing there and this old guy's like, "Those things are evil!" and my gram and I were like, "Yeah...weirdo." So I decide I don't want the board game and I went to take it back. Meanwhile, my gram's standing there with this guy and he's talking the whole time. By the time I get back, he's gone. His place line was gone; it was like he never existed. Here's the thing: my gram was holding this piece of paper and I asked, "What's that?" She said, "Oh that quack gave it to me." I opened up and written on it was a straight line from 1945 to 2007. Do you know what happened in 1945?

Me: The end of WWII?

Lou: Exactly. The last time the entire world was involved in war. On this line on the paper were little marks for every year up till 2007. And every year there was an event. In 2000 it said.....uehhh.....something about stuff and in 2001 it said, "A great disaster was going to take place" and the twin towers were .. yeah. Anway, after 2007 there are no entries and that's gonna be the end of the world.

Me: That's interesting and all, but since the first human had the ability to comprehend "the end" there have been predictions.

Lou: That's my point. Humans always look to the end. They're never worried about what's happening right now. They have to look to the end because it's the only thing in this world they have no idea how to do.

Me: *confused look*

Lou: Here's the thing: *pause* *as if the words are lodged in his throat* I think that every is born with the ability to do anything, they just need help getting there. Do you know what I mean? I mean, like everyone is born with the ability to play an instrument they just need help activating that part of the brain. That's why humans excel at things and animals don't. BUT the only thing a human cannot know is how to die. That's why when you dream about scary things, you always wake up that last second before you die, because you're brain doesn't know how to die. I was talkin' to Heka the other day and he said he had a dream about dying, but he could actually feel his consciousness leaving. If he were to actually die in his dream, I think he might have died.

*long silence*

Me: I think I have such a problem with death because of the idea of eternity. As a human with limited intelligence, eternity boggles my mind. To me, everything must end. Everything must go from order to disorder. The idea that something can last to infinity is impossible in my mortal brain.

Lou: Here's a little story about heaven and hell. One day this guy dies and an archangel decides to take him to heaven and hell. First they visit hell and all it is this large table with billions of people sitting on both sides (everyone that's gone to hell). There arms are chained so that they can't reach their own mouths but they can reach almost everywhere else. On the table is a huge amount of food and they are all trying to eat, but they can't reach their own mouths. Then, the archangel takes the guy to heaven and it's the exact same thing EXCEPT, instead of trying to feed themselves everyone is trying to feed each other.

Me: *non-sarcastically* Interesting.

Lou: I think that may be what heaven is...everyone just helpin' each other out; doing the right thing.

Me: Do we lose our free will in heaven?

Lou: Don't look too much into it, Newman; it was just a story...

Thursday, April 01, 2004

 
Some Pithy Conjecture:

9/11 Commission Shocking Discovery…

Could 9/11 have been prevented? Is the Bush administration to blame for failing to stop the attacks? What about Clinton’s administration? The 9/11 commission, made up of former lawmakers, is trying desperately to answer these questions. The whole panel could save a lot of time by asking me. I know for a fact who’s to blame for 9/11: the Bin Laden administration. Shock and awe! Could 9/11 have been prevented? Yes. Clinton had a few chances to nab Bin Laden. During a business luncheon Clinton said, “"At the time, 1996, [Bin Laden] had committed no crime against America so I did not bring him here because we had no basis on which to hold him, though we knew he wanted to commit crimes against America.” Does this mean we should blame Clinton for 9/11? Absolutely not. There would be no logical basis for such blame. If a burglar breaks into your house and steals your dog are you to blame for not having better security? No, the criminal is to blame for breaking the law. Common sense at it’s finest.

WMD Worries

Recently, I visited my former high school to pick up my yearbook, and one of the more liberal teachers, with whom I debated the Iraq war at length, caught up with me. With an enormous grin on his face he said, “See, I told you so. No weapons of mass destruction.” I shook my head and with a sigh admitted “defeat.” Sure, we have yet to find WMDs, and I guess that was our top goal in Iraq. Since we haven’t found the weapons no one, not even the almighty U.N., disputed he possessed, I guess the rest of our mission was a failure as well. Liberation of an oppressed people: failure. Removing a ruthless dictator whose sons got their jollies via rape and torture: failure. Sending a message to other rouge countries, like Libya, about the consequences of not disarming: another failure if we don’t find those WMDs. I’m willing to admit defeat regarding the WMDs, and the entire war for that matter, if anyone opposing the war will answer yes to this question: If you could turn back the clock and stop the invasion—put Saddam back in power, rebuild the torture rooms, allow terrorists haven in Iraq, organize the secret police, etc.—would you? Before you answer, ask Guzin Najim, whose husband was killed by the elite guard, her opinion. I’m sure she’d be glad to share.

Dick Clarke’s American Blandstand

Dick Clarke, not of New Years Eve fame, is quite upset with the Bush administration. Clarke was the Special Adviser for Cyberspace Security within the National Security Council. He resigned after Bush chose Tom Ridge to head the new Department of Homeland Security instead of him. Now, seemingly upset about not getting the job, Clarke has decided to sling mud at the Bush administration. I think Ann Coulter sums up the situation best, “Are you sitting down? Another ex-government official who was fired or demoted by Bush has written a book that ... is critical of Bush!…As long as we're investigating everything, how about investigating why some loser no one has ever heard of is getting so much press coverage for yet another "tell-all" book attacking the Bush administration?” Read the rest of the article here.

Fort Knox Now Storing Gasoline

With the price of gasoline rising steadily and the war in Iraq still raging, I have to wonder, “Wasn’t this a war for oil?” I halfway expected to be paying ten cents a gallon by now! Either this war was about something other than oil (who knows what) or the American consumers are being seriously ripped off. Or both?

Friday, March 26, 2004

 
Hey! Remember Me? No, I didn't think so.

Hey, I think I'm gonna try this blogging thing again. I may fail, but alas, at least I gave it a mediocre effort.

Wednesday, February 11, 2004

 
Needless to Say...

...I haven't been updating often (understatment). Umm...I don't know if I want to stop blogging, take a little break, or contiune on updating whenever the hell I feel like it. I'll just have to see where this current road takes me. In the mean time, visit my favorite blog: The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler Society

Wednesday, January 28, 2004

 
8,890: The Canadians Suck Again

Chile has proven once again that Canadia is second rate at best. Eight thousand eight hundred ninty people joined together (by the mouth) last Sunday to break the World Record of: Most people kissing at the same time, thus breaking the previous recording set by the inferior Canadia.

Also in the news: Skeletor Jean Kerrie won the New Hampshire primary and hearts of French looking war veterens everywhere. Good job Keith Richards Jean!

 
I'm a Terrible Person

I'm really no good at this "update at least once a day" bit. I'll try harder, but no promises. If I weren't so damn lazy...

Thursday, January 22, 2004

 
The DemocRAT RACE

With a surprising win in Iowa, presidential hopefully Jean Kerrie has taken a "three point lead over Howard Dean in New Hampshire." As impressive as that may be, the more interesting story is that of John Edwards. Once barely visible in the Zogby polls, Edwards forged on and finished "a surprising" second in Iowa, giving his campaign a needed ego boost.

What does this mean for DemocRATS? Nothing. What does this mean for Republicans? Annoyance Heartbreak.

All of our (us Republicans) hard work to get Dean the nomination will be for naught if we don't do something...and quick! It is in the DemocRATS worst best interest to have a nutjob strong candidate such as Flipper McGee Howard Dean running against the incumbent George W. Bush. And as Republicans, we must do anything humanly possible to help the DemocRATS pick their "best" candidate. That way the landslide victory for Bush election will be as exciting and "fair" as possible.

"But Newman," you screech, "Howard Dean seems to be farther left than Marx and have the temper of a pregnant hippo!" *Sigh* Silly, silly, little Billy. Just because Dean's policies seem "slightly to the left" (third paragraph after the quote) doesn't mean Darn Poopy! Remember, George Bush is a Nazi (Again). ANY candidate seems left next to him! So what if Dean has a little temper. Can't people blow their corks twenty or thirty times! Jeez! Should you really judge a candidate by his policies or his temper!? I didn't think so.

Do the right thing for Republicans everyone. Vote for Howard Dean in the New Hampshire primary. If you're not able, tell your friends to vote. JUST GET HIM ELECTED AS THE DEMOCRATIC NOMINEE.

If George W's gonna win anyway, why not win by a landslide (AT LEAST) make the election interesting.

Wednesday, January 21, 2004

 
Playing Ketchup

A lot has happened since my last serious (ha) post on January 4th. My college choir went on a week-long tour of Illinois and Indiana (Exciting).

Jean Kerrie won in Iowa. John Edwards took second place (suprising everyone, including John Edwards). Howy Dean, after suffering an upsetting defeat in Iowa, maturely accepted the defeat by stating, "Yeeeeearrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhh!"

There was some other stuff that happened too. Like, anything reported on Drudge.

Sorry, I have to go to class now.

Tuesday, January 20, 2004

 
Newmanisms is BACK!

And better than ever...

well...

...that's debateable, but nevertheless: I'm gonna start blogging again. I know everyone reading, all five of you, was waiting with baited breath for my return to the blogsphere. I have returned. I. Will. Blog.

A NEW YEAR - A NEW LOOK!


Tuesday, January 06, 2004

 
Apologies to Aaron the Liberal Slayer

Sorry!

I screwed up the html for Blog of the Moment this week and as a result I don't think the link worked. But! The problem has been fixed, but I jipped Aaron out of PRECIOUS HOURS OF LINKAGE! He probably missed out on AT LEAST two more visitors due to my technical ineptitude. Thus, Aaron's Rantblog, because of wonderful commentary and fantastic website design, shall STAY as Blog of the Moment till further notice.

Newmanisms thanks you for your patience.

Sunday, January 04, 2004

 
Newspaper Headline Predictions for 2004

World Shocked: Howard Dean Actually Killer Robot from Planet Tarcomed: Wins Dem Pres Nomination by Landslide

Jury Finds Michael Jackson Guilty of Being Freakish: Life in Prison

Air Found to Cause Cancer

Bin Laden Captured in California: Filed Papers to Run for Governor

Bush Re-elected After Landslide Victory Over Evil Robot Dean: Plans to Go to Disney World

Saddam Admits to Having WMDs: Troops Confirm After Discovering Stockpiles of Bowling for Columbine Movies

Newspaper Headline Predictions for 2035 (From the Lone Tree Leader: Onarga, Illinois)

Ozone Created by Electric/Hydrogen Cars Now Killing Millions in the Seventh Largest Country in the World, California

White Minorities Still Trying to Have English Recognized as California's Third Language

Spotted Owl Plauge Threatens Northwestern US Crops & Livestock

Baby Conceived Naturally: Scientists Stumped

Castro Dies at Age 112: Cuban Cigars Now Legally Imported: President Chelsea Clinton Bans All Smoking

George Z. Bush Annoucnes He Will Run for President in 2036

Postal Service Raises Price of First Class Stamp to $17.89: Reduces Mail Delivery to Wednesdays Only

Thirty-five Year Study: Diet and Excercise - Keys to Weight Loss

Massachusetts Executes Last Remaining Conservative

Supreme Court Rules Punishment of Criminals Violates Their Civil Rights

Average Height of NBA Players Now Nine Feet, Seven Inches

Federal Law Requires All Nail Clippers, Screw Drivers, Fly Swatters, and Rolled Up Newspapers Be Registered by January 2036

Congress Authorizes Direct Deposit of Illegal Political Contributions to Campaign Accounts

Capital Hill Intern Indicted for Refusing to Have Sex with Congressman

IRS Sets Record Low Tax Rate at 75.5%

Florida Democrats Still Baffled by Concept of Voting

.....

Ah...what a wonderful future we have in store...

Saturday, January 03, 2004

 
First Weblog Showcase Vote of the New Year

Exciting.

Political: Self-composed

Non-Political: Juggernaut of Love

Saturday, December 27, 2003

 
New(?) Weblog Showcase Vote Again...Kinda...

Votes:

Political - Dan K. O'Leary (Awesome) Pragmatic Conservatism

Non-Political - Belief Seeking Understanding

Thursday, December 25, 2003

 
Joy to the World

From everyone here at Newmanisms (me), have a MERRY CHRISTMAS and a HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I know each and every one of you has a concerned look on your face at this exact moment...DON'T WORRY! I'm not going to stop posting JUST because of the Holidays!

...

At least pretend to be concerned, ok?


Tuesday, December 23, 2003

 
A NEW Glass Ceiling

Men, beware.

I've been writing a lot lately about "being a man" and the rise of metrosexuality, but this article caught my attention:

"CHICAGO, Dec. 22 (UPI) -- For the first time since tracking began 20 years ago, U.S. women outnumber men in higher paying, white collar managerial and professional occupations."

At first these ominous words may seem, well, not so ominous, but believe me, THEY'RE OMINOUS! They are so ominous, I am compelled to write an ominously ominous post about the ominousness of this ominous news!

"What's wrong with women in power?" asks our resident Feminazi, Butch Betty.

Well, I'll tell you Butch. What really worries me are these paragraphs about the rise of women:

"The gap will continue because of a self-perpetuating cycle of workplace gains for women, according to international outplacment firm Chicago-based Challenger, Gray & Christmas.

'As a growing number
[of women] move into upper management roles, those [women] further down the ladder will reap the benefits by increasingly being targeted for advancement,' said John A. Challenger, chief executive officer of Challenger, Gray & Christmas."

As you can see my cunning use of brackets reveals the TRUE plot of women, or should I say FEMINAZIS, in "upper management roles." Their plan: First, cry sexism. Complain that women are oppressed, don't make as much, and are seldom targeted for promotions. Once the courts agree, and Fems have infiltrated these high level positions, REFUSE to promote males and bring as many other Fems to these high level positions as possible. Then...TAKE OVER THE WORLD!

Isn't this plot blatantly obvious!? What has been happening to our society the past few years? Did you read my Trading Spaces article!?!? The male population of the U.S., and most of the world, is being turned into METROS, unable to promote masculine ideals. Most masculine icons and pastimes have been METROED, SISSYFIED, GIRLYED.

Football: The game is consumed by so many rules you are fined for calling someone a bad name. Next step, equal division of the points.

TV: Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, Trading Spaces, What NOT to Wear, Boy Meets Boy...Need I say more?

Hollywood: Where are the Gregory Pecks, the John Waynes, the Charles Bronsons!? Who do men have to look up to today? Ben Affleck (he may have a hot girlfriend, but they wear the same shade of lipstick)!?

Any half-wit can see the correlation between the rise of women in high level jobs and the rise of metrosexuality. An epidemic? Depends on who you talk to.

Is the MALE being neutered...?

Developing...

 
Real Men

This is a little late, but here is Maddox's Tribute to Real Men.

Yet, another REAL MAN.

Monday, December 22, 2003

 
Like a Rock Marshmellow(?)

Dave Barry, demi-God of humor, has a FAB article on questioning one's manhood.

Oh, and a Holiday Gift Guide.

Dave Barry for President.

Sunday, December 21, 2003

 
Confessions of a Straight Man

I sit before my computer, crying softly, questioning my manhood. On the TV...*sigh*...I can't say it...but I must. On the TV...Trading Spaces.

*sniffle*

I can't help myself. As I apathetically channel surf, my mind subconsciously tells my fingers to click those special numbers on my black, sleak, manly remote: Two. Eight. Zero. Channel: T L C

My mind tells me, "Don't worry. TLC is a subsidiary of the Discovery channel. They'll have some manly show on like 'The Secrets of Super Spies,' 'How to be a Pirate,' or 'Cars, Trucks, and Big Busted Women.'"

Content with my mind's reasoning, I allow my fingers to click click click their way to TLC.

"What's this?" asks my brain. "A forty-eight hour Trading Spaces marathon?! I had no idea THIS would be on...we better change the channel..."

"Wait!" I reply, "Maybe they'll use some manly power tools...(?)."

"Oh...ok..." my brain answers with that maniacl smirk...you know the smirk.

I sit and watch for hours upon hours, amazed, dazzled, stunned by the use of color and the total transformation each room endures.

"Bravo Doug, fabulous use of fabric! Astounding artwork, Kia! And Paige...oh my sweet, darling, exquisite Paige...how skillfully you control their $1000 budget...how masterfully you aid each team in their quest for design utopia. You, Paige, are truly the diva of design, the Queen of color...you are the Matriarch of mediation!" Alas, my vocalized praise is for naught. I quickly I forget; they cannot hear me...

*sniffle*

I admit: I am addicted to Trading Spaces. I am addicted to their witty fashion designer jokes, the creative design schemes, and the fantastic custom-made furniture. How can one NOT be enthralled!? GIVE ME MORE OF THAT TWO DAY DESIGN ORGY!!!

...


Am I alone? Am I the only straight guy who enjoys a nice pastel with amazing accent colors? Surely not! Straight male fans of Trading Spaces...UNITE! Get in touch with your feminine side! It's ok to cry, to do your nails, to spend sixteen hours doing your hair, to dress in gay fashion of the 90s! Together, we shall create a super society of men who think they're women!

We must show the world the wonders of metrosexuality!!!

...

Wait...

Screw that. Where's my flannel shirt...

 
Showcaseizzle Voteizzle (or something...I'm not "hip")

This week I am obligated to vote for one Dan K. O'Leary and for damn good reasons. 1) His name is Dan and my name is Dan. 2) He has a blog and I have a blog. 3)He's a conservative and I'M a conservative. 4) He's in college and I'M in college. 5) His blog looks hella sweet and MY blog looks...hella.......shut up. Mr. O'Leary also earns the SUPER HIGHLY coveted "Blog of the Moment."

Also, Belief Seeking Understanding...just because.

Friday, December 19, 2003

 
Material Candidate

Stop what you're doing. Madonna speaks.

Madonna, like many other self-obsessed dumb-as-a-box-of-filth idiots celebrities, has a political opinion she believes actually matters. Actually, I'm fine with this. Everyone has an opinion, and they should be allowed to express it. My beef is with the Communist news media and its belief that people actually CARE about what Madonna and any other celebrities have to say:

Communist News Guy: Holy Marxist Utopia Wolf! In every poll known to man, Bush beats ANY Democrat. In fact, the guy closest to beating Bush is some new candidate named "Unnamed Democrat." What are we to do!? *sob*

Wolf Blitzer (what a Communist name): We must convince Democrats to vote Democrat. We must find a celebrity Democrat voters look to for moral guidance, fashion advice, and recipes.

Commie Guy: Who?! Hussein has been captured and Joseph Stalin is dead…

*ring of a telephone*

Commie Guy: Hello? Madonna! Oh my gawd! We haven’t talked in forever! How’s yer baby…

Wolf: *lightbulb* Give me the phone! Madonna, this is Wolf Blizter, I wanted to ask…what?...OF COURSE ITS MY REAL NAME! Which Communist…I mean Democrat (I have to stop saying that) do you support for president? Uh huh….mmhmmm….WHAT? What do you mean you’re turning over a new leaf and want to vote for Bush!? Have you been watching CNN for your daily brainwashing!? I thought not. I’m putting you on hold.

Commie Guy: Why did you put her on hold?

Wolf: Listen…*holds the receiver to Commie’s ear*

Man on Phone: You don’t want to vote Republican. Republicans are Nazis. They hate bunnies, old people, and Noam Chomsky. You don’t hate Noam Chomsky…do you?

Commie Guy: mmmmmm…communism……….

Wolf: *takes Madonna off hold* So, who’ll it be?

Madonna: mmmmmmm…sweet succulant commun…

Wolf: Yes! I know! What Democrat will you vote for!

Madonna: *choking on her saliva* w…ek;ljasssssss …..kkkkk…..ccc..klll….

Wolf: Hmmm…..sounds like Wesley Clark to me…TO THE LENIN MOBILE! The world MUST KNOW!!!

 
Go Unscrew Yourself*

Apparently, two “panels on the slaughter of babies” “expert advisory panels”—whatever the hell that means—are pushing pills. Death pills, actually. These pills, known as Plan B(ullPoo), abort “prevent” unintended pregnancies.

Actually, I’m all for these new pills. If you read the post previous to this, I’m very much in favor of EXPANDING the right to choose to useless idiots (known in my post by the term FEITUS—Freeloading Entity Inconveniently Taking Up Space). In fact, I can think of some REALLY useless people to abort first. The words “expert advisory panels” come to mind… I wonder why?

I know Libs are in favor of this Plan BullPoo and that means I’m suppose to be against it, but look, who are the FEITUSes of which I speak? Which party’s members are freeloading entities inconveniently taking up space? Welfare…hippies…environmentalists…protesters…

Do I make myself clear? Anti-Choice means Pro-Communist…

:-)

-----

*Sadly, the title is not mine. I must give credit to Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn.

Tuesday, December 16, 2003

 
My Humble Proposal

FOR SWIFTLY RESOLVING THE PROBLEM OF FREELOADING CHILDREN BECOMING A BURDEN TO THEIR HARDWORKING, SELF-SUFFICENT PARENTS WHILE EXPANDING PERSONAL FREEDOMS

INTRODUCTION

In America, and a majority of other nations, there are citizens whose sole purpose is epitomized by the word “freeloader”—one who is able to self sustain, but instead “mooches” off others without reciprocating, much like a parasite feasts upon its host. These freeloaders weaken society and diminish the personal freedoms and liberties of the “hosts” to which they attach. Whether the hosts of these freeloaders are parents, relatives, friends, or the government, without a doubt these parasites are an inconvenience if not a significant burden. To truly describe the parasites of which I speak, I devised a term which I shall use from this point on: FEITUS, meaning Freeloading Entity Inconveniently Taking Up Space. My term does not apply to those temporarily “down on their luck.” A man who loses his job and lives with his aunt for a short period of does not embody the term FEITUS. A forty year old professional couch potato “mooching” off his elderly mother does. These FEITUSes, while not the most pressing problem facing humanity, are an inconvenience easily removed.

My proposal concerning the solution to the problem of FEITUSes is common sense at its finest. After reading my solution, reasoning, and plan of action, the American government will have no choice but to enact my proposal.

Before I make my proposal, I must clarify to whom my proposal applies. The solution I will present applies only to the parents of a FEITUS. While constructing my proposal, I decided to limit the solution to parents for a few simple reasons. 1) The debate of the government’s role in caring for its citizens is long standing and long winded. I do not wish to justify or condemn the government’s care for a FEITUS for I have neither enough time nor enough ink. 2) While a friend or relative can choose to take care of a FEITUS, a parent may find denying care more difficult. Many times parents believe they have an obligation to help their child at any time under any circumstances. Now that my restrictions are clarified, I can continue with my proposal.

PROPOSAL

I have been assured by a dear friend of my family that her life would be emotionally and economically sound if, given the chance, she could have aborted her son, a product of faulty birth control, who is the embodiment of the term FEITUS. With the health—emotional and economical—of my dear friend and every other parent of a FEITUS in mind, I propose expanding a woman’s right to an abortion in two ways: removing any restriction on the age at which the abortion is performed i.e. allowing first, second, and third trimester and after birth abortions, and expanding the abortion right to a both parents after the child is born.

REASONING

While abortion-on-demand is still a controversial topic in the United States, one must be a realistic. A woman’s right to an abortion was legally established in 1973 in Roe v. Wade when Roe, a resident of Texas, wanted an abortion. At that time Texas only allowed abortions to save the mother’s life. The Supreme Court of the United States decided in a seven to two vote that a woman’s right to an abortion was constitutionally supported by the right to privacy ruling of Griswold v. Connecticut in 1965 (The Supreme Court Case). One may disagree with this ruling and attempt to change it, but one must acknowledge the ruling as law until the ruling is changed.

My proposal seems to lack compassion, but I assure you, I propose nothing more than to expand an individual liberty already established by our courts. I have compassion for the parents of a FEITUS just as the Supreme Court has compassion for pregnant mothers. In their ruling on Roe v. Wade the opinion of the court states:

The detriment that the State would impose upon the pregnant woman by denying [abortions] altogether is apparent. Specific and direct harm medically diagnosable even in early pregnancy may be involved. Maternity, or additional offspring, may force upon the woman a distressful life and future. [emphasis mine] Psychological harm may be imminent. Mental and physical health may be taxed by child care. (Roe v. Wade)

The Supreme Court clearly takes the future of the mother into account as I have in my proposal. While Roe v. Wade justifies my concern for the future well being of a FEITUS’s host, there are ethical questions left unanswered.

Even those strongly in favor of abortion might find disgust in the idea of killing an innocent human being after their birth, especially years after birth. My only response to this disgust is to ask, “What’s the difference?” Current U.S. law allows abortions through nine months. Is a fetus carried nine months (just before birth) any different from a baby only hours old (just after birth)? If there is no difference, can a new born baby be aborted? A ten month old? Eleven? Where is the line drawn? Abortions at one week, nine months, or twenty-seven years are essentially the same and must be treated equally under our law.

To fully understand why abortion-on-demand is essential at any age, one must look at the arguments abortion advocates use to further their cause and determine why people want abortions. Of course, there are medical reasons why abortions are performed, but I am not searching for the justification of necessary abortions, but the reasons for elective abortions.

Abortion proponents argue that the government does not have the right to determine what a woman does with her body; thus, if a woman wants an abortion, she can have one. I understand the premise of this argument, but at the same time, I am perplexed. Obviously, the issue cannot be simply what a woman does with her body. Americans allow restrictions on their bodies every day. One cannot do drugs, sell one’s organs, run around naked, sell one’s body for sex (in most places), or intentionally put one’s self in harm’s way i.e. seatbelt laws, speed limits, etc. The reason so many women want abortions-on-demand cannot simply be for “abortion’s sake” as the “my body” argument would have one believe. The idea of abortion as intrinsically valuable seems a bit far-fetched to me.

Amidst my research, I found the reason so many people want abortion—the same reason the Supreme Court uses—right under my nose. I simply asked my friend Google® why women have abortions, and the answer “magically” formulated before my eyes. According to a study by Akinrinola Bankole, Susheela Singh and Taylor Haas, 91.8% of abortions in the U.S. (between 1987-88) were performed due to some inconvenience to the mother’s life (i.e. would disrupt job, cannot afford a child, wish to postpone childbearing, relationship problems, etc.), while only 8.9% of abortions were performed due to danger to the mother’s life, danger to the fetus’s life, or other reasons (Bankole “Reasons”). The vast majority of women receive abortions simply because they do not want the inconvenience of a child. If such a large number of women receive abortions due to inconvenience, this must be the real reason abortion proponents’ fight so desperately for the right to choose. I now ask, “Why not extend the right to an abortion beyond birth? Is a FEITUS lying dormant in its mother’s living room any less of an inconvenience than a fetus lying dormant in its mother’s womb?”

I shall now briefly turn to the second part of my proposal which would allow both parents the right to an abortion. This part of my proposal seems rather necessary once the true reason for abortion has been established. Obviously, a FEITUS is as much of an inconvenience to the father as to the mother. If the mother of a FEITUS passes away, for example, the care of the FEITUS rests solely with the father. I contend that if the FEITUS is an inconvenience, the father has every right to an abortion. Moving on…

PLAN OF ACTION

The United States Congress must pass a bill extending abortion-on-demand beyond birth and allow a father the right to an abortion. Once the bill is signed into law, a new era of personal choice will dawn. Either parent, when faced with emotional, physical, or economic hardship due to a FEITUS, can simply call a licensed physician and request an abortion. The physician must carefully evaluate the parents and the FEITUS, determine if the abortion is safe, and use ONLY United States approved abortion methods. To deter from the approved methods may result in cruel or unusual punishment for the FEITUS. The following procedures are approved methods of abortion in the United States:

(TIP: Before a licensed physician performs an abortion in your household, please be sure to lay down plenty of plastic. Some of these procedures can become fairly messy.)

Digoxin Induction: Once the FEITUS is asleep, the certified physician uses a large needle to inject a lethal chemical into the FEITUS’s heart. To save money, I suggest using any household chemicals such as bleach, ammonia, or paint thinner.

Saline Abortion: This method closely mimics the previous method, and differs only in chemicals used. The doctor uses a needle to inject a saline solution into the FEITUS’s lungs causing severe burning and irreparable damage to the organs.

Abortion by Neglect: The FEITUS is simply cut off from food or water and allowed to starve to death. I would suggest allowing the doctor to sedate the FEITUS first making this process much easier.

D & X Method: In order for this method to be used, the FEITUS must be heavily sedated. Once the FEITUS is sedated, the physician uses scissors to open a hole in the back of the FEITUS’s skull. A vacuum, preferably a Wet/Dry ShopVac®, is used to remove the FEITUS’s brains (How Abortions are Done). If you do not own a ShopVac®, any Hoover® or Oreck® will do.

Thus far I have used the term FEITUS only to describe individuals living at home as a burden to their parents with the potential to get up off the couch or out of bed and go to work. I see no reason why the term and, thus, my proposal cannot be extended to include those without the potential to be functioning members of society. Those living in a vegetative state, dying of an incurable disease, and the mentally handicapped fit all the criteria to be termed FEITUSes. In the same way a mother or father may abort their couch potato son or daughter, parents should be allowed to abort any other vegetables they have living at home or burdening them elsewhere. Think of the burden lifted from the parents of handicapped son or daughter if the FEITUS is aborted: no more expensive medicine, no more giving up free time to care for a child who will only burden others for the rest of their life, and no more stares from strangers as the parents take the FEITUS in public view.

CONCLUSION

I assure you, with utmost sincerity, if this proposal is enacted I have nothing personal to gain. Currently, I am childless and hope to stay this way for quite some time. In composing this modest proposal, I wish only for the betterment of society, for the greatest happiness for the greatest number of people. I submit my proposal for judgment by man and God, and I know both will make the right choice, the only choice in their judgment of my work.


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