Newmanisms

  Second String

The a cappella quartet I helped start now has a new home: Second String.

Be sure to link to Second String (www.ssquartet.com)

  More Quizzes that Claim to Know You Better than You Know You...


Complete sincerity: You believe in being
straightforward with others, and you expect the
same from them. People would consider you a
good listener, and one who is calm and mostly
serious.


Which Characteristic From the Samurai Code Matches You Best? (You may find out your best trait)
brought to you by Quizilla

  Killing Terri

Terri Schiavo's husband, Michael, wants her dead. Ok, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt: Michael claims Terri would want to die if she knew she were in her current "persistent vegetative state."

The Traumatic Brain Injury Research Guide defines "persistent vegetative state (PVS)" as, "A long-standing condition in which the patient utters no words and does not follow commands or make any response that is meaningful."

The Oregon Brain Injury Resource Network defines PVS in the EXACT same way.

Finally, Healthlink, provided by the Medical College of Wisconsin, defines PVS as, "a condition in which individuals have lost cognitive neurological function and awareness of the environment but retain noncognitive function and a perserved sleep-wake cycle."

Persistent vegetative state?! The descriptions sound more so like students in a macroeconomics class. Name one student enrolled in Ecomonics 101 that hasn't lost "cognitive neurological funtion" and isn't in a "perserved sleep-wake cyle" and I'll produce the Easter Bunny.

If Terri deserves to die, then so does every freshmen business major.

  Wow...it's been a while...

I blame you.

Yes, you, Millikin.

Oh, not you, reader.

Don't be silly.

  Napoleon Dynamite: Worst Movie Ever

To those who had the audacity to lie to my face, ever so happily telling me that this "movie" was, and I quote, "funny,":

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The above applies to everyone but Carrie, who, I'm sure, had the best intentions when recommending the movie. But seriously...

Did anyone actually watch the movie before recommending it? What was actually funny about this movie? Between the heavy breathing and the awkward silence amidst some of the worst dialouge ever written, the only thing funny about this movie were the freaktards laughing at it (no offence, of course).

I had a feeling...a repulsion you might say...watching this movie. As if I just experienced a live porn, a midget porn...a gay midget porn, with ponies and old people. Yes, it was about that awkward and horrifying, only...add ewoks.

The best part about Napoleon Dynamite was the credits. And the part where I beat his clavicle in with an ironing board.

-5 milliontybillion stars.

  "Thy Candles Shine So Brightly..."

Humor: binding us together, a stronger adhesive than love, perhaps, if only for a brief moment; bringing social civility, in a normative sense, to a family so often consumed by emotional altercations--never physical, always painful, dim.

Tonight, like in Christmases past, distress took a holiday. For some years now, Christmas, one of two times during the 365, has acted as a catalyst of peace, a time when my family, acting almost as a single entity, functions--well.

We arrived at my aunt & uncle's semi-new home, a magnificent grey in the pale full moon. The lights inside tried desperately to penetrate the night, making their mark only feet from the window, the darkness being entirely too strong for the likes of mere electricity.

After the pleasantries (how is life/school/health/family/etc.?), we exchanged gifts--our material attempts to prove who loves who more--and quickly went to work on the hor d'oeuvres, quickly devouring the shrimp and pizza dip. Most of us ate so much pre-dinner, trying to eat meal was a joke, a sick, sadistic joke.

Post dinner, after conversation & wine (neither of which sparked my interest), the group attempted Trivial Pursuit: 90s. Apparently, none of us lived through that particular century, or, if we did, no one bothered to pay attention. Interest soon dwindled, the team in first voicing complaints against our hasty retreat. To their chagrin, the 90s went back to it's metal box, carefully folded in six, to be examined again at a later date--after the decade makes our textbooks, perhaps?

The can lights in the infinately high ceiling flickered in and out at random.

The "adults," of which I dare not include myself, had their coffee, a feeble attempt to mask the taste of the wine in my opinion. My cousin, whose attention span lasts long enough to be expensive (God, do I love the kid), introduced the table to Catchphrase, an electronic "password"-esque game in which you attempt to get your teammates, i.e. men versus women, to say the work on the tiny LCD screen. (Saying any form of the word is, of course, grounds for a beating.)

The highlights of our Catchphrase game:

My mother: "You know, the thing you cut meat with...the meat knife..."

Answer: steak

My grandfather, whom you have to know to get this joke: "The little things that I hate the most..."

My cousin: "Blacks?"

Answer: mushrooms

My mother: "The thing that runs your computer..."

'aunt-in-law': "Modem."

Answer: modem

My grandfather, looking sly: "Queers put these in their butts."

All of us: "..."

My mother, laughing: "Gerbils!"

All of us: *laughing*

Answer: gerbils

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Our laughter, beaming from one and all, must have been audible to the neighbors, the state, the universe, God. Points became extinct; who could lose?

When the game ended, due in large part to fatigue, gifts and food were packed, coats retrieved, and parting pleasantries exchanged (be safe/say "hi" to X for me/be good/etc.), a simple, solemn hush briefly overtaking the crowd.

My aunt turned out the kitchen light; the can lights flickered.

Annie Proulx once wrote that "love [sometimes] occurs without pain or misery." And sometimes a family, whose normal state is disarray, can laugh and forget their quarrels, pains. And sometimes their light, the glow of their laughter & love, can defeat the night, shining brightly--a beacon of hope--out the window, down the drive way, and into the darkness. Brilliant. focused. eternal

  Congrats and Stuff

Much applause to JACOB "HI-YO" ELAM for winning the 2004 Millikin Series of Poker Main Event on Tuesday December 14th.

I'm only a little bitter for losing because Jacob is, at least, a Republican.

I'm still pissed that I won TWO HANDS the entire night...bastards...

...one was a bluff...

*muahaha*

  Another Shameless Plug

Second String

Experience.

  I'm Weak

Notice the new link in the sidebar under "OTHER"...

Also, the Non-Blog Site of the Moment.

Be happy.

  Shameless Plug

A friend of mine was upset with some of the comments I made on this site about the state of the DemocRatic party, so the least I can do is give his photo journal a shameless plug.

He does take some nifty pictures. Not the ones of him though. Those suck. ;)

Please note: This is not an apology. Liberals still piss me off. Thank you.

  This is Why We Fight

Want to know how liberals deal with losing? Read this.

What. The. F***.

When liberals lose a major election apparantly their only option is to call everyone else that voted for their opponent stupid and ignorant.

The reason the Democrats have lost five of the last seven presidential elections is simple: A generation ago, the big capitalists, who have no morals, as we know, decided to make use of the religious right in their class war against the middle class and against the regulations that were protecting those whom they considered to be their rightful prey—workers and consumers. - Jane "Marx" Smiley

Liberals are the party that believe in having sex as much as you want, killing children before they have a chance to live, letting killers live, racial profiling Arabs is wrong because it might hurt their feelings, drowning young women is ok, screwing interns while married is also ok, being a member of the KKK (as long as you're on their side), and capitalism is wrong because people have to work for a living...yet WE'RE the one's with no morals.

Don't think about that concept for more than three minutes or blood will shoot out your nose.

  Quote of the Moment:

In Monicals:

Gay Guy: Who ordered the eight inch cheese pizza? Cause I didn't.

silence

Me (to Gay Guy): Didn't you order the eight inch sausage?

...

Horrible.

I'm going to hell, easily.

  Democrats = Spanked

Four years ago they cried "Selected Not Elected."

This year they simply cry.

If you haven't heard by now, the DemoRats tooks a BEATING (as in Rodney King endured a love tap by Calista Flockhart in comparison to this beating) in the election on Tuesday not only losing their chance at the Presidency but losing seats in the Senate and the House.

We're talking chainsaw to the testicles beating here, folks. I haven't seen a beating like this since "Mommy Dearest." To simplfy:

This election for the Democrats = being sodomized by a giant horse/elephant/John Holmes creature with a broken, glass condom...sans lube. Wait, make that with lube...and by lube I mean thumb tacks.

It's that bad.

Even the Democrat Minority Leader Tom Daschle was ousted by *Something* Thune.

I would like to say, "Thank you, America...for giving the DemoRats the proverbial finger...in the eye...with your nail...thats been sharpened to a fine point...with tabasco sauce on the end...and bugs."

p.s. - It's like S&M, without the sexy.

  Everything About Me Is Yellow

YELLOW You are very perceptive and smart. You are clear and to the point and have a great sense of humor. You are always learning and searching for understanding. Find out your color at Quiz Me!

discover what candy you are @ quiz me

  Vote Bush, Get Bush?

Part One:

More Republicans are satisfied with their sex lives than Democrats according to a "Primetime Live" survey.

But ABC, in an attempt to destroy ANY information that might make Republicans look human or, in this case, more attractive to swing voters than Democrats, downplayed the survey by explaining that more men tend to be Republican and men tend to be more sexually satisfied.

What a bunch of propagandist crap! What man do you know (including yourself (if you are a man)) is SATISFIED with the amount of sex he has? NONE. The answer is ZERO. Men always want MORE sex. MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE. "In the mornin', in the evenin', ain't we got fun!" Any time of day, any day of the week, every week of the year, men always want more sex.

A conversation you will never hear or have:

Hot Woman (insert man if you're ... you know): Hey, let's have hot sex as many times as you want until, after hours upon hours of the horizontal AND vertical macarena, your heart finally explodes from the constant flow of blood to your throbbing python of love. Then, after your corpse hardens from rigamortis, we'll do it again for good measure.

Man: I think I'll pass; I have a headache.

THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN. EVER.

"But what about Priests?" -- Don't make me go there.

"But what about monks?" -- They're not real men.

"But what about X?" -- Real mean = want more sex. If X does not want more sex, then X is either an imposter male or a woman.

Part Two:

I'm not sure what implications this new survey will have on the swing vote crowd. The message seems to be, "If you vote Republican your sex life will be better. With a candidate whose last name is synonymous with vagina, how can you go wrong?"

There is still no data on the survey implications for gay Republicans.

Part Three:

The survey also indicated that more Democrats fake orgasms. Again, ABC attributed this to more women being Democrats than Republicans, and, stereotypically, women fake orgasms more than men.

Newmanisms would like to say that there is still no evidence, to our liking, that proves that women actually can have an orgasm. It's a big myth.

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Please don't send me hate mail; I'm just kidding.

Or am I?

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No really I am...

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...not...

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...not kidding.

  Billy Bob Blasts the Bard

Billy Bob Thornton, famous for his roles in Bad Santa and CatDog: The Great Parent Mystery, mercilessly attacked William Shakespeare Monday calling his work "bulls**t" and comparing his work to "corny soap operas," so says the Sun Online.

Indeed, Billy "Master Thespian" Bob makes a valid point when he says, "“I think Shakespeare’s overrated." His point being that he, Bobbo, is a f*cktard in need of a beating from a cluebat.

Billy "My Most Well-Known Role Was That of a Retard" Bob wouldn't know talent if it walked up to him, punched him in his testicles, doused him with gasoline, set him on fire, put out the fire with a blanket...of tacks, and poured leeches (fed only with lemon juice and tabasco sauce) on his open, smoldering wounds...

Billy "I Dated Angelina Jolie and That's My Biggest Claim to Fame (Wow I'm A Loser)" Bob, in splendid ignorance, goes on to say, "Who’d want to see me in Hamlet?"

Ding, Ding! Here comes the Tard Trolley: NO ONE WOULD WANT TO SEE YOU IN HAMLET OR ANYTHING ELSE THAT REQUIRES TALENT BECAUSE IT'S SOMETHING YOU DESPERATELY LACK. Keanu Reeves has more talent in his semi-crossed eyes than Thornton has in his disgusting excuse for a body (that's not a lot of talent, by the way...nearly none in fact...have you SEEN the Matrix movies!?!?!).

Billy "{Long Derogatory Nickname}" Bob should stick to what he's good at: nothing. If I were to suggest a career for Thornton, I'd pick suicide. He should start as soon as possible.

  Both Candidates Suck: I am the Winner; The Winner is Me

After careful analysis of the presidential debate, and even more analysis of the bruises and bumps developing on my forehead from the constant banging of my cranium against a table (to try and ease the pain of both the candidates' stupidity), I declare MYSELF the winner of the debate.

"How did you win?" asked Jean Kerrie after I kicked him in the shins and told him his mother was a whore.

It's simple: I'm obviously smarter, witter, and better looking than either Bush or Kerrie and, according to a recent edition of the widely read and acclaimed Lone Tree Leader, I "know it all."



Yes, that's right folks. I now have empirical evidence that I, indeed, am omniscient; thus, I'm better than everyone else (minus God--he's a few omnis up on me); thus, I win the debate.

Simple, eh? (God cannot win because he doesn't play by the rules...considering he makes them...)

That and Kerrie is a F*cktard and Bush is a pushover pansy afraid to stand up for true conservative values.

But...the lesser of two evils: BUSH/CHENEY '04

  A Triumphant Return???

Or more disappointments!?

Thousands of peopleOne person email me everyday emailed me yesterday asking me, "When are you returning to the blogsphere!?" "Can I have those pants back you borrowed?"

The answer is: SOON and NO (no pants for you)!

My pity conjecture will soon grace the blogsphere once again. College has been rather busy but soon I will have enough time for my precious.

Never fear...the day will come...

  Fahrenheit 9/11: Moore Garbage

(Normally, reviewing a movie over five weeks old is pointless, but Fahrenheit 9/11 recently broke the $100 million mark proving once again that people will pay to see anything.)

Pulling into the parking lot of Boardman's Art Theatre in Champaign, George and I immediately felt threatened. We weren't concerned by the three muggers on the corner, the unmistakable sound of gunfire, nor the half dozen drug deals simultaneously happening all around us. We were scared by the hippies...lots and lots of hippies. We stepped out of the car, careful not to reveal our true conservative identity. "Shoot," I said to myself, "I'm not wearing a tie-dye shirt or burning incense; I'll be discovered for sure." Luckily for us, there was a scary hippie with a dog handing out flyers with "Take a Bite Out of Bush" written in bold print. We eagerly grabbed a handful, hoping to fit in. "Hey, come back here," the dog owning hippie shouted as we stood in line for tickets. I knew we were caught. Two "well-fed," white, young men with no body piercings or marijuana leaf shirts could never pose as Bush haters out on a Monday night to see the newest Bush bashing film, Fahrenheit 9/11. What was I thinking? Nervously, George and I approached the man just waiting for a shout, a battle cry to rally his hippie, "pacifist" friends who would quickly lynch us in the streets using only 100% hemp rope, which, if no blood was spilled, they would later smoke while dancing naked and singing "Mr. Tambourine Man." Oh the horror! The hippie stared us down for what seemed to be an eternity. Suddenly, he spoke, "Do you fellows want a 'Take a Bite Out of Bush' bumper sticker?" A bumper sticker? It had to be a trap. Thinking quickly, I replied, "A bumper sticker? I don't drive a CAR! What do you think I am? Some fascist, neo-Nazi, capitalist pig!?" The hippie looked at us, looked at his dog, and finally waved us on. We had passed. We could watch the movie without fear of naked dancing and crazed hippie singing. Just when I thought we were safe, several dozen flying saucers landed from the planet Larebil and began destroying the theatre with their anti-matter rifles. George and I did what we hand to do: we drew our laser swords and bravely flew into battle, destroying every alien but losing an arm and a kidney between us... Oh, I almost forgot the best part, if you believed the majority of this paragraph, Michael Moore wants you to see his movie; you're his target audience.

Fahrenheit 9/11 is the newest documentary from controversial filmmaker Michael Moore(on), the director of "Bowling for Columbine." In his latest film, Moore, who his friends affectionately call "Jabba," tries his best to destroy the Bush administration's credibility and integrity. Using news clips, sound bytes, unclassified documents, and interviews, Moore pieces together a "conspiracy" on such a grand scale, the Monica Lewinsky scandal pales in comparison, or at least it WOULD if any of Moore's conspiracy was based on facts. In reality, where we live and Moore visits on occasion, Fahrenheit 9/11 has more lies, cover-ups, and deceits than the eight years of the Clinton administration! (Putting the total at well over 300 trillion.)

F911 begins with the 2000 Election, a subject still fresh in everyone's minds since it only happened 4 YEARS AGO. Al Gore is shown celebrating his victory in Florida while Moore inserts news clips of Dan Rather and other high profile reporters projecting that Florida's electoral votes would go to Gore. Moore then claims that one station DARE go against the main stream and call Florida for Bush: FOX News. All of a sudden, the other stations, not wanting to go against the all-mighty FOX News, called the state for Bush. Worse yet, the man that made the call at FOX News was none other than a COUSIN of Bush. Oh, the humanity!
Dave Kopel, in his article "Fifty-nine Deceits in Fahrenheit 9/11," writes, "In fact, the networks which called Florida for Gore did so early in the evening-before polls had even closed in the Florida panhandle, which is part of the Central Time Zone. NBC called Florida for Gore at 7:49:40 p.m., Eastern Time. This was 10 minutes before polls closed in the Florida panhandle. Thirty seconds later, CBS called Florida for Gore. And at 7:52 p.m., Fox called Florida for Gore. Moore never lets the audience know that Fox was among the networks which made the error of calling Florida for Gore prematurely." In addition, "About an hour before the polls closed in panhandle Florida, the networks called the U.S. Senate race in favor of the Democratic candidate. The networks seriously compounded the problem because from 6-7 Central Time, they repeatedly announced that polls had closed in Florida--even though polls were open in the panhandle." Unfortunately for Bush, the Florida panhandle is the most conservative part of the state. The constant announcement that the polls were closed probably caused Bush to lose thousands of votes. Moore compounds his lie by implying that Fox was the first station to call Florida for Bush when, in fact, CNN called Florida for Bush at 10 p.m.-four hours earlier than Fox. Tsk Tsk Mr. Moore. Someone should have done some research.

Michael "I'm-Better-At-Propaganda-Than-Joseph-Goebbels" Moore continues with his deceits in his segment on the Bin Laden family's connection with Bush. Moore sets up the segment with very moving graphics of the 9/11 attacks and simple, but powerful, shots of people on the street looking in horror as the events of 9/11 played out above them. Several frames later, news clips from the nation's airports are shown, thousands of people unable to fly. "Not even Ricky Martin would fly," Moore states getting a big laugh from the crowd, "But really, who wanted to fly? No one. Except the bin Ladens." Moore then flashes the documents authorizing the Bin Ladens to fly out of the country. What Moore does NOT emphasize is that the Bin Ladens flew out of the country on September 13th, the day restrictions were lifted on all flights. A New York Times articles with the headline, "White House Approved Departures of Saudis after Sept. 11, Ex-Aide Says," is flashed across the screen giving the impression that Bush approved the Bin Ladens' flight out of the country. Actually, Richard Clarke, former counter-terrorism czar and hero in Moore's eyes for testifying that Bush ignored terror threats, authorized the Bin Ladens to fly out of the country, a fact Moore fails to mention while he's praising Clarke later in the movie.

By far my favorite part of the movie comes during the Iraq War section. Moore contends Bush invaded Iraq purely for oil. (If we just had a war for oil, why are we paying $2.00 a gallon!?) Moore flashes a date on the screen: March 19, 2003-the day before we invaded Iraq. Then, in several sequences that literally made my jaw drop, Moore shows children playing in the streets, flying kites, and laughing; women walking jovially down the street, laughing with their friends; and other scenes of a supposedly happy, non-oppressed Iraqi people. Then, another date: March 20, 2003-the day we invaded Iraqi. A bomb lights of the Iraqi night; buildings are seen burning; men, women, and children crying, searching for their loved ones; innocent civilians killed in a reckless American bombing; and general chaos. Moore narrates, "On March 20, America attacked the sovereign nation of Iraq. A nation that had never attacked the United States. A nation that had never threatened to attack the United States. A nation that had never murdered a single American." I'll give you a second to read that narration again. ... Moore is either A) a complete moron B) in denial or C) all of the above. Has Moore ever heard of the GULF WAR!? During the Gulf War, 148 Americans lost their lives in fighting with the Iraqi army-an army under the leadership of Saddam Hussein. Mr. Moore may have saved himself some embarrasement had he done a simple Google search regarding the Gulf War. It's not hard, Mr. Moore. I'm sure someone can show you have to click "Search." If any of my collegiate papers were HALF as made up as F911, I would be expelled for academic dishonesty.

I could go on for pages and pages about the rest of Moore's lies, but Dave Koppel covers the majority in his article which can be found at http://www.davekopel.com/Terror/Fiftysix-Deceits-in-Fahrenheit-911.htm. Christopher Hitchens also does a great job fisking Moore's movie in his article at http://slate.msn.com/id/2102723. There's a bigger issue here than Moore and his lies (although not much is bigger than Moore). Liberals willingness to lie, deceive, and propagandize in order to destroy the Bush administration and regain power is beyond anything America has seen in its 228 years. The Democrat Party and its supporters will say and do anything to make sure Kerry and Edwards are elected. They have no regard for the truth or the will of the American people; what's good for America is bad for the Democrats. If Osama is caught: bad for the Democrats. If the economy booms: bad for the Democrats. If unemployment drops: bad for the Democrats. In order to win, Democrat supporters have to keep the American people in fear, and, as Moore proves, they'll say anything to do it.

Moore, like many propaganda artists before him, is amazing at what he does. His style of taking quotes out of context, telling half-truths and direct lies is brilliantly convincing. Only when his movies are examined closely do his deceptive tactics surface. If you're one of the thousands who saw F911 and were convinced by Moore's lying, I can't blame you. His movie is quite believable IF you assume Moore is telling the truth. Too bad for the Democrats, he's not...at all...not even a little bit. But if you're a Democratic looking for any excuse to hate Bush (despite the truth), F911 will leave you wanting Moore.

  New to Newmanisms?
 
Get yourself acquainted by reading "Newman's Favorites," listed in the sidebar under the crafty title "Newman's Favorites."  Aren't I clever?
 
The answer is "yes."
 
(Posts with a "*" were voted "extra tasty" by a panel of super-intelligent dolphins).
 

  The Problem with Cake
 
When I was just a wee lad, no more than three or four, I was very needy and demanding (some things never change). I remember an incident involving soda that can express the extent to which my impatience and inconsolability embodied my youth. My family ate dinner later than other families due to my grandfather's work schedule. Much like an archetypal example of a Pavlov experiment, my family gathered around the dinner table, hungry but patient, in anticipation of my grandfather's arrival, as if his entrance was our bell, our signal to salivate and begin consumption. Our "fast-until-grandfather-arrives" tradition caused a skirmish one evening when my grandfather was late coming home from work. I demanded my mother give me pop before dinner. My demands quickly turned into tantrums, as my requests were not being met with the utmost speed and sincerity they deserved. "Just a drop!" I shouted, "Please!" Looking defeated, my mother stood up, got the pop and a cup, and proceeded to pour. She handed me the cup and I hastily drank every drop. The problem was that every drop literally entailed one drop. Sensing a tantrum to end all tantrums—the Three Mile Island of tantrums—my mother quickly used her sense of humor and wit, "You asked for pop and you got it. You can’t have your pop and drink it too." Hardy har-har. Young children do not appreciate humor; thus, I cried.

"You cannot have your cake and eat it too," is the expression from which my mother cleverly deviated. What is the point of having pop if you cannot drink it? Cake if you cannot eat it? What is the point of having anything if you cannot drink, eat, use, whatever it? My developing mind could not comprehend such concepts. Now, I know. The point is simple: one cannot enjoy two conflicting pleasures/actions/thoughts/etc. at the same time. To better understand the proverb, think of it in this way, "You cannot eat your cake and have it too." My incident involving pop is scarcely related to two pleasures; my mother was simply trying to be funny while teaching me a lesson. As vague as the lesson may be to a toddler, I thank my mother, grandmother, and grandfather for teaching me such lessons at an early age. Many young’ens, especially Americans, do not get the same morally clear parenting; thus, our problem with cake.

In America, freedoms are taken for granted. The right to assemble, speak freely, practice the religion of your choice, and privacy are not luxuries afforded to every citizen of Earth. Even countries that claim they are democratic and free often infringe on individual rights. In France, children wearing a cross, a skullcap, or a Muslim headdress to school are violating separation of church and state according to a new law. Can you imagine such a law in the U.S.? The outrage would be overwhelming. America, while not flawless, is the best damn place to live on this planet, and if you don’t think so, you have every right to express your belief…or leave. Your choice (I’d prefer if you chose the latter).

But with freedom comes obligation and responsibility or, I might say, should come with obligation and responsibility, words so neglected in modern American culture I’m sure some of you are looking them up in ol’ Webster about now. In what I like to refer to as the Golden Days of America, pre-1950, taking responsibility for your freedom meant admitting when you’re wrong or you made a mistake, helping others in their time of need instead of relying on the government, and respecting yourself and others. During that same time, one’s obligation to freedom was simple: defend the right of every individual to be free. Our founding fathers put their lives on the line to fight for this obligation, this certain inalienable right to freedom that Jefferson wrote is a people’s "duty" to uphold. During World War II, America and its allies fought and defeated a German, Nazi regime supported by its citizens. Did we care to ask what the people of Germany wanted? Did we set up free elections? Did we allow Nazis to have any power in Government? No, no, and no. Why? Because America had moral clarity. We knew our system, our philosophy, and our way of life was superior to the fascist Nazi regime’s totalitarian control. In a sense, as self defeating as it sounds, America basically said, "You will be free whether you like it or not!" The result: a free, democratic Europe. I think I’d call that a success.

Sixty years later, America is at war with a country so technologically inferior its soldiers surrendered to camera planes and we are losing. Not because we don’t have enough troops, not because we don’t have superior firepower, and not because our enemy is more powerful. We are losing because we have lost our moral clarity. Too many people doubt the American philosophy, yet flourish from what it has created. People like Senator John Kerry and his wife, Teresa Heinz, become rich from the American way of life, having the freedom to criticize the government at every turn, and yet, they both loathe this war in Iraq. Kerry, who voted to give President Bush authorization to use force against Iraq (and was later shocked when it happened), recently said, "The world is far more tattered and volatile than it was when this president came into office. I believe one of the reasons is the ill-advised way he went to Iraq." If Kerry weren’t so busy trying to find a way to blame America (and Bush) for the volatility of the world, for which I would blame THE TERRORISTS, he would realize he’s partially right for the wrong reasons.

I like President Bush and I think he’s a far better president than John Kerry would ever be, but that does not mean he can’t be wrong. Kerry hit the bull’s eye when he criticized the way Bush went into Iraq, but like I said, for the wrong reasons. Bush, in his attempt to gain re-election, is no better than Kerry at realizing our lack of moral clarity is why we’re losing in Iraq. Bush claims to know the enemy, and he swears he wants to establish a free, democratic Iraq, yet more Americans lose their lives every day in Iraq because we don’t want to be big bullies. If we force our way on Iraq, the rest of the world will be mad at us! And we don’t want that, do we? Yes. Yes, yes, and yes. The only way to secure Iraq, ensure freedom, and stop the killing of our troops is to quit playing by the rules. Goodbye Geneva Convention. So long treating terrorist POWs with civility. America CANNOT win this war playing by the rules, especially when the terrorists we’re facing won’t even read them.

So, what do we do? "What can I do?" you ask. Be proud. Don’t be afraid to annoy your politically correct neighbors by flying your flag high. Never forget that the American way of life is and always will be the best and only way to live. Tell your congressmen, your senator, and President Bush that you’re tired of Americans dying in Iraq; tell them to stop appeasing terrorists and start defeating them; tell them to defy the Supreme Court ruling allowing terrorist detainees a right to lawyers at your expense; and finally, tell them that freedom above all other philosophies must be promoted in Iraq and around the world.

  Cheeky, Maybe...

Teresa Heinz wants to be a dog.

(I wonder if she has ever looked in the mirror?)


Teresa Heinz pictured on the left...I think.
When asked about her "oddness" Heinz replied:

"Yeah, I am odd in the sense that I have so many different mixes in my life."

Not a purebred. Pity. (57? Isn't that the number of mixes, Teresa?)

She is both rich and reachable...Teresa Heinz Kerry is one of the wealthiest women in the world. She's worth an estimated $500 million, and, as CBS News Correspondent Byron Pitts reports, she is not easily defined.

First off, what on Earth does "reachable" mean? Yeah, I can put my hand out and touch her--not that I'd want to--but how does one define "reachable?"

From Dictionary.com:

"reachable

adj : easily approached; "a site approachable from a branch of the Niger" [syn: approachable]

Source: WordNet ® 1.6, © 1997 Princeton University"

So...she doesn't bite? Good to know.

Close friends call her "Momma T" for her nurturing ways. But staffers note she moves when and how she chooses.

A good momma who doesn't need a leash...Wonderful!

She only recently started using Kerry's last name and was prompted more by anger than ambition to change her party affiliation.

"I was very upset at the way the party dealt with Max Cleland of Georgia," she says.

Cleland is the Democratic senator who lost re-election in a bitter campaign when Republicans attacked his patriotism. In 1968, Cleland lost his right arm and both legs in Vietnam.

Shock and awe. The press doesn't give the Republican side of the story.

"I thought it was disgusting," says Heinz Kerry. "All I could think was, 'What does the Republican Party need - a fourth limb to make a person a hero?'"

No, we need a reason to make a person a hero. Picking up a grenade and dropping it on your foot when you're about to go drink with your friends is not a reason to praise Mr. Cleland. Of course, Newmanisms thanks Mr. Cleland for serving his country, but putting him on a pedestal for dropping a grenade in a non-combat situation is not acceptable.

On the campaign trail, voters, especially women, seem drawn to her.

They all walk up, pat her on the head, and give her a treat. "Good girl. Do you love Kerry? Do you? Yes you dooooo."

"She's a very strong woman, a very deep and thoughtful woman," says Kerry supporter Molly Fox. "But, unfortunately, there are certain people in our country who are terrified of strong women."

Not her husband.

When she scares Kerry he just rolls up the newspaper and pats it ominously on his hand. Teresa doesn't like the newspaper.

Kerry describes his wife as "saucy, sexy and brilliant."

Ok, I'll give you saucy and possibly brilliant, but sexy? Don't be greedy.

"I mean, I'm cheeky, I'm sexy, [Don't forget humble] whatever," she says. "You know, I've got a lot of life inside."

Life and poo. There's a lot of poo in there somewhere.

When Pitts asked how many 65-year-olds call themselves sexy, she smiles slyly and quips: "How many of that age have you asked?"

Pitts: Actually, none...cause frankly, we didn't ask you...you just kind of blurted it out...

Heinz Kerry is her own woman.

That's good, cause slavery ended quite some time ago, and if Teresa were a slave, that would be sad.

If she becomes first lady, she says, she won't try and change the world and the world won't change her.

Once again good. Changing the world is pretty hard. Unless you're God. Then it's not so bad, but Teresa is not God as far as Newmanisms knows. Our research shows that the her only super power is tasting good with salty fries.

Good girl.

  What's This? WMDs in Iraq!? Impossible!

Could there possibly be evidence that Iraq had WMDs? Some say no while others say yes. The U.N. seems to think so.

Eat Crow, Liberals?

The real question is: will this be enough evidence for the commies or will they still refute the existence of WMDs in Iraq? Is this the "smoking gun" libs have been waiting for?

No. Probably not. Kerry and the Klintons are waiting for a smoking crater in the middle of a major city.

Emperor Misha suspects something more, and I agree.

  Newmanisms & American Public: Enough Dan & Tom

Dan Rather & Tom Brokaw are idiots sick of the Reagan coverage.

Even though everybody is respectful and wants to pay homage to the president, life does goes on.

Said Dan Rather shaking violently from not seeing Abu Ghraib on TV in over two days. Rather went on to say:

There is other news, like the reality of Iraq.

And of what reality would Rather be speaking? The media's reality or everyone else's reality?
Sorry Rather, but the American public would RATHER pay homage to one of the greatest presidents this country has ever seen than watch a non-stop barrage of "Hate America First" rhetoric 24 hours a day in the communist news media.

As for Brokaw...I mean really. He's senile. Does anyone care what he has to say?

...

I didn't think so.

  The Axis of Ignorant Strikes Again

Read this. I link to Greg Palast's article not because I want to generate traffic for the Axis of Ignorant but because this article needs to be read by every American. Why? Not because of the article's "revelations" or it's message, but because it reveals the true nature of the American left.

The Clintons, Kerry, and every other half-witted DemoKrat only wish they could say how they truly feel about Reagan just as Palast does. Sure, Kerry has plenty of kind words for the late president while he's trying to get votes, but kindness was not always the case.

Imagine the outcry from the "don't-offend-anyone-love-your-neighbor" left if someone were to write an article like this when Bill Clinton dies. Hypocrisy at it's finest. Leave it to the left to attack a man when he's dead.

Palast's article is why I will always...always be a member of the vast right wing conspiracy.

  A New Email Address

I'm helping Google out by testing their new GMAIL. My new address is drichards@gmail.com, or you can click on the EMAIL ME button in the sidebar.

  Two Tributes

On this Sunday, June 6th, 2004, Americans pay homage to the soldiers who fought to perserve freedom and remember one of America's greatest presidents.

A D Day Tribute.

A Tribute to Ronald Reagan.

  Some Stuff I Missed:

(Here's some news that slipped through my blogging fingers...actually, there's a lot of news I don't comment on, but this is the stuff that, if I weren't so lazy, I would have commented on. Get it?)

Fetus Genocide on the Rise:

Drudge released this gem which caught my attention. Basically, feminazis are now killing their children because they're not perfect.

Doctor: I'm sorry ma'am but your baby may have a cleft lip that, unfortunatly, will not go well with your Gucci shoes.

Woman: Pity. Abort. I'll just make another.

Both: Hahahahahaha...

People make me sick. Please see My Humble Proposal.

Democrats Have SOME Core Beliefs:

Rich Lowry gives us an exquisite, if somewhat outdated, list of What Democrats Believe.

Also, Ann Coulter, conservative Goddess, tells us what happens When Blue States Attack.

  My College Daze: An Overview of My Freshman Experience at Millikin University

The following is the first part of my essay examining my first year in college. I don't know how many parts there will be or when they'll be completed...so don't ask (hehe). By the way, Big Blue is Millikin's mascot...FYI. Please remember, this is a work in progress. Thank you.

Part One: Big Blues(?)

In hindsight, I was more than nervous, frightened even, about beginning my college career, away from the security net of my parents, grandparents, and structured high school life. For eighteen years life was sugar coated. Despite my mother's liberal attitude towards parenting which afforded me more independence than most of my friends, life as I knew it was safeguarded by societal norms thoroughly enforced by high school, law enforcement, and especially my loving grandparents. My preconceived notions of college were the polar opposite of my secure high school life; the safety nets of my youth would be removed or at least have larger holes.

After packing the car with the essentials (computer, clothes, books, and, of course, the TV), my mother, grandfather, and I began the hour and a half journey to Millikin University, the place I tried to think of as a home away from home. An uneasy almost solemn silence accompanied our car ride; no one spoke more than a few words at a time. Looking back, I probably should have done more to ease my mother’s anxiety. Letting go must have been beyond difficult after eighteen years of trying desperately to hold on, watching me grow and mature, trying to mold me into a "good" boy while allowing me the freedom to be me. She tried to sleep, probably to get her mind off of the day. I "woke" her upon our arrival.

Moving in is barely a blur now. Everything was hurried, as if my grandfather, the man who for eighteen years was (and still is) my father figure, wanted me moved in as soon as possible. It's funny how people deal with stress differently; my mother had silence and my grandfather, haste. My roommate had arrived earlier and he graciously helped me with my "stuff." His parents greeted my mother and grandfather as I, for the first time, looked upon the matchbox my school called a "room" that I was to call home for the school year.

With the physical moving complete, unpacking and organization were next on the agenda. My mother insisted on making my bed, a final gesture, no doubt, of her undying need and want to care for me. Unpacking took much longer than packing and moving combined, and by the time we finished, my mother and grandfather decided we should go to lunch. I guess haste and silence fell by the wayside as reality beckoned.

Sitting in a cold, plastic booth at a local fast food joint, we had a long talk. The conversation while undoubtedly sincere seemed fake and contrived. "Are you (scared, anxious, tired, excited, happy, sad, etc. etc. etc.)?" My grandfather, like always, tried to my make light of the situation. "Don't let them liberal professors change your mind," he warned. "Damn Hippies." I told him he had nothing to worry about in-between sips of my fourth or fifth Pepsi--caffeine is how I deal with stress.

Was I upset with the farewell lunch? At the time, yes. I wanted more than the standard questions and menial jokes. I wanted both of them to say something inspirational, something profound that would take away all of my worries and cast me off onto my own with the comfort of knowing everything would be fine not only in college but at home as well. I know now there are no such words, and I have no regrets, qualms, or animosities towards that send off lunch. My family did what they know how to do, and for that, I'll be forever grateful.

After the food and conversation digested, my mother and grandfather dropped me off in front of New Hall Four. My mother cried, openly, for the first time, hugging me as if her arms, locked tight behind me, could somehow keep me from leaving home, leaving her, and leaving my childhood. My grandfather shook my hand and with a smile and nod said only what he needed to say, "Good luck, buddy. I love ya."

With that, I used my new key to unlock the front door of New Hall Four, which for me was New Home One, and as the cold, stale air gently rushed to greet my face, I knew "we" were no longer "we," "us" no longer "us." Were we now two separate entities, my family and I, with two separate lives meeting only in tangent? I felt myself in an Orwellian state, contradicting thoughts fighting for supremacy in my mind, all of which I deemed to be true. Thus, happiness and sadness filled me equally as my family and I went our separate ways, bonded by blood, spirit, and love, separate and one for eternity and beyond.

  101 Freakin' Posts

Most people would celebrate 100 posts. Screw that. What does 100 posts prove? Abso-freakin-loutly nothing, that's what. 101 posts, on the hand, prove I have the staying power of a half-way decent male enhancement drug (probably a generic though...not like Viagra or anything...let's be serious).

I haven't gathered a huge following, but, frankly, I don't care. This blog is an outlet for me to vent about anything that grabs my attention. Thank you to those who do read though. Your daily visits are much appreciated.

Hopefully, I'll be able to keep up a regular posting schedule (which mainly consists of new posts at night), but during the school year I can't promise much.

Anyways, thanks bunches peoples. (That's a lots of S's.)

Magna Est Vis Veritatis

-Newman

  Do I Have Comments?

Do I?

UPDATE:

Woohoo! I think my comments work!

Please tell me if you experience a problem with commenting.

  What Liberal Bias!? Oh, That One...

Guess what? Liberals far outnumber conservatives in the news business. Surprise. Shock and awe. What a revelation.

Conservatives have known for years that liberals slant the news farther to the left than Mark and now the Pew Research Center, with a new survey, pretty much confirms what we knew.

CNN, the Communist News Network, is one of the most biased "news" networks especially considering their "unbiased" polls. Without further ado, I present my predictions for future CNN polls:

Social Issues:

My stance on gay marriage is:
[] I love homosexuals! Heck, I'd marry one!
[] They are humans and have the right to marry.
[] I'm a homophobe; gay marriage is wrong.
[] I'm a homophobe; what's a "gay"?

Should the President be cutting taxes in these economically turbulent times?
[] Yes, but only for those who are poor and/or don't pay taxes.
[] No, giving people more of their money is a recipe for trouble!
[] No, I love paying taxes. All hail Marx!
[] Yes, I'm a rich bastard with more money and I want more! MORE I SAY!

The President:

Do you think (King) George Bush deserves impeachment over Abu Ghraib?
[] Of course! He should be impeached because he can't ride a bike!
[] Yes, he wasn't elected anyway.
[] No, the president really had nothing to do with it...Just kidding, I hate him!
[] No, I'm a Nazi.

Is W scholastically challenged and/or dyslexic?
[] Duh, both! He had a "C" average at that one college he went too!
[] Yes, It would explain his ears.
[] Maybe, I mean...seriously...
[] No, and am neethur I.

The War:

The War in Iraq was:
[] A bad idea; we should leave (they were better off with Saddam).
[] A good idea; it makes G.W. and America look bad, always a plus.
[] A good idea; I'm a Nazi.
[] A bad idea; war never solved anything.

The soldiers involved in the Abu Ghraib incident should be:
[] Fed to angry, man-eating pigs (aka the Democratic Underground)
[] Publicly stoned and I don't mean ala Bob Marley
[] Handed over to the Iraqis they tortured and then stoned
[] Honorably discharged; I'm a Nazi.

  Links of the Moment

Wanna be semi-almost-kinda-a-little-bit famous?

Want some funny?

Wanna play a "fun" game?

Need a band name?

  How to Vote for President

Bill O'Reilly made an interesting point on his over rated show, The O'Reilly Factor, the other day (it's not often he makes good points so listen up). Mr. O'Reily had an easy litmus test to decide who you should vote for in the presidential election.

"Find out who the terrorists want," said Bill, "and vote for the other guy."

With that in mind, I guess the Kerry team should stop producing these bumper stickers:



Pity. Kerry won't be able to find another running mate that agrees with him on so many points.

  1 Down 3 to Go

My freshman year is over. The year was pretty rough and it took a lot at times to even get up in the morning. But no one told me that the hardest part of your first year of college is leaving.

The first thing I did upon my arrival at home was hug my grandmother. I love her dearly. After the uncomfortable small talk, "How are you?" "Fine." "Are you glad to be home." "Of course," I went home, or what used to be my home.

My mother is probably the most important person in my life, but after our initial greeting, I felt like a stranger, as if I were visiting. More small talk. I eventually fell asleep on the couch, my dog Simon at my feet.

When I woke up, I felt very awkward. There were no bells, whistles, or obnoxious laughing to wake me up (my roommate had a Walt Disney alarm clock with a Goofy setting), no neighbors to barge in uninvited to complain that I slept past noon (as they take a pop from the fridge), and certainly no one to call and ask if I wanted to go to lunch at Quiznos (they overslept as well)...

Don't get me wrong, my friends from highschool are beyond wonderful. But we didn't get to share that bond of being away from home for the first time. We didn't get to share the experience.

To all of my college friends who read this: I wish I could express how much you mean to me. Words, whether spoken, written, or sung, only restrict my ability to tell you how much you've changed my life. Without you, my first year away from home, in the shadows of reality, would've been impossible, stagnant, and uneducational. You taught me the majority of what I learned at Millikin, and I'm sure I have plenty more to learn.

WUSAL,

See you in the fall...

  What Book of the Bible am I?

According to Quizilla:

YOU ARE PROVERBS:

You don't speak much. But when you do people tend to listen. You are logical and precise, yet you have a very tender heart that longs for others to learn both from your experience and your personal study. People see you more as a serious person who is willining to listen completely before trying to solve their problems. They also trust you to guide them down the right path. If you are a man that aspires to such, you would make a great elder. If not, your spiritual gifting should at least point you to some form of leadership role in the Body...wise leaders are always in demand.

Which book of the Bible are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

  A Response to My Problem Avec the Lord

Thank you to Stephen H. from Acid Zen Wonder Paint for taking time to reply to my question regarding God. Stephen wrote:

My two cents:

(For simplicity of typing, I'm defaulting to the masculine in referring to God.)

Just because I'm capable of blinding myself, it doesn't mean I'm any less able to see right now.

Sure, if God was all-powerful, he would certainly have control over his own perception. If God is omniscient and omnipotent, I'm sure he could create a world and remove his ability to understand it.

But would that make him stop being God? Is God defined by being omniscient and omnipotent? If God, for whatever reason, put a halt to his own omniscience, would that make him no longer God? Or would he just become 'God, except over there, there I'm just awesome.' Really, when you write all the rules, you can probably do whatever the hell you want.

I'm not a philosophy major or anything, that's just what I think.

-Stephen Heintz
http://snipehunting.rydia.net/

Deep.

Stephen is exactly right. After discussing my problem with several friends, we came to the conclusion that since God is all powerful, he can make himself know AND not know a word at the same time! HE'S GOD (for God's sake)! If he wants to make a circle with seventeen SIDES then he CAN because he's God. In my problem with God, I was short-changing the word omnipotent. Silly me.

Thanks again, Stephen, for setting me straight, and keep those comics a flowing; you're my idol!

  More Philosophy: A Problem

If God is omnipotent and omniscient--all powerful, all knowing, and acting without restrictions--can God create a word he cannot understand? If he can't, then he's not omnipotent...and if he can, then he's not omniscient...

Help.

Any responses?

  Collegiate Philosophy

Lou: My grandmother and I were in a store in the board games section. We were playing around with the Ouija board and I was makin' it move and my gram was like, "Oh my God!" and I was like, "Grammy it's me." Anyway, I decided I wanted the Ouija board and my grammy was gonna buy it for me. So, we're waiting in line and in front of us is this really old man wearing one of those old man hats...you know what I mean. Anyway, we're standing there and this old guy's like, "Those things are evil!" and my gram and I were like, "Yeah...weirdo." So I decide I don't want the board game and I went to take it back. Meanwhile, my gram's standing there with this guy and he's talking the whole time. By the time I get back, he's gone. His place line was gone; it was like he never existed. Here's the thing: my gram was holding this piece of paper and I asked, "What's that?" She said, "Oh that quack gave it to me." I opened up and written on it was a straight line from 1945 to 2007. Do you know what happened in 1945?

Me: The end of WWII?

Lou: Exactly. The last time the entire world was involved in war. On this line on the paper were little marks for every year up till 2007. And every year there was an event. In 2000 it said.....uehhh.....something about stuff and in 2001 it said, "A great disaster was going to take place" and the twin towers were .. yeah. Anway, after 2007 there are no entries and that's gonna be the end of the world.

Me: That's interesting and all, but since the first human had the ability to comprehend "the end" there have been predictions.

Lou: That's my point. Humans always look to the end. They're never worried about what's happening right now. They have to look to the end because it's the only thing in this world they have no idea how to do.

Me: *confused look*

Lou: Here's the thing: *pause* *as if the words are lodged in his throat* I think that every is born with the ability to do anything, they just need help getting there. Do you know what I mean? I mean, like everyone is born with the ability to play an instrument they just need help activating that part of the brain. That's why humans excel at things and animals don't. BUT the only thing a human cannot know is how to die. That's why when you dream about scary things, you always wake up that last second before you die, because you're brain doesn't know how to die. I was talkin' to Heka the other day and he said he had a dream about dying, but he could actually feel his consciousness leaving. If he were to actually die in his dream, I think he might have died.

*long silence*

Me: I think I have such a problem with death because of the idea of eternity. As a human with limited intelligence, eternity boggles my mind. To me, everything must end. Everything must go from order to disorder. The idea that something can last to infinity is impossible in my mortal brain.

Lou: Here's a little story about heaven and hell. One day this guy dies and an archangel decides to take him to heaven and hell. First they visit hell and all it is this large table with billions of people sitting on both sides (everyone that's gone to hell). There arms are chained so that they can't reach their own mouths but they can reach almost everywhere else. On the table is a huge amount of food and they are all trying to eat, but they can't reach their own mouths. Then, the archangel takes the guy to heaven and it's the exact same thing EXCEPT, instead of trying to feed themselves everyone is trying to feed each other.

Me: *non-sarcastically* Interesting.

Lou: I think that may be what heaven is...everyone just helpin' each other out; doing the right thing.

Me: Do we lose our free will in heaven?

Lou: Don't look too much into it, Newman; it was just a story...

  Some Pithy Conjecture:

9/11 Commission Shocking Discovery…

Could 9/11 have been prevented? Is the Bush administration to blame for failing to stop the attacks? What about Clinton’s administration? The 9/11 commission, made up of former lawmakers, is trying desperately to answer these questions. The whole panel could save a lot of time by asking me. I know for a fact who’s to blame for 9/11: the Bin Laden administration. Shock and awe! Could 9/11 have been prevented? Yes. Clinton had a few chances to nab Bin Laden. During a business luncheon Clinton said, “"At the time, 1996, [Bin Laden] had committed no crime against America so I did not bring him here because we had no basis on which to hold him, though we knew he wanted to commit crimes against America.” Does this mean we should blame Clinton for 9/11? Absolutely not. There would be no logical basis for such blame. If a burglar breaks into your house and steals your dog are you to blame for not having better security? No, the criminal is to blame for breaking the law. Common sense at it’s finest.

WMD Worries

Recently, I visited my former high school to pick up my yearbook, and one of the more liberal teachers, with whom I debated the Iraq war at length, caught up with me. With an enormous grin on his face he said, “See, I told you so. No weapons of mass destruction.” I shook my head and with a sigh admitted “defeat.” Sure, we have yet to find WMDs, and I guess that was our top goal in Iraq. Since we haven’t found the weapons no one, not even the almighty U.N., disputed he possessed, I guess the rest of our mission was a failure as well. Liberation of an oppressed people: failure. Removing a ruthless dictator whose sons got their jollies via rape and torture: failure. Sending a message to other rouge countries, like Libya, about the consequences of not disarming: another failure if we don’t find those WMDs. I’m willing to admit defeat regarding the WMDs, and the entire war for that matter, if anyone opposing the war will answer yes to this question: If you could turn back the clock and stop the invasion—put Saddam back in power, rebuild the torture rooms, allow terrorists haven in Iraq, organize the secret police, etc.—would you? Before you answer, ask Guzin Najim, whose husband was killed by the elite guard, her opinion. I’m sure she’d be glad to share.

Dick Clarke’s American Blandstand

Dick Clarke, not of New Years Eve fame, is quite upset with the Bush administration. Clarke was the Special Adviser for Cyberspace Security within the National Security Council. He resigned after Bush chose Tom Ridge to head the new Department of Homeland Security instead of him. Now, seemingly upset about not getting the job, Clarke has decided to sling mud at the Bush administration. I think Ann Coulter sums up the situation best, “Are you sitting down? Another ex-government official who was fired or demoted by Bush has written a book that ... is critical of Bush!…As long as we're investigating everything, how about investigating why some loser no one has ever heard of is getting so much press coverage for yet another "tell-all" book attacking the Bush administration?” Read the rest of the article here.

Fort Knox Now Storing Gasoline

With the price of gasoline rising steadily and the war in Iraq still raging, I have to wonder, “Wasn’t this a war for oil?” I halfway expected to be paying ten cents a gallon by now! Either this war was about something other than oil (who knows what) or the American consumers are being seriously ripped off. Or both?

  Hey! Remember Me? No, I didn't think so.

Hey, I think I'm gonna try this blogging thing again. I may fail, but alas, at least I gave it a mediocre effort.

  Needless to Say...

...I haven't been updating often (understatment). Umm...I don't know if I want to stop blogging, take a little break, or contiune on updating whenever the hell I feel like it. I'll just have to see where this current road takes me. In the mean time, visit my favorite blog: The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler Society

  8,890: The Canadians Suck Again

Chile has proven once again that Canadia is second rate at best. Eight thousand eight hundred ninty people joined together (by the mouth) last Sunday to break the World Record of: Most people kissing at the same time, thus breaking the previous recording set by the inferior Canadia.

Also in the news: Skeletor Jean Kerrie won the New Hampshire primary and hearts of French looking war veterens everywhere. Good job Keith Richards Jean!

  I'm a Terrible Person

I'm really no good at this "update at least once a day" bit. I'll try harder, but no promises. If I weren't so damn lazy...

  The DemocRAT RACE

With a surprising win in Iowa, presidential hopefully Jean Kerrie has taken a "three point lead over Howard Dean in New Hampshire." As impressive as that may be, the more interesting story is that of John Edwards. Once barely visible in the Zogby polls, Edwards forged on and finished "a surprising" second in Iowa, giving his campaign a needed ego boost.

What does this mean for DemocRATS? Nothing. What does this mean for Republicans? Annoyance Heartbreak.

All of our (us Republicans) hard work to get Dean the nomination will be for naught if we don't do something...and quick! It is in the DemocRATS worst best interest to have a nutjob strong candidate such as Flipper McGee Howard Dean running against the incumbent George W. Bush. And as Republicans, we must do anything humanly possible to help the DemocRATS pick their "best" candidate. That way the landslide victory for Bush election will be as exciting and "fair" as possible.

"But Newman," you screech, "Howard Dean seems to be farther left than Marx and have the temper of a pregnant hippo!" *Sigh* Silly, silly, little Billy. Just because Dean's policies seem "slightly to the left" (third paragraph after the quote) doesn't mean Darn Poopy! Remember, George Bush is a Nazi (Again). ANY candidate seems left next to him! So what if Dean has a little temper. Can't people blow their corks twenty or thirty times! Jeez! Should you really judge a candidate by his policies or his temper!? I didn't think so.

Do the right thing for Republicans everyone. Vote for Howard Dean in the New Hampshire primary. If you're not able, tell your friends to vote. JUST GET HIM ELECTED AS THE DEMOCRATIC NOMINEE.

If George W's gonna win anyway, why not win by a landslide (AT LEAST) make the election interesting.

  Playing Ketchup

A lot has happened since my last serious (ha) post on January 4th. My college choir went on a week-long tour of Illinois and Indiana (Exciting).

Jean Kerrie won in Iowa. John Edwards took second place (suprising everyone, including John Edwards). Howy Dean, after suffering an upsetting defeat in Iowa, maturely accepted the defeat by stating, "Yeeeeearrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhh!"

There was some other stuff that happened too. Like, anything reported on Drudge.

Sorry, I have to go to class now.

  Newmanisms is BACK!

And better than ever...

well...

...that's debateable, but nevertheless: I'm gonna start blogging again. I know everyone reading, all five of you, was waiting with baited breath for my return to the blogsphere. I have returned. I. Will. Blog.

A NEW YEAR - A NEW LOOK!

  Apologies to Aaron the Liberal Slayer

Sorry!

I screwed up the html for Blog of the Moment this week and as a result I don't think the link worked. But! The problem has been fixed, but I jipped Aaron out of PRECIOUS HOURS OF LINKAGE! He probably missed out on AT LEAST two more visitors due to my technical ineptitude. Thus, Aaron's Rantblog, because of wonderful commentary and fantastic website design, shall STAY as Blog of the Moment till further notice.

Newmanisms thanks you for your patience.

  Newspaper Headline Predictions for 2004

World Shocked: Howard Dean Actually Killer Robot from Planet Tarcomed: Wins Dem Pres Nomination by Landslide

Jury Finds Michael Jackson Guilty of Being Freakish: Life in Prison

Air Found to Cause Cancer

Bin Laden Captured in California: Filed Papers to Run for Governor

Bush Re-elected After Landslide Victory Over Evil Robot Dean: Plans to Go to Disney World

Saddam Admits to Having WMDs: Troops Confirm After Discovering Stockpiles of Bowling for Columbine Movies

Newspaper Headline Predictions for 2035 (From the Lone Tree Leader: Onarga, Illinois)

Ozone Created by Electric/Hydrogen Cars Now Killing Millions in the Seventh Largest Country in the World, California

White Minorities Still Trying to Have English Recognized as California's Third Language

Spotted Owl Plauge Threatens Northwestern US Crops & Livestock

Baby Conceived Naturally: Scientists Stumped

Castro Dies at Age 112: Cuban Cigars Now Legally Imported: President Chelsea Clinton Bans All Smoking

George Z. Bush Annoucnes He Will Run for President in 2036

Postal Service Raises Price of First Class Stamp to $17.89: Reduces Mail Delivery to Wednesdays Only

Thirty-five Year Study: Diet and Excercise - Keys to Weight Loss

Massachusetts Executes Last Remaining Conservative

Supreme Court Rules Punishment of Criminals Violates Their Civil Rights

Average Height of NBA Players Now Nine Feet, Seven Inches

Federal Law Requires All Nail Clippers, Screw Drivers, Fly Swatters, and Rolled Up Newspapers Be Registered by January 2036

Congress Authorizes Direct Deposit of Illegal Political Contributions to Campaign Accounts

Capital Hill Intern Indicted for Refusing to Have Sex with Congressman

IRS Sets Record Low Tax Rate at 75.5%

Florida Democrats Still Baffled by Concept of Voting

.....

Ah...what a wonderful future we have in store...

  First Weblog Showcase Vote of the New Year

Exciting.

Political: Self-composed

Non-Political: Juggernaut of Love

  New(?) Weblog Showcase Vote Again...Kinda...

Votes:

Political - Dan K. O'Leary (Awesome) Pragmatic Conservatism

Non-Political - Belief Seeking Understanding

  Joy to the World

From everyone here at Newmanisms (me), have a MERRY CHRISTMAS and a HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I know each and every one of you has a concerned look on your face at this exact moment...DON'T WORRY! I'm not going to stop posting JUST because of the Holidays!

...

At least pretend to be concerned, ok?

  A NEW Glass Ceiling

Men, beware.

I've been writing a lot lately about "being a man" and the rise of metrosexuality, but this article caught my attention:

"CHICAGO, Dec. 22 (UPI) -- For the first time since tracking began 20 years ago, U.S. women outnumber men in higher paying, white collar managerial and professional occupations."

At first these ominous words may seem, well, not so ominous, but believe me, THEY'RE OMINOUS! They are so ominous, I am compelled to write an ominously ominous post about the ominousness of this ominous news!

"What's wrong with women in power?" asks our resident Feminazi, Butch Betty.

Well, I'll tell you Butch. What really worries me are these paragraphs about the rise of women:

"The gap will continue because of a self-perpetuating cycle of workplace gains for women, according to international outplacment firm Chicago-based Challenger, Gray & Christmas.

'As a growing number [of women] move into upper management roles, those [women] further down the ladder will reap the benefits by increasingly being targeted for advancement,' said John A. Challenger, chief executive officer of Challenger, Gray & Christmas."

As you can see my cunning use of brackets reveals the TRUE plot of women, or should I say FEMINAZIS, in "upper management roles." Their plan: First, cry sexism. Complain that women are oppressed, don't make as much, and are seldom targeted for promotions. Once the courts agree, and Fems have infiltrated these high level positions, REFUSE to promote males and bring as many other Fems to these high level positions as possible. Then...TAKE OVER THE WORLD!

Isn't this plot blatantly obvious!? What has been happening to our society the past few years? Did you read my Trading Spaces article!?!? The male population of the U.S., and most of the world, is being turned into METROS, unable to promote masculine ideals. Most masculine icons and pastimes have been METROED, SISSYFIED, GIRLYED.

Football: The game is consumed by so many rules you are fined for calling someone a bad name. Next step, equal division of the points.

TV: Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, Trading Spaces, What NOT to Wear, Boy Meets Boy...Need I say more?

Hollywood: Where are the Gregory Pecks, the John Waynes, the Charles Bronsons!? Who do men have to look up to today? Ben Affleck (he may have a hot girlfriend, but they wear the same shade of lipstick)!?

Any half-wit can see the correlation between the rise of women in high level jobs and the rise of metrosexuality. An epidemic? Depends on who you talk to.

Is the MALE being neutered...?

Developing...

  Real Men

This is a little late, but here is Maddox's Tribute to Real Men.

Yet, another REAL MAN.

  Like a Rock Marshmellow(?)

Dave Barry, demi-God of humor, has a FAB article on questioning one's manhood.

Oh, and a Holiday Gift Guide.

Dave Barry for President.

  Confessions of a Straight Man

I sit before my computer, crying softly, questioning my manhood. On the TV...*sigh*...I can't say it...but I must. On the TV...Trading Spaces.

*sniffle*

I can't help myself. As I apathetically channel surf, my mind subconsciously tells my fingers to click those special numbers on my black, sleak, manly remote: Two. Eight. Zero. Channel: T L C

My mind tells me, "Don't worry. TLC is a subsidiary of the Discovery channel. They'll have some manly show on like 'The Secrets of Super Spies,' 'How to be a Pirate,' or 'Cars, Trucks, and Big Busted Women.'"

Content with my mind's reasoning, I allow my fingers to click click click their way to TLC.

"What's this?" asks my brain. "A forty-eight hour Trading Spaces marathon?! I had no idea THIS would be on...we better change the channel..."

"Wait!" I reply, "Maybe they'll use some manly power tools...(?)."

"Oh...ok..." my brain answers with that maniacl smirk...you know the smirk.

I sit and watch for hours upon hours, amazed, dazzled, stunned by the use of color and the total transformation each room endures.

"Bravo Doug, fabulous use of fabric! Astounding artwork, Kia! And Paige...oh my sweet, darling, exquisite Paige...how skillfully you control their $1000 budget...how masterfully you aid each team in their quest for design utopia. You, Paige, are truly the diva of design, the Queen of color...you are the Matriarch of mediation!" Alas, my vocalized praise is for naught. I quickly I forget; they cannot hear me...

*sniffle*

I admit: I am addicted to Trading Spaces. I am addicted to their witty fashion designer jokes, the creative design schemes, and the fantastic custom-made furniture. How can one NOT be enthralled!? GIVE ME MORE OF THAT TWO DAY DESIGN ORGY!!!

...


Am I alone? Am I the only straight guy who enjoys a nice pastel with amazing accent colors? Surely not! Straight male fans of Trading Spaces...UNITE! Get in touch with your feminine side! It's ok to cry, to do your nails, to spend sixteen hours doing your hair, to dress in gay fashion of the 90s! Together, we shall create a super society of men who think they're women!

We must show the world the wonders of metrosexuality!!!

...

Wait...

Screw that. Where's my flannel shirt...

  Showcaseizzle Voteizzle (or something...I'm not "hip")

This week I am obligated to vote for one Dan K. O'Leary and for damn good reasons. 1) His name is Dan and my name is Dan. 2) He has a blog and I have a blog. 3)He's a conservative and I'M a conservative. 4) He's in college and I'M in college. 5) His blog looks hella sweet and MY blog looks...hella.......shut up. Mr. O'Leary also earns the SUPER HIGHLY coveted "Blog of the Moment."

Also, Belief Seeking Understanding...just because.

  Material Candidate

Stop what you're doing. Madonna speaks.

Madonna, like many other self-obsessed dumb-as-a-box-of-filth idiots celebrities, has a political opinion she believes actually matters. Actually, I'm fine with this. Everyone has an opinion, and they should be allowed to express it. My beef is with the Communist news media and its belief that people actually CARE about what Madonna and any other celebrities have to say:

Communist News Guy: Holy Marxist Utopia Wolf! In every poll known to man, Bush beats ANY Democrat. In fact, the guy closest to beating Bush is some new candidate named "Unnamed Democrat." What are we to do!? *sob*

Wolf Blitzer (what a Communist name): We must convince Democrats to vote Democrat. We must find a celebrity Democrat voters look to for moral guidance, fashion advice, and recipes.

Commie Guy: Who?! Hussein has been captured and Joseph Stalin is dead…

*ring of a telephone*

Commie Guy: Hello? Madonna! Oh my gawd! We haven’t talked in forever! How’s yer baby…

Wolf: *lightbulb* Give me the phone! Madonna, this is Wolf Blizter, I wanted to ask…what?...OF COURSE ITS MY REAL NAME! Which Communist…I mean Democrat (I have to stop saying that) do you support for president? Uh huh….mmhmmm….WHAT? What do you mean you’re turning over a new leaf and want to vote for Bush!? Have you been watching CNN for your daily brainwashing!? I thought not. I’m putting you on hold.

Commie Guy: Why did you put her on hold?

Wolf: Listen…*holds the receiver to Commie’s ear*

Man on Phone: You don’t want to vote Republican. Republicans are Nazis. They hate bunnies, old people, and Noam Chomsky. You don’t hate Noam Chomsky…do you?

Commie Guy: mmmmmm…communism……….

Wolf: *takes Madonna off hold* So, who’ll it be?

Madonna: mmmmmmm…sweet succulant commun…

Wolf: Yes! I know! What Democrat will you vote for!

Madonna: *choking on her saliva* w…ek;ljasssssss …..kkkkk…..ccc..klll….

Wolf: Hmmm…..sounds like Wesley Clark to me…TO THE LENIN MOBILE! The world MUST KNOW!!!

  Go Unscrew Yourself*

Apparently, two “panels on the slaughter of babies” “expert advisory panels”—whatever the hell that means—are pushing pills. Death pills, actually. These pills, known as Plan B(ullPoo), abort “prevent” unintended pregnancies.

Actually, I’m all for these new pills. If you read the post previous to this, I’m very much in favor of EXPANDING the right to choose to useless idiots (known in my post by the term FEITUS—Freeloading Entity Inconveniently Taking Up Space). In fact, I can think of some REALLY useless people to abort first. The words “expert advisory panels” come to mind… I wonder why?

I know Libs are in favor of this Plan BullPoo and that means I’m suppose to be against it, but look, who are the FEITUSes of which I speak? Which party’s members are freeloading entities inconveniently taking up space? Welfare…hippies…environmentalists…protesters…

Do I make myself clear? Anti-Choice means Pro-Communist…

:-)

-----

*Sadly, the title is not mine. I must give credit to Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn.

  My Humble Proposal

FOR SWIFTLY RESOLVING THE PROBLEM OF FREELOADING CHILDREN BECOMING A BURDEN TO THEIR HARDWORKING, SELF-SUFFICENT PARENTS WHILE EXPANDING PERSONAL FREEDOMS

INTRODUCTION

In America, and a majority of other nations, there are citizens whose sole purpose is epitomized by the word “freeloader”—one who is able to self sustain, but instead “mooches” off others without reciprocating, much like a parasite feasts upon its host. These freeloaders weaken society and diminish the personal freedoms and liberties of the “hosts” to which they attach. Whether the hosts of these freeloaders are parents, relatives, friends, or the government, without a doubt these parasites are an inconvenience if not a significant burden. To truly describe the parasites of which I speak, I devised a term which I shall use from this point on: FEITUS, meaning Freeloading Entity Inconveniently Taking Up Space. My term does not apply to those temporarily “down on their luck.” A man who loses his job and lives with his aunt for a short period of does not embody the term FEITUS. A forty year old professional couch potato “mooching” off his elderly mother does. These FEITUSes, while not the most pressing problem facing humanity, are an inconvenience easily removed.

My proposal concerning the solution to the problem of FEITUSes is common sense at its finest. After reading my solution, reasoning, and plan of action, the American government will have no choice but to enact my proposal.

Before I make my proposal, I must clarify to whom my proposal applies. The solution I will present applies only to the parents of a FEITUS. While constructing my proposal, I decided to limit the solution to parents for a few simple reasons. 1) The debate of the government’s role in caring for its citizens is long standing and long winded. I do not wish to justify or condemn the government’s care for a FEITUS for I have neither enough time nor enough ink. 2) While a friend or relative can choose to take care of a FEITUS, a parent may find denying care more difficult. Many times parents believe they have an obligation to help their child at any time under any circumstances. Now that my restrictions are clarified, I can continue with my proposal.

PROPOSAL

I have been assured by a dear friend of my family that her life would be emotionally and economically sound if, given the chance, she could have aborted her son, a product of faulty birth control, who is the embodiment of the term FEITUS. With the health—emotional and economical—of my dear friend and every other parent of a FEITUS in mind, I propose expanding a woman’s right to an abortion in two ways: removing any restriction on the age at which the abortion is performed i.e. allowing first, second, and third trimester and after birth abortions, and expanding the abortion right to a both parents after the child is born.

REASONING

While abortion-on-demand is still a controversial topic in the United States, one must be a realistic. A woman’s right to an abortion was legally established in 1973 in Roe v. Wade when Roe, a resident of Texas, wanted an abortion. At that time Texas only allowed abortions to save the mother’s life. The Supreme Court of the United States decided in a seven to two vote that a woman’s right to an abortion was constitutionally supported by the right to privacy ruling of Griswold v. Connecticut in 1965 (The Supreme Court Case). One may disagree with this ruling and attempt to change it, but one must acknowledge the ruling as law until the ruling is changed.

My proposal seems to lack compassion, but I assure you, I propose nothing more than to expand an individual liberty already established by our courts. I have compassion for the parents of a FEITUS just as the Supreme Court has compassion for pregnant mothers. In their ruling on Roe v. Wade the opinion of the court states:

The detriment that the State would impose upon the pregnant woman by denying [abortions] altogether is apparent. Specific and direct harm medically diagnosable even in early pregnancy may be involved. Maternity, or additional offspring, may force upon the woman a distressful life and future. [emphasis mine] Psychological harm may be imminent. Mental and physical health may be taxed by child care. (Roe v. Wade)

The Supreme Court clearly takes the future of the mother into account as I have in my proposal. While Roe v. Wade justifies my concern for the future well being of a FEITUS’s host, there are ethical questions left unanswered.

Even those strongly in favor of abortion might find disgust in the idea of killing an innocent human being after their birth, especially years after birth. My only response to this disgust is to ask, “What’s the difference?” Current U.S. law allows abortions through nine months. Is a fetus carried nine months (just before birth) any different from a baby only hours old (just after birth)? If there is no difference, can a new born baby be aborted? A ten month old? Eleven? Where is the line drawn? Abortions at one week, nine months, or twenty-seven years are essentially the same and must be treated equally under our law.

To fully understand why abortion-on-demand is essential at any age, one must look at the arguments abortion advocates use to further their cause and determine why people want abortions. Of course, there are medical reasons why abortions are performed, but I am not searching for the justification of necessary abortions, but the reasons for elective abortions.

Abortion proponents argue that the government does not have the right to determine what a woman does with her body; thus, if a woman wants an abortion, she can have one. I understand the premise of this argument, but at the same time, I am perplexed. Obviously, the issue cannot be simply what a woman does with her body. Americans allow restrictions on their bodies every day. One cannot do drugs, sell one’s organs, run around naked, sell one’s body for sex (in most places), or intentionally put one’s self in harm’s way i.e. seatbelt laws, speed limits, etc. The reason so many women want abortions-on-demand cannot simply be for “abortion’s sake” as the “my body” argument would have one believe. The idea of abortion as intrinsically valuable seems a bit far-fetched to me.

Amidst my research, I found the reason so many people want abortion—the same reason the Supreme Court uses—right under my nose. I simply asked my friend Google® why women have abortions, and the answer “magically” formulated before my eyes. According to a study by Akinrinola Bankole, Susheela Singh and Taylor Haas, 91.8% of abortions in the U.S. (between 1987-88) were performed due to some inconvenience to the mother’s life (i.e. would disrupt job, cannot afford a child, wish to postpone childbearing, relationship problems, etc.), while only 8.9% of abortions were performed due to danger to the mother’s life, danger to the fetus’s life, or other reasons (Bankole “Reasons”). The vast majority of women receive abortions simply because they do not want the inconvenience of a child. If such a large number of women receive abortions due to inconvenience, this must be the real reason abortion proponents’ fight so desperately for the right to choose. I now ask, “Why not extend the right to an abortion beyond birth? Is a FEITUS lying dormant in its mother’s living room any less of an inconvenience than a fetus lying dormant in its mother’s womb?”

I shall now briefly turn to the second part of my proposal which would allow both parents the right to an abortion. This part of my proposal seems rather necessary once the true reason for abortion has been established. Obviously, a FEITUS is as much of an inconvenience to the father as to the mother. If the mother of a FEITUS passes away, for example, the care of the FEITUS rests solely with the father. I contend that if the FEITUS is an inconvenience, the father has every right to an abortion. Moving on…

PLAN OF ACTION

The United States Congress must pass a bill extending abortion-on-demand beyond birth and allow a father the right to an abortion. Once the bill is signed into law, a new era of personal choice will dawn. Either parent, when faced with emotional, physical, or economic hardship due to a FEITUS, can simply call a licensed physician and request an abortion. The physician must carefully evaluate the parents and the FEITUS, determine if the abortion is safe, and use ONLY United States approved abortion methods. To deter from the approved methods may result in cruel or unusual punishment for the FEITUS. The following procedures are approved methods of abortion in the United States:

(TIP: Before a licensed physician performs an abortion in your household, please be sure to lay down plenty of plastic. Some of these procedures can become fairly messy.)

Digoxin Induction: Once the FEITUS is asleep, the certified physician uses a large needle to inject a lethal chemical into the FEITUS’s heart. To save money, I suggest using any household chemicals such as bleach, ammonia, or paint thinner.

Saline Abortion: This method closely mimics the previous method, and differs only in chemicals used. The doctor uses a needle to inject a saline solution into the FEITUS’s lungs causing severe burning and irreparable damage to the organs.

Abortion by Neglect: The FEITUS is simply cut off from food or water and allowed to starve to death. I would suggest allowing the doctor to sedate the FEITUS first making this process much easier.

D & X Method: In order for this method to be used, the FEITUS must be heavily sedated. Once the FEITUS is sedated, the physician uses scissors to open a hole in the back of the FEITUS’s skull. A vacuum, preferably a Wet/Dry ShopVac®, is used to remove the FEITUS’s brains (How Abortions are Done). If you do not own a ShopVac®, any Hoover® or Oreck® will do.

Thus far I have used the term FEITUS only to describe individuals living at home as a burden to their parents with the potential to get up off the couch or out of bed and go to work. I see no reason why the term and, thus, my proposal cannot be extended to include those without the potential to be functioning members of society. Those living in a vegetative state, dying of an incurable disease, and the mentally handicapped fit all the criteria to be termed FEITUSes. In the same way a mother or father may abort their couch potato son or daughter, parents should be allowed to abort any other vegetables they have living at home or burdening them elsewhere. Think of the burden lifted from the parents of handicapped son or daughter if the FEITUS is aborted: no more expensive medicine, no more giving up free time to care for a child who will only burden others for the rest of their life, and no more stares from strangers as the parents take the FEITUS in public view.

CONCLUSION

I assure you, with utmost sincerity, if this proposal is enacted I have nothing personal to gain. Currently, I am childless and hope to stay this way for quite some time. In composing this modest proposal, I wish only for the betterment of society, for the greatest happiness for the greatest number of people. I submit my proposal for judgment by man and God, and I know both will make the right choice, the only choice in their judgment of my work.

  All-Important Vote of Nevering Ending Never Endingnes

Anti Anti War DOT com

Mozheteet

  Dies Irae II

Wimps...

Finals aren't as bad as everyone hypes them up to be!

Be men: go outside naked, cut out a lung (you only need one), eat children...just stop bitching about finals.

Thank you.

  Dies Irae

Finals Week.


Yayy.



I'll try to post something important...



...riiiiiiiight.

  Sound Off: Judges Like to Play Legislator

Conservative Goddess Ann Coulter makes some wonderful points in her latest article Supreme Court Opinions Not Private Enough. Coulter uses this week's column to attack judges who legislate from the bench i.e. Roe v. Wade, the ten commandments removal in Alabama, the approval of sodomy, etc.

"Everyone knew the decision in Roe v. Wade was a joke. The decision hinged on the convenient notion of "privacy," which, oddly enough, still fails to protect my right to manufacture methamphetamine, saw off shotgun barrels or euthanize the elderly, privately or otherwise. Even Harvard Law professor Alan Dershowitz has said the decision was wrong." - Ann Coulter

What Coulter describes is an epidemic I believe will lead to another civil war. The American people will eventually be sick of being ruled by pompous idiots in black robes. If we wanted an oligarchy our founding fathers would have written it into the constitution. But alas, our judges pay no attention to the constitution anyway. Why abide by the law when you can judge it and write it (and in some cases execute it)?

If given sufficient power, one would be a fool to abide by morality. -- Glaucon's theory, from The Ring of Gyges

Apparently, our judges would concur.

Bastards.

  All Important Vote of Dooooooom

Non-Political: Blown Fuse

Political: Dangerous Liberty

  The Most Magical Place on Earth? Maybe. Next to the Playboy Mansion...

Disney tanks. Hard. (Thanks Drudge.)

More commentary later...

I'll let you educate yourselves on the issue before my ever so amazing commentary warps your fragile mind.

UPDATE:

Shiite Muslims at Disney...HAHAHAHAHA...

Ok, I considered commenting, but is anyone really suprised that a company with a rat for an icon is going headfirst into the dumpster?

  Wow...a post...

To state the obvious: It's been a frickin' long time since I last posted!

No excuses - I'm just lazy.

I sincerely apologize to my readership, both of you. I'll try to update AT LEAST two times a week from now on, but no promises. This week is Purgatory and next week is Hell. Mmmm...Finals.

I've also been neglecting my Alliance duties: My bad; don't hate me.

If you haven't noticed, every human emotion can be summarized by an Acid Zen Wonder Paint. Praise be to Stephen. And his stuff.

  The Matrix: Repulsion

A public service announcement from Newmanisms:

The first Matrix sucked. Plain and simple. The second Matrix sucked on a level only obtained by one other movie: Dude, Where's My Car? Having said this, one would think I'd never step foot in the third movie. But alas, even I fall victim to advertising. "But the movie trailers looked so good and destructive!" I told myself. And to be honest, the movie had it's semi-not-so-boring-that-I-could-actually-watch-without-wanting-to-inflict-pain-on-myself-or-others moments. But you see, movies cannot depend on special FX alone. (Do the words Attack of the Clones ring a bell?)

Thus, as a service to all of humanity, Newmanisms would like the following label put on all Matrix posters:

"Warning: This movie has not been approved by Newmanisms and, thus, watching it will bring you immense pain and suffering. Newman knows what's best for you. This movie may cause severe bleeding of the rectum as it is akin to being sodimized by an elephant using a sandpaper condom. If you are seeing this movie with your children, don't. Parents have been known to devour their young after witnessing this monstrosity as if to say, "YOU FILTHY BASTARD CHILD! YOU DRAGGED ME TO THIS! I SHALL EAT YOUR SOUL..." Finally, after watching this movie, you may have an urge rip your eyes out with your ticket stub and proceed to pour salt in the newly formed orifices to relieve the pain of having seen the visual equivalent of a chainsaw to the testicles."

As the second part of this public service announcement, I would like to offer alternative activities you and your family can "enjoy" and receive the same sensations as if you saw the Matrix: Revolution.

1. Take turns shocking each other with a tazer. Make sure it's on high and is only used on your bare skin...while you're standing in water...and piranas are eating you feet...

2. Pour bleach into your eyes. After the burning subsides, have everyone else kick you in the head until you lose consciousness.

3. Play a game of duck, duck, goose......WHILE EATING GLASS!

4. Finally, have everyone pretend their in the Matrix and attempt to force their arm into the person next to them then jump off a skyscraper.

Please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please do not see this movie if you value life and/or sanity.

In fact, stand outside the theatre and charge people $7.00 (or more) to have their head put in a blender. Tell them they've just experienced the Matrix: Revolution...

  The Court of Newman

***WARNING: JUDGE NEWMAN IS HIGHLY OPINIONATED IN HIS OLD AGE. HIS COMMENTS MAY NOT BE APPROPRIATE FOR CHILDREN OR THOSE WITH THE MENTALITIES OF CHILDREN I.E. DEMOCRATS, FRENCH PEOPLE, CANADIANS, CELEBRITIES, OR MICHAEL MOORE. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.***

All rise. Court is now in session, the honorable Judge Daniel T. Newman presiding.

Judge Newman: Be seated.

Random Courtroom Guy: There are two cases to be heard today, your honor: Catherine Zeta-Jones v. Atkins and Rosie O'Donnell v. the rest of humanity.

Newman: Alright. Let's make this quick. The more time I sit here listening to celebrities rant mindlessly is less time I have for not sitting here listening to celebrities rant mindlessly. We'll have a look at the Jones case first.

Catherine Zeta-Jones: Your honor, there are people claiming I lost weight with the Atkins diet. I want to sue anyone who says these mean awful things. These people are wrong and I think I'm important blah blah blah I'm a dumb wench blah blah blah eat cheesecake.

Newman: Ms. Jones, I think you're right. How could anyone think you lost weight by using the Atkins diet. It's pretty obvious to me you lost weight with all the wild sex you get from your young, vivacious husband... HA! Who am I kidding? Your Cro-magnum husband doesn't have enough libido to keep a rock hard.

In conclusion, Ms. Jones, who the hell cares what people say about your diet? Whether you endorse a product or not doesn' t mean people can't speculate about your weight loss.

I find you guilty of gross stupidity, and I sentence you to never again speak without wearing this collar. Every time you speak, it sprays your face with a fine mixture of pepper spray and sulfuric acid. Case closed. NEXT!

Random Courtroom Guy: Rosie O'Donnell v. the rest of humanity

Rosie O'Donnell: Yer Oner, I have a bone to pick with you...

Newman: When I want shit out of you, Ms. O'Donnell, I'll have the guards hit you with a night stick and rip it from your unconscious body.

Rosie: ...

Newman: That's what I thought. Now, Ms. O'Donnell, you're claiming that you left Rosie magazine because you were not involved with editorial meetings and such, and the magazine is suing your for breach of contract. I don't understand. You lost already. Why did you bring this arrogant lawsuit into MY court...?

Rosie: That's correct yer oner, no one won in first case, but I think dat...

Newman: Ms. O'Donnell please remember we are not here to listen to what you think, but to belittle you in hopes of destroying your self esteem to a point where you will never show your face on television, in a movie, or in public ever again.

Now, in this case, I find you and your magazine guilty. You, Ms. O'Donnell, are guilty of what I like to call ITIIBIRNAISBFFTMLHAVECTSAM Syndrome or, as it's more commonly called, "I Think I'm Important But I'm Really Not And I Should Be Flogged For Thinking My Life Has Any Value Even Compared To Say A Maggot" Syndrome. Many celebrities suffer from this and the only cure is a severe beating by ninjas which you will now endure.

*The Ninjas drag away Rosie*

Newman: As for the magazine company, I find them guilty of ignorance for thinking they should make a magazine about a pompous idiot like Rosie O'Donnell. They executives shall be fined $9,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,032.83 or have their faces removed with a cotton swab. Their choice. Cases closed.

I'm going to eat a steak.

  Links of the Moment

Misha always has wonderful posts about abortion.

Simon World has an interesting post "On Blogging."

And here we have an opinionated friend of mine...Andrew. You've all met Andrew, right?

Julie Neidlinger has an interesting view on hunting.

  Score One for the Media

President Bush's disapproval rating on the War in Iraq has exceeded 50 percent.

"Nov. 7 (Bloomberg) -- For the first time since the war that toppled Saddam Hussein, a majority of Americans disapproves of how U.S. President George W. Bush is handling the situation in Iraq, a CNN/USA Today/Gallup poll published today shows."

The New York Treason is probably having a party about now. They have finally run enough articles with the words "quagmire" and "no plan" that the public now believes the War in Iraq has turned into Vietnam II (Lost by a Democrat I may add.)

Now they just have to use the words "Bush," "right-wing christian," "racist," "homophobe," and "dumb" enough so the Democrats will easily "steal" the election next year.

Is there any glimmer of hope for the truth?

Yes.

Let it be known.

  New Blogger Showcase Vote

Political: "No Offense" at Semi-Intelligent Thoughts

Non-Political: "Who Da Pope?" at Rocket Penguin

  "The Reagans" Cancelled After Pressure from Newmanisms

And, of course, Barbara Streisand is crying.

See B.S. decided to cut the shabby piece of trash after realizing it was...oh yeah...BIASED.

Ms. Streisand is sad the completely flawed and misleading "drama" about the Reagans is being cancelled. "It's a sad day for artistic freedom," she whines. Artistic freedom to creates LIES about someone who is still alive but cannot defend himself? That's not artistic freedom, Ms. Streisand, that's .... BUM BUM BUMMM ... hate speech.

But alas, I almost want CBS to run the "drama" so the GOP can sponsor a "drama" about Streisand. I have it all planned out:

Streisand will be played by this person and Streisand's nose will be played by Michael Moore. Streisand's husband, James Brolin, will be played by a retarded monkey.

I have part of the script right here:

Barbara Streisand: Hey, look at me. I'm important because people think I sing good and my nose has the girth of small solar system.

Barbara's Nose: Hey! Woman! I am not fat! I am slightly rotund.

Barbara: No, that was not my nose talking. That was simply...swamp gas.

Nose: I'll show you some gas...

Barbara: I shall now sing good.

Nose: God help us all. My flatulence has better tone quality.

Barbara: "Mem'ries light the corners of my mind. Misty water-colored mem'ries of the way we..."

Nose: Dammit women! I need pie!

Director: Jeezus not again... Not now Mr. Moore. We're trying to film a movie here like I told you last time you wanted pie.

Nose: Blow me.

James Brolin: EEEEEEEEEEEE *flings poo at Moore*

Nose: .....not pie, but will do...

God: *Smite*

Barbara and Crew: Alas, we have been smitten. *All Die*

Audience: *Three hour standing ovation*

  See B.S. to Present Miniseries "The Reagans"

Who better to present an accurate picture of one of the greatest presidents in history (that just happened to be Republican) than CBS? Their Slogan: From Marx to Clinton: We Cover the Entire Political Spectrum.

The Republican National Convention (RNC) is asking to review the miniseries with some historians and friends of Reagan. The RNC is afraid that Reagan may not have uttered such phrases as "They that live in sin shall die in sin," (commenting on people with AIDS) or "I am the anti-Christ." Just a few minor blurbs that the author of the fallacy, Elizabeth "Should Work for the New York Times" Egloff, says aren't exactly true but MAY be close to what he said. In other words, she's a feminazi out to destory a man's reputation and he can't even defend himself because he's suffering from a horrible disease. Awfully nice of her (and CBS) isn't it?

...

Joygasm.

I can't wait to see this crap. I'm surprised their not working on a miniseries entitled, "Limbaugh: Evil Satan Worshipping Demon from the Depths of Hell."

...

Don't get any ideas CBS.

It's copyrighted.

Vultures.

  Segregation's Not-So-Cute-Grandchild: Diversity

(Here's another one of my essays for my Critical Writing class. This isn't a very strong essay, so any and all comments [constructive comments] are welcome.)

As a first year music education major I am required to take a class entitled “Introduction to Music Education.” One of our textbooks, Vision 2020, is a compilation of prophetic articles depicting what should be the future of music education. In How Will Societal and Technological Changes Affect the Teaching of Music? author Carlesta Elliot Spearman argues that diversifying music education will ultimately allow minority students the chance to succeed they are currently lacking. Spearman suggests several ways to accomplish diversity in music education: simplify certification requirements, avoid developing new barriers, recruit early, provide support in undergraduate programs, and mentor during the first years of teaching.

While I agree with Ms. Spearman on some of her recruitment methods—i.e. recruiting early, providing support in undergraduate programs, and mentoring during the first years of teaching—I am appalled at the fact that she refers to these ideas only in the context of minorities. I believe support in undergraduate programs, mentoring during the first years of teaching, and recruiting early could apply to everyone. Ms. Spearmen uses these only in referring to minorities. She sees them as ways to diversity the workplace. We have to take a step back and ask, “What is diversity?” and “Why do we strive for diversity?”

Diversity, in its simplest form, means merely to have variation. This variation has become a goal that our society seems to strive for. What are we varying from? Our society sees a great need to vary from whiteness. We wish to see more minorities, qualified or not, placed in traditionally white jobs. Affirmative action ensures minorities jobs and placement in college even ahead of a better qualified non-minority applicants. Even if employers and colleges are opposed to placement based on skin color their objections do not matter. Any who oppose diversity are immediately labeled the dreaded “R” word: racist. To our society, diversity seems to be defined as forced variation based on race and race alone.

Racist restaurant owners of the past would have loved the idea of diversity. They could have justified their “White Only” sections and “Black Only” drinking fountains. In fact, they had their own ideology that is the grandfather of diversity: segregation. Ideologically there is no difference in segregation and our society’s definition of diversity. Advocates of each term would argue they both mean variation of some sort with equality—separate but equal versus varied to be equal. A slight slip of the tongue could send diversity into the land of segregation or vice versa.

Why then do we strive for a goal that seems to be reactionary in nature? Those who support diversity policies would argue that diversity is needed to combat the systemic racism still deeply embedded in our culture. Ultimately, I believe these proponents of diversity are trying to apologize, if you will, for the injustices committed against minorities in the past. It is their fundamental belief that racism can only be ended by diversifying every known institution even if by doing so qualified non-minorities lose a position or two. The most common question uttered from these proponents is, “Why would we not strive for diversity?”

I have a better question, “Why strive for diversity when our society strives for equality?” One requires only smidgeon of common sense to see we will never be rid of racism and discrimination unless race-based ideals are completely eliminated. By continuing to put more emphasis on the pigment of one’s skin rather than his or her intelligence, communication skills, and qualifications, our society is dooming our posterity to a life of constant racial tension.

To fully eliminate discrimination, our society must strive for a colorblind culture. When I mention my idea to a proponent of diversity policies, his or her first reaction is to ask if I also mean to eliminate heritage. The answer is, of course, no. To be colorblind is not to be heritage blind. We can still incorporate different customs from our heritage into our lives without putting a value on our skin pigment. For example, two white men who come from opposite ends of the world may have the same skin color but completely different ancestry. Since their skin color is the same, it is not a factor in their lives. They can celebrate their heritage without being judged by the color of their skin. If all people were to accept the principle of colorblindness, race would be eliminated as a factor for anything. Everyone is equal in a colorblind eye.

To be fair, we must also consider whether or not some customs depend solely on race. Honestly, I cannot think of a single custom that is defined in that way. Caucasians, or any other race for that matter, can adopt the stereotypical African American customs i.e. rap music, baggy pants, and Ebonics. Eminem, the white rapper, is a great example. In contrast, any race can adopt the stereotypical customs of Caucasians i.e. business suits, wine tasting, and snobbishness. Our heritage may define who we are, and what our customs are currently, but heritage is not and should not be affected by eliminating emphasis on race.

Proponents of diversity meant well when conceiving of a way to right the wrongs of our fathers, but their ideas of diversity are no better than the segregationist views of the past. These policies are not only self-contradictory; they are harmful to the achievements of the Civil Rights Movement for which so many people fought their entire lives. We must train ourselves and our children not to judge by the hew of one’s skin but by the “content of their character.” If our society is to strive for equality, we must distance ourselves from diversity policies or come face to face with a racist past we tried so desperately to bury.

  I'm Sorry...SOOO Sorry!

My apology to the Alliance and to my readers, all two of you, for not updating in such a long time. I'm busy at school, but damnit, that's no excuse! I hope to do better in the future.

Well, back to my neglected Alliance duties:

My vote for New Blogger Showcase goes to Professor Bainbridge who is smart.

  IMPORTANT

Please visit this site and learn about Terri Schindler-Schiavo, a victim of our society's willingness to destroy human life.

I'll write more about this later, when I have time to to type about this horrible situation.

  Vote

Same thing every year...

Boom.

Done.

  InstaTaglines

Lately, I've been slacking on my Alliance duties. I did vote in the last blogger showcase, but my vote wasn't counted and I'm to lazy to officially complain about it. So, I thought it was essential I talk about InstaSleeper's tagline.

I've only come up with a few, which are predictable to say the least (then again, it's InstaBoring, he's as predictable as the next presidential electon):

InstaPundit: Puppylicious

InstaPundit: Bringing You Useless Thoughtful Comments Since Algor Invented the Internet

InstaPundit: Kicking Hobos Since Before It Was Popular

InstaPundit: InstaComa

But my favorite is plain, and to the point:

InstaPundit: Indeed.

  Suprise! Lieberman is a Liberal!

"Democrat Joe Lieberman, hoping to jump-start his presidential campaign with a fresh attack on White House policy, is promising to ensure that upper-income Americans pay more taxes than they did before President Bush's record-breaking tax cuts." - Yahoo News story

Imagine that, Uncle Joe is actually a "redistribute-the-wealth-so-EVERYONE-can-be-poor" commie. What a shocker... Now he's just like the other Democratic presidential dwarfs.

"Redistribute the wealth = spread the misery equally"

  My Vote

I vote for Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon.

I'm a good Alliance Member...

  JAZZED

(This is a paper I wrote for my critical writing class...I enjoyed writing it, so I'm not going to waste it by only letting my teacher read it...plus I'm not posting anything else important so I might as well post something.)

I will own you at Scrabble. Sorry, perhaps I should clarify for those not up to date with the current “jive.” I will not only defeat you while playing Scrabble, I will win by so many points we will need to invent new numbers just to accommodate my ending score. I am that good. My roommate discovered my talent while attempting to defeat me one unproductive Wednesday night. Amidst the slaughter of my roommate, he put down a word that immediately caught my attention: “JAZZED.” Through some combination of “Double Letter Scores” and “Double Word Scores,” my roommate’s word accumulated an amazing fifty points.

While my roommate gloated over his lead-stealing word, I pondered to myself, “Is ‘JAZZED’ a real word or slang?” In Scrabble, anyone can contest a word placed on the board. The word is then researched in an up-to-date dictionary, and, if the word is found, it is allowed on the board. If it is not found, the word is removed. Fairly certain “JAZZED” was not a real word, I challenged my opponent’s pride and joy. To his surprise and my relief, “JAZZED” was not in the dictionary. My roommate became irate and quit the game, but he refused to believe “JAZZED” was not a real word. We asked several other people their opinion on the word, and, to my surprise, most agreed that it was indeed a real word.

What constitutes a “real” word? A real word can be found in a respectable dictionary, is accepted by at least a majority of the population, and follows grammatical law that can be applied to other real words. The word “JAZZED” was accepted by the majority of people I spoke with, but it violates the two remaining guidelines. It was not in the Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary (11th Edition published in 2003), and it does not seem to follow any sensible rules.

When my roommate placed the now infamous word on the board, I asked him to use it in a sentence that defined the word. He responded, “The woman got all jazzed up before the fancy dance.” When I asked him to clarify, he informed me to be “jazzed up” is to dress nice and wear fancy jewelry, perfume, etc. Fair enough. I then proceeded to pick up the dictionary, open it, and place it on my head. He stared at me with a look of disbelief and asked what I was doing. “It’s obvious,” I replied. “I am getting ‘dictionaried’ up to go to my Critical Writing and Research class Friday!” His facial expression was priceless. It was a mixture of “Huh?” with a touch of “I wish I had a new roommate.”

Is my roommate allowed to throw an –ed on the end of a noun and expect an instant transformation from one part of speech to another? The suffix –ed, when added to jazz, mutates this once normal noun into an adverb. Would my modifification of the noun “computer” to “computered” be an acceptable transformation from noun to verb? (I did not type this essay, I computered it!) I must take into account the feelings of the nouns. What would the nouns think? A happy noun, let us say “door” for example, is minding its own business, content with being a person, place, or thing, when all of a sudden I, in my splendid human ignorance, decide it is the noun’s job to be more than just a noun. The noun must go above and beyond the call of duty to serve as a person, place, or thing and an action that, theoretically, could be done unto itself! “The door doored.” By creating this obscure new verb, I have distorted the meaning of my sentence. What exactly does it mean “to door?” To door could mean “to open,” or “to close,” or any other random expression having to do with doors.

American culture’s fondness of slang—due to lack of proper grammatical instruction—is complicating our already far too complex language. By relocating nouns from their current location to the land of verbs, adverbs, or adjectives, our culture is making communication between opposite ends of the country, different states, and, in some cases, different cities more and more difficult. Let us leave nouns, verbs, adverbs, adjectives, and other parts of speech in their own happy lands. Let these words live their lives, content with who they are or what they are doing. They need no help from American society in identifying themselves. On the contrary, our society needs these parts of speech to define who we are! But that is neither here nor there. Our society must maintain a certain amount of distinction between what is a verb, what is a noun, and what is a modifier.

But alas, in every society, even in the happy lands of nouns, verbs, and modifiers, there will be rebels, outlaws if you will, frequently crossing the border between Verbville and Noun Town. Bikers can bike on their bikes, lighters can light their light lights, and canners can can can-canning toucans if they can indeed be canned. But we must remember, these noun/verb/modifiers never stay in one town for long. They are outcasts, exiled from both worlds, destined to live a nomadic life. They are used and discarded, waiting for the next Joe Schmoe to put them randomly in a sentence, never knowing what their purpose in life will be next.

Let us not condemn the nouns, verbs, and modifiers that do know their place in society to this life of uncertainty and hardship the nomadic rebels face on a day-to-day basis. Our society must use words properly and with some amount of caution if we are to say what we mean and mean what we say. Our language, our country, and, most importantly, Scrabble depend on society’s proper use of words.

Only you can prevent forged modi-fires.

  Yes, I'm alive...FOOLED YOU!

I know it's been roughly sixty three million years since I last posted. I'd just like to assure you I'm not dead. To some of you, this may come as bad news a relief.

What ever your reaction, remember, never stick your tounge in a toaster.

I will post more soon!

TA TA

  Asking for a kick in the balls...

A federal judge ruled that a high school student has the right to wear a shirt with a picture of Bush and the words "International Terrorist". Read the full article here.

"There is no evidence that the T-shirt created any disturbance or disruption," said the judge. There would be a disturbance if he went to my high school. I'd beat his ass down.

As if the situation weren't bad enough, the student wore the shirt the day he had to present a "compare and contrast" assignment in his English class. He compared President Bush to former Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein.

If this kid can make it a week without at least 12 flaming bags of dog shit on his porch I will be disappointed.

The Right Way

  Enter: Andrew

Some of the more astute readers might have noticed the post directly below this was written not by the Illustrious Maestro Newman, but by the Illustrious Andrew. He's a friend of mine who will be doing some guest posting while he constructs his own site...which you should visit...

...now...

...

faster...

Everyone welcome him by sending him (or me) lots and lots of money..........

mmmm....money......

  Racist or Reasonable?

In California, a girl is trying to start a Caucasian Club at her high school. There are clubs for other races at her school, but none for whites. Is she being racist....or reasonable?

Racism is one of the worst things an American can think of. You would find it easier to commit murder than start an all-white restaurant or bar. We cannot have a white music channel, or a magazine only made for whites, but we have BET and Ebony. What if we had clubs or organizations dedicated to the promotion of whites (as long as we allowed members of other races to join)?

If you are simply promoting the advancement of whites, but allow blacks and other minorities to join as well...it's not really racist...or is it?

I, for one, believe we should promote a "color-blind" society. We should not make it easier for minorities to get in to college, or for them to have a better chance at getting certain jobs. Racism is dead...reason is setting in.

The Right Way

  High Five

Drudge Report linked to this "interesting" story:

"A five-year-old Territory girl shocked teachers when she showed her class how to make a bong out of a Coke bottle during a 'show and tell'' session." -- EDITH BEVIN (news.com.au)

WHO is taking care of this little girl? If I were in charge I'd have the guardians of this child brought to the nearest courthouse and some "sense" beaten into them with my trusty 7 iron. They are sick excuses for human beings. Where else could this girl have learned about making a bong at age five? Her other five-year-old friends?? Even if she did learn it from an older child or friend, why weren't her guardians MONITORING HER!?!?

Parenting has become a joke. Couples have kids (or kill them before they're born) without thinking through how they're going to support them. It's more or less a fashion statement.

Woman 1: Oh, this that your child?

Woman 2: Why yes...yes it is...

Woman 1: It goes so well with your purse!

It all boils down to how much time is actually spent with the child. As for this five year old girl, I wonder if the guardians know she exists?

Verdict: Guardians are guilty of stupidity and child endangerment

Sentence: 890 lashes with a 7 Iron

Case closed.

  Truth from a Troop

CNN has an interview with U.S. Army Spc. John Perkins. Spc. Perkins has a lot of intereting things to say about the situation in Iraq and his feelings about his home country. And can you imagine that they're positive?!

CNN - Friday, September 26, 2003 Posted: 2:36 PM EDT (1836 GMT):

"HEMMER: I hate to ask the questions about feelings, but you're back in the U.S. you have a short time here. How do you feel right now coming back to this country?

PERKINS: Extremely excited. When you leave America you kind of take a lot of things for granted until you actually go and spend time in a Third World country and you see just how bad things really are. You realize you just can't wait to get back home as soon as you can.

...

HEMMER: What are (members of your unit) saying right now in terms of morale and attitudes toward the Iraqi situation? What do they say?

PERKINS: I would say that morale is extremely -- well morale now is extremely high, considering that we just got the R&R and a lot of people are getting to go on it. Beforehand, before we were able to go, morale was kind of low. But it's picking up now and getting better.

And feelings toward the Iraqi people, it's not as bad as you think. Actually, -- the Iraqi people are happy that we're there. At least in Kirkuk, where we're at, a lot of people are extremely happen.

Daily we're told by the Iraqi people that live there that "we love you, we are glad you're here, thank you for helping us." So that's a lot of uplifting times there when people tell us that."

  Doing My Part

I vote for King of Fools. I'm a good Alliance member.

  Dam Stupidity

This is a testament to the stupidity that government can create.

  Links of the Moment

Frank's newest In My World is not only hysterical it's nearly real! When's the book coming out Frank?

Be sure to stop by our new meeting place for discussion on how we can fight biased reporting about the war on terrorism.

THE Post of the Moment:

Misha's post on abortion. Fantastic.

  WE GET TO DO SOMETHIN' IMPORTANT!

As Alliance members it is our duty and pleasure to fight the Blog War on many fronts. Our fearless leader has now opened a second front in this historic war. Are we man/woman enough to stand up and fight? Or shall we let the so-called "Big Media" destroy the good name of our military? Big Media will rue the day they decided to report only the negative from the war on terrorism. RUE I SAY!

Read my lips: ask not what the Alliance can do for you, but what you can do for the Alliance! We are building an Alliance bridge to the 21st century with our compassionate conservatism! If you're afraid of the heat then get out of the frying pan and stuff! (the) BUCK STOPS HERE!!!

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

  Now They've Gone and Done It...

If you haven't heard, Madonna and Britney Spears had a brief but male-crowd pleasing exchange on stage at the MTV Music Video Awards. By doing this they have committed one of the worst sins against man that any mortal could possibly commit: They have angered Stevie Nicks.

Every well educated person knows once you've angered the Stevie Nicks there's point to life. You might as well end it by painting the walls with your brain. (Howard Dean if you're reading this, and I know you are, you may want to heed this advise also.)

"I thought it was the most obnoxious moment in television history," said Nicks.

Most obnoxious??? I'd say the Democratic Debate was just a hair more obnoxious, but Stevie Nicks is right about one thing:

Nicks said Spears and Christina Aguilera should wear more clothes and try writing decent songs.

This is why they pay Nicks the big bucks...

...*snicker*...

  HAHAHA

Drudge is reporting that a "Drunk" U.S. soldier shot a "rare" tiger in the Baghdad zoo. I find that funny. If you don't, I don't give a damn.

Update:

Story is now confirmed here.

  I Do as I'm Told

I'm voting for Ilyka Damen's "A Happy Epiphany".

...I'm like a sheep...

...it's so sad...

  Arrrgh!

Here's my pirate personality brought to you by the Talk Like a Pirate Day Official Website.

You are Ol' Chummy

You look old for your age. Hygiene is just that thing that happens to other Pirates. You like what you like. Taking a cannonball to the head in your younger days hasn't helped. Not one to take risks, you enjoy quiet evenings on your bunk. You're a collector. You like things. Not, "nice" things- just things. Some people think of you as a blight on humanity - a carbuncle on the alabaster skin of man. You think of yourself as a swell guy with lots of friend - just the one, but lots of him. If you weren't a pirate, but rather lived in the 21st Century, you would be the kind of guy who has played a computer game for four days without thinking of showering and living solely on Mountain Dew and Cool Ranch Doritos. What you lack in physical attractiveness you more than make up for in interesting skin conditions. What's the upside of all of this? With the Captain's lifestyle, you are likely to be running the ship in a week or two. Ahead! Warp Factor ONE!

What's Yer Inner Pirate?
brought to you by The Official Talk Like A Pirate Web Site. Arrrrr!

  Your Inner Child Will Hate You

If you order an Adult Happy Meal, your inner child will kick you in the face...and so will I.

Read this filth.

These new "meals" will include a salad, health booklet, and pedometer to "encourage walking." Screw walking. I'll walk from my house, to my car (which I will use to drive to McDonalds and order a huge greasy cheese burger then drive back), and back to my house where I will precede to sit.

I'm sure the reason we go to fast food joints is to get healthy. Oh wait, If I thought that I'd have the intelligence of a slightly retarded walrus (aka a New York Times columnist).

When I go out for fast food I'm not really worrying about my health. I'm more worried about the a-hole in front of me in line who is ordering the salad at a place where the air you breath is fattening. People who order salads at fast food joints need lobotomies, or at least a good beating.

  Will Liberal Hypocrisy Ever End?

Paul Krugman, a columnist for The New York Treason, always has some interesting comments about our president. I call them interesting only because of how extremely inaccurate and farfetched they are. The only point to reading his columns is to see what inane comments he'll come up with next. Here's the communist comment of the moment taken from this article:

"The Bushies just say black is white and up is down," Krugman said of the current president. "The Orwellian character of these people is very disturbing."

Immediately following my fit of laughing, my roommate informed me that Krugman was serious. I looked at him with this "how-could-anyone-ever-say-something-so-incredibly-dumb-such-as-that-statement-which-you-claim-is-serious" look.

If anyone in modern society is of "Orwellian character" it's the "Progressives" in this country. Any utterance of sound by these self-righteous zealots is doublespeak/doublethink at it's finest.

When Clinton said that he didn't have sex with Monica, what did it actually mean? It meant, "We screwed like rabbits." When Liberals say they're pro-choice does it mean they're for choice on school vouchers and privatized social security? No, it has nothing to do with choice. It simply means they're pro-baby-killing.

One of the greatest doublespeaks of recent history was the "Support the Troops Not the Mission" slogans being thrown around by the left. How can you support the troops but not support what they're doing? Isn't like saying the Chicago Bears are your favorite football team and then hoping they lose every game (which they will)?

By Krugman claiming that the "Bushies" were Orwellian and NOT saying anything about the left (Gories? Clintonies?) he is committing doublespeak! This is propaganda at it's best/worst.

Krugman also talks about the press being conservatively biased which is laughable at best. Blah blah blah ignorance ignorance ignorance.

This just reminds me why I don't read the Treason Times on a regular basis.

  New Blogger Showcase

I'm voting for this post. Brought to you by Snooze Button Dreams.

  No Time to Think

I won't be blogging until tomorrow probably... I'm just too swamped with "my studies." Alas, I will post a bunch of crap highly educated opinions tomorrow...

maybe...

if I feel like it...

  Marching to the Beat of a Different Blender

As the Alliance Court Composer I thought it only appropriate that I write what I THINK the Puppy Blender's favorite song would be. It is entitled:

PUPPY POWER!

There's nothin' better than a couple a' pups!
A few canines to sip.
I blend em' I pour em'
Oh, I just adore em'
They cure my post nasal drip.

I got the PUPPY POWER!
I got the PUPPY POWER!
I got the best margarita in town.
I catch em' I blend em'
Oh, I recommend em'
The best damn drink hands down!

I got the power!

-----

As a special added feature for extra coolness you can actually listen to this (MIDI version) online! But it does require some work on your part.

Go to Coda Music and find the tab near the top that says show case and click on it. Download the free Finale Viewer and install (this requires a restart...I know, I know...it's a pain in the ass). After it's installed click here. Voila!
-----

To enhance your listening experience, use the METRONOME lever (right under the volume lever) and move the tempo up to 160.

  Recalling the Recall

The 9th Circus Court of California has struck again.

They now wish to delay the recall vote because some parts of the state would be using outdated ballots. How come none of the other courts thought this was the case? Oh, maybe it's because the judges of the 9th Circus are idiots. Yes yes. I think that sums it up.

  A Rose by Any Other Name

I need a good name for a male quartet. If you have any suggestions, email them to me. If I like one I'll deem that person "the winner" and they'll get they're name and a link to their site on my HEAVILY viewd page...*snicker*...

  Madeleine Albright: Hideous and Stupid

Medusa Madeleine Albright recently sat down with J.F.O. McAllister of Time magazine to discuss stuff... Well, there was actually no point to the interview other than to promote her new book. When asked about the situation in Iraq, and what the U.S. should do next, Madeleine Notsobright replied:

"Frankly, if there was a President Gore, we wouldn't be in this particular mess."

Notsobright is completely correct. By this time President Gore would have already surrendered to al-Qaeda, and Osama Bin Laden would be our acting leader.

We have to ask an objective question of Ms. Albright: Is she completely deranged or has she just become senile in her old age? The answer is obviously all of the above. Even some liberal democrats were glad that Bush was president after 9/11. I can just imagine Gore in the weeks and months have 9/11 telling the American people we should be negotiating with the terrorists.

For months after September 11th I thanked God daily for George W. Bush. I thanked him for giving us a leader who would actually fight terrorism wherever it rears it's head. I thanked him for not cursing us with a tree-like man who we "lovingly" refer to as Gorebot.

Madeline Albright secretly thanked him too.

  CNN = Communist News Network?

Christiane Amanpour is mad. Have you ever tried so desperately hard to get a jar open that your hands are now permanently scarred from the intense pressure you applied to lid only to have a four year old child take the jar from your incompetent hands and quickly remove the lid from the jar with little or no effort and saying, "You loosened it for me," while staring at you with those caring eyes that only four year olds possess? Doesn't that make you mad? We WISH Christiane Amanpour was only that mad...

"I think the press was muzzled, and I think the press self-muzzled. I'm sorry to say, but certainly television and, perhaps, to a certain extent, my station was intimidated by the administration and its foot soldiers at Fox News. And it did, in fact, put a climate of fear and self-censorship, in my view, in terms of the kind of broadcast work we did," said a seething Amanpour.

To translate, Americans were tired of hearing CNN and other liberal news outlets degrade our troops and country day in and day out, so they watched FOX News instead. Thus, CNN had to stop some of it's America hating to get some viewers back. This angered an bewildered such widely acclaimed communists journalists such as Amanpour who have always regarded America as the world's cancer.

I look at it this way: news stations do have to be objective. They have to report what the administration does regardless of how it will make them look, but CNN and some other major media news outlets don't focus on ANYTHING the administration does well. Even if they do, they find some way to make sure it makes BUSH look bad. I guess it's not ok to support your country--that's NATIONALISM or FASCISM or HIDING BEHIND THE FLAG or BLIND PATRIOTISM--but it is ok to "love the troops and hate the mission" or burn the flag or report only the negative happenings in Iraq. There seems to be a double standard. Questioning your country is "patriotic" because you're exercising your constitutional rights to be an asshole, but LOVING your country is fascist. Logic escapes the liberals again.

There was a great response to Amanpour's comments by FOX News spokeswoman Irena Briganti:

"Given the choice, it's better to be viewed as a foot soldier for Bush than a spokeswoman for al-Qaeda."

Ouch...

Burn...

  Unborn Babies Proven Human--Abortionists Infuriated

From a Sky News article:

"Pioneering scanning techniques have produced astonishing images from inside the womb which show babies apparently smiling and crying."

What anti-abortion advocates have known for a long time is now being proved correct by the scientific world: unborn babies are indeed ALIVE AND HUMAN. This, of course, has thrown pro-baby-killing advocates into fury. Now they might actually feel guilty about going out, getting knocked up, and aborting their "mistake."

"There are many questions that can now be investigated, said Prof Campbell. Does the foetus smile because it is happy, or cry because it has been disturbed by some event in the womb?"

Of course it smiles because it's happy! Of course it cries because it's sad or has been disturbed! Do we, as humans, not do these things!? I have NEVER been able to get my mind around the concept of unborn babies not being "alive" or "human." A woman has every right to do what she wants with HER BODY, but a child, even though connected to her, is not HER BODY. It's part her genes, and part her husbands, but the child is not property! Humans are not property!

Bah. I could go on forever on this subject. But I won't.

I'm going to dinner.

  Une Problemo

I don't know if anyone REALLY cares, but the archives aren't working as of now. I'm working on fixing them. Permalinks and such are kind of important...

...to me anyway...

  New Blogger Showcase

As I was reading the New Blogger Showcase entries, I noticed QandO had an entry, and, of course, it was the best. I really enjoy his style and commentary. Plus he fixed my webpage. Praise be to him, again.

  Open Mouth. Insert Foot Pistol.

When I read stories like this about Howard Dean and his stupidity, I feel like sending him this article by Maddox.

-----

"There is a war going on in the Middle East, and members of Hamas are soldiers in that war," Dean said Wednesday. - FOX Report

Oh really? Do soldiers purposely kill civilians? Do soldiers purposely kill children? Members of Hamas ARE NOT soldiers. They are terrorists and they should be treated as such. Shoot to kill.

This statement by Dean either:

A) Shows how politically ignorant he is.

B) Shows how extremely far left he is.

or

C) All of the above.

I can't even comprehend the idea of this man being president! If, God forbid, we were attacked again he would implement the French Doctrine and immediately surrender to the brave "soldiers" or a "peaceful religion." Anyone who supports this man's bid for the presidency is either completely insane with progressive liberal thoughts or related to a Clinton. If you fit into either one of those categories, then read this article along with your buddy Howwie Dean.

  The Day After

I woke yesterday morning as I had every other morning--tired, groggy, and only semi-functional. I remembered the significance of the day and I said a prayer to myself. My morning went on as normal. Shower. Food. Check the email.

Nothing.

I gathered my books and headed off to class. I don't know what I expected, but whatever it was, it didn't happen. I walked to class and sat down. We worked through some pages in our text, took a quiz, and ended our learning. We weren't allowed to leave; the teacher wanted to talk about September 11th. "Finally," I thought to myself.

The teacher spoke a little bit about what happened on campus that day in 2001 and how people acted towards each other for months after that. Caring. Loving. Helping. He spoke a little bit about how he felt and then encouraged us to talk about how we felt on the 2nd anniversary of the worst terrorist attack on our soil. The first person spoke:

"I think President Bush has been misleading the public about 9/11. It was a bad thing and all, but he has people believing Saddam Hussein attack us."

My literally dropped open. We were having a discussion about the horror of 9/11 which had some in tears and many others close when out of nowhere this, let us call her what she is, bitch destroyed the moment with her pure liberal hatred for Bush. A couple of people jumped right in and confronted here, and others defended her position. It wasn't even the fact she holds these beliefs that angered me. It was the fact she chose NOW to bring them up. It was sickening..." [9/11] was a bad thing and all..." It wasn't just a "bad" thing Super Bitch, it was horrific, and your activism makes me want to vomit.

I left the class in a frothing rage. I figured I could vent in my next class. I just assumed that since it was a philosophy class that we would at least discuss 9/11 a little bit.

Nope. I was wrong.

Nothing.

The rest of the day was almost surreal to me. No one mentioned what happened. No other teachers talked about it. The most vague reference I heard was a group of kids were having a 9/11 drinking party...

Only two years after, we have already forgotten what we felt. We will never forget what happened, but it's sad and depressing that we almost completely neutralize our feelings about 9/11. Some don't want to remember because it's too hard. Others don't want to remember because they don't care. Others..."too busy", "not directly involved", "too far away", "too long ago", "not important enough..."

We. MUST. Not. Forget.

We live in a world that is completely different from the one just two years ago. Our ideas, ideals, and outlook on life has been radically altered and, in some cases, distorted. To say that we should just get over it as many media outlets chose to do is to be morally dead.

Innocent people, people who probably didn't give a damn about the terrorists cause one way or another, were slaughtered by fanatics who hijacked more than planes that day. They took a religion and used it for their own needs.

We. MUST. Not. Forget.

To forget is to allow the terrorists another small victory. It is ESSENTIAL to never allow terrorists to have the ability to do this to us or ANYONE ever again. If we forget, they have not only won the battle, they've won the war...

  Beyond Words

If not good, then evil.

If not freedom, then slavery.

If not liberty, then death.



September 11th

Never forget.

  Democrat Debate Turns to Bushwhacking

For all of you out there that had no interest in watching a bunch of pompous windbags trying to out do each other with trivial comments about our president and his policies, don't worry. I watched the Democrat Debate on FOX so you didn't have to. Aren't I nice guy? You should pay me more.

As the FOX story says, there was no real winner in last night's debate. The only thing these nine Jackasses could win is a free kick to the face courtesy of me. I've never seen nine more completely uninteresting and boring people in my life. They are the political form of Valium.

They wouldn't be so bad, but none of them have any original ideas. Bob Graham came the closest to almost having a thought of his own when he said, and I quote, "Tonight in America, our people are ass..." Then there was a long pause and he went on. We must conclude from this ?Freudian Slip? ?subliminal message? that Bob Graham looks at the American people as a piece of ass, and if he's elected president everyone gets a free tube of KY for the SODOMY THAT WILL SOON FOLLOW!

But alas, that was the one and only new idea presented at the debauchery debate. The rest was typical of Democrats; they slammed the president and his ideas but failed to present any of their own (besides the ass-raping idea). They went on and on about how this president sucks and how he's a loser and how he smells funny...frankly, it was like watching a bunch of 5 year olds debating:

John Edwards: "That George guy is way stooopid."

Al Sharpton: "Yeah, and I heard he likes girls....

All (minus Carol Moseley Braun): "EWWWWWW!"

Carol: "Yeah, well, boys have cooties!"

Dick Gephardt: "I have to go poopy."

Sadly though, those were quotes right off the transcript. As you can see, the debate was lively and opinionated with Al Sharpton clearly taking a comanding position.

There is one positive thing I can say about last night: the questions were HELLA hard, ranging from "Why are you so fabulous?" to (REAL QUESTION COMING) "What is your favorite song?" Yes folks, I guess America just couldn't vote for a candidate unless they publically announced their favorite song. The Answers?

*****

John Edwards: "I'd have to say my favorite song is Please Don't Mistake Me for JFK Cause I'm Not Nor Will I Ever Be as Great as He Even Though, in all Actuallity, He Sucked as a President by John Edwards."

Dennis Kucinich: "My favorite song is definately the Oompa-Loompa song from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory...you know the one! OOMPA LOOMPA OOMPITY DO I'VE GOT ANOTHER TAX HIKE FOR YOU..."

Moderator: "That's not how it goes Mr. Krochich."

Kucinich: "Oh...well.....................DOWN WITH CAPITALISM!"

Dick Gephardt: "Mr. Cellophane..."

Jean Kerrie: "Deed I happen to mentchion zat I served een Vietnam?!?"

Moderator: "YES Monseiur Kerrie you mentioned that you served in Vietnam..."

Jean Kerrie: "Oh...I was just making shooore."

Moderator: "You're favorite song?"

Jean Kerrie: "But of course...it is Frere Jacques you silly English k-ni-ght!"

Moderator: "Right..."

Bob Graham: "My favorite color is Bluuuuuuuuuuue."

Moderator: "Not your favorite color Mr. Grahmn, YOUR FAAAVOOORIIITTTEE SSSOOOOONNNNGGG..."

Bob Graham: "Yes, I once had a dog once. His name was Poofy and he lived to be 17 years old..."

Moderator: "Moving on..."

Joe Lieberman: "Oy vey! My favorite song...it is the Driedal Song...OY! Do you want a bagel!?"

Carol M. Braun: "The song that has really touched my life..."

Moderator: "No one cares. You can't win anyway...moving on."

Howard Dean: "After deep consideration I'd have to say that most favorite song is American Pig Dogs by Nedal Nib Amaso..."

Moderator: "Isn't that Osama Bin Laden *gag* backwards?"

Howard Dean: "What's your point?"

Moderator: "Next."

Al Sharpton: "If I had to pick ONLY one song, which seems kind of racist to me in the first place, I would have to pick...START THE MUSIC BOYS!!!!"

*Annoying rap music*

Al Sharpton: "BABY GOT BACK!!! I like big BUTTS AND I CANNOT LIE..."

Moderator: "Ok Mr. Sharpton...that's quite enou...KEEP YOUR CLOTHES ON DAMMNIT!! YOU TOO KUCINICH!"

*****

And thus the debate ended in a tie.

  Have a Nice Day!

Here's a little self esteem booster for the Puppy Blender. I hope he cries.

  Links of the Moment

(I'll never do links of the day. Most of the time I'm too damn lazy to update every day.)

[Think About It] has an interesing quote of the day.

I had never visted this site before today... It's...interesting...

Visit Alliance H.Q. for Blog War Strategy and Program Notes

And I feel like giving Rachel Lucas a link just because.

  Gray Davis: From Low to Communist Low in One Easy Step

"California Gov. Gray Davis on Saturday took a dig at Republican gubernatorial candidate Arnold Schwarzenegger, telling one potential voter at a campaign stop that 'you shouldn't be governor unless you can pronounce the name of the state.'" - Fox News

Imagine that: a member of the Democrat Party--the party of tolerance, diversity, and hypocrisy--saying someone isn't qualified to run a state because of his foreign accent. Sounds tolerent to me...TOLERENT LIKE STALIN.

This is just another of MANY examples of liberal hypocrisy. They're almost cult-like use of doublethink is sickening, hysterical, and baffling all at the same time.

The left preaches tolerance, diversity, and racial equality and then backs programs like affirmative action that do NOTHING but seperate races into obviously distinct categories--those who are dark enough to get admission/the job/the contract, and those who are just too damn light.

Liberals, or "Progressives" as they like to be called, claim they're the party of "Choice." Wrong. Where's they're freedom of choice on school vouchers? Where's their choice on health (TAX THE FAT! TAX THE SMOKERS!)? "Progressives" will fight a war against tobacco, but praise marijuanna as the best thing since liquid puppy.

They are not by any stretch of the imagination the party of choice; they're the party of abortion (Thank you Ann).

"Save the criminals, abort your children!" Why is it that the left has this "moral" crusade against the death penalty because of the sanctity of human life, but adores a woman's "right" to end her child's life? That makes ABSOLUTELY no sense to me!

THEY'RE OUTRIGHT DOUBLETHINK/DOUBLESPEAK MAKES MY HEAD WANT TO EXPLODE!!!

...

...ok...I'm ok now...

I needed to do that before I went to bed. Otherwise, I'd wake up in the morning with an urge to kill someone, and I don't think my roommate would appreciate homicidal tendencies at 7:30 a.m.

Night.

  Thanks!

Everyone should thank Jon from QandO by visiting his page everyday. He solved the problem of the half loading page. Praise be to Jon.

  Ni!
I just watched Monty Python and the Holy Grail again. Classic. I've decided that if you don't like Monty Python then you're a communist, and if your not a communist then maybe you should look into it because only commies don't like Monty Python.

Glenn Reynolds hates Monty Python...

  A Tiny Problem

For some reason I can only see the top half of my webpage. I don't know if anyone else can see to the bottom, but alas, I am without the lower portion. Hopefully the problem will be corrected quickly, but with my minimal knowledge of the INTRONET forgive me if it takes a while.

If you hit F11 twice you can view the entire blog...but that sucks! People shouldn't have to do that! Blogger.com people are working on the problemo as we speak. Meanwhile, I shall cry...

UPDATE

Blogger.com tells me that this has happened to other people's blogs before and that if I simply hit F11 twice, or resize the window the problem is fixed. Yes that does work, but I have to do it every time! Does anyone out there know how I can fix this problem!?!? Email me.

  Little Counter Thingy

I added a little counter thingy because I was afraid of Frank and Susie, and I wanted to see the pitifulness of my site in number form.

  Amnesty? Or A Dirty Communist Trick?

According to the two greatest sources for news (FOX News & Drudge Report), the RIAA, Recording Industry Association of America, is planning to announce an amnesty program to all illegal file sharers.

According to the FOX News article:

"The RIAA's offer would require Internet users to complete a notarized amnesty form that includes promises to delete any illegally downloaded music and not participate in illegal file-trading in the future. In exchange, the RIAA would agree not to file a potentially expensive infringement lawsuit."

Why would someone send these people their name and address to these people? If you don't want to share files anymore then just stop. By sending them you're name you could easily be part of a group of people who are watched for file sharing in the future.

Personally, I've downloaded a few songs. I used the file sharing software to preview songs I wanted to buy. If I liked the song, I'd go out and find it on CD. If I didn't like the song, I deleted it. Simple. If CDs weren't so frickin expensive file sharing wouldn't be the problem it is today.

  And It Was So...maybe...

I picked my specialy and sent it to the Offical Headquarters of Alliance Member Specialties. I don't know exactly how this will work. What if my specialty is denied, like a white kid at the University of Michigan? Then what do I do??? I'll do what any self-respecting American would do--hire a lawyer.

  Wow! An Update!

Don't get too overly excited my dear friends. I've just updated the links section. I'm trying to link to every member of the Blogger Alliance. Maybe I'll actually WRITE something tonight...then again...maybe midgets will crawl out from under your desk and nibble your toes...

  Thanks for the...uh...er...Compliment?

Thanks to Frank J. for linking to my biography of Evil Glenn and for the compliment of sorts. Any link is a good link...

  Of Monkeys and Men: A Biography of Glenn Reynolds

Helga von Hippiestein, whom we know today as "Glenn Reynolds," was born around 60 B.C. (Before Cleanliness) to Mr. & Mrs. Hippiestein--two very proud simian parents. Glenn had a troubled childhood. Many of her siblings just hated her. They use to laugh, and call her names. They never let poor Helga join in any simian games.

Helga grew very bitter as she aged. The constant laughing and fingerpointing of her hairy brothers and sisters slowly drove her to an intense insanity. She began to stay up very late at night and plan the destruction of the world, but she knew she would be too weak to accomplish such an attack on her own. So one day, late at night, she climbed out of her tree and headed off for ... (BUM BUM BUUUUMMM)... Somewhat Evil Mountain.

Her peregrination took many perilous minutes to reach the peak of the 13 ft mountain. She put her hands on the Ancient Stone of Beelzebub located on the zenith of the mighty mountain and prayed to be turned into a genius, with immortality, good looks, stunning literary skills, two large cokes, and a side of fries...

The clouds parted and lightning flashed over the now sickly green sky. The animals ran with a fear for their life. Helga, not knowing the awesome power she unleased, tried desperatly to remove her furry hands from the Ancient Stone of Beelzebub, but to no avail--someone had already covered it in super glue.

"Sticking" to her origial plan, Helga let the fear leave her body and accepted her fate.

Suddenly! A HUGE Flash and POOF...who should appear? Only the most diabolical, hideously ugly, sinister, person ever to unleased from the bowels of hell...Hillary Clinton.

And then...the evil spoke saying:

"WHO DARE DISTURB MY ETERNAL SLUMBER?"

Helga looked up at the mostrocity that Hillary called a face and immediatly turned to stone.

"Shit! I hate it when that happens!" Exclaimed the mighty and fugly (fucking ugly) Hillary who then turned Helga back to a monkey and put on a Carrot Top mask to hide her grotesque mug.

"You are brave little monkey girl to awake such an omnipotent, evil, and not mention appalingly ugly, creature from a sleep that has lasted since the dawn of time. Have you no idea what wicked evil you have brough forth onto your trivial planet!?"

Helga responded by throwing her poo at Hillary.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I'm suppose to be the only one that peddles shit around here!!! You are by far the most meniacally evil creature I've had the misfortune to set eyes upon...your evil is so great that I shall make you into the perfect weapon of destruction! You're might will be unsurpassed and your intellect greater than every living person combined!" Hillary waved her long, sword-like fingernails and a cloud of smoke surrounded Helga. When the cloud cleared, Helga was no longer Helga. Helga looked down and noticed she had a banana between her legs...

"You shall now be known as...(BUM BUM BUMMMMMMM) GLENDA Reyn..o...l........dsssssss.....why the hell do you have a penis now? Shit, I messed up the spell again. Ah well...You shall now be known as...

...

...I said...you shall now be known as...

...*cough*MUSIC*cough*

(BUM BUM BUUUUUUMMMMM)...GLENN REYNOLDS!!!!" *lighting & thunder*

"Now for the final touches...The next few phrases shall give you powers beyond your comprehension as a former ape. First, the power of speech. Heiney Wheiny Hooky Wooooooooky!!!"

Glenn could feel her...uh...er...HIS throat changing...and he uttered his first words, "Puppy....*cough*.....Puppy Blender..."

"Yes, very good, my child. Now I shall give you knowlege of things beyond anyone's comprehension. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMM IIIEEEE AAAA OOOO UUUUU MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM SHIPOOPI!"

Glenn had visions of tanks, nuclear war, the internet, and free porn.

"Now for the last step...IMMORTALITY!!! *thunder & lightning* It is very important that all the words are said. If they aren't, you will only live until somone outwits you...YOYO MEEMO BADDABINGBO HOOKER LOOKER MEGA YOOOOUuuu....*cough*.......*hack*.....GHHHEEE *cough*....shit...we'll have to finish this another time, I need a cigarette."

And with that, the evil was gone...but not forever...(But that's another story)...

Glenn used his new found powers to wreak havoc on the unsuspecting world. He was responsible for many a evil deed such as WWI, WWII, the atomic bomb, and Yanni. He eventually used his power to control the media from his homebase INSTAPUNDIT It's not known to many that he was the cause of all of these evils, but I've secretly hacked into his personal diary, and that's how I'm able to give you this biography...here is an excerpt from his most secreat files (WARNING - What you're about to read has killed many a Ninja):

"Good morning my sweet little journal! I woke up this morning with a headache, so I drank some blood of a virgin and that made it go away--it always does! Then I had my daily puppy shake--made from LIVE puppy, of course. Without my puppy shakes I'd be easily outwitted by my enemies and then I'd die. That would suck!! HEHEHE. Oh...well...I wonder if Mark will ever notice me. I call him 25 times a day but he doesn't return my calls....You're truly my only friend diary. I think I'm going to go out now and kick some hobos or something...maybe slaughter a few innocent dolphins too..."

As you can see, he stupidly points out how he's able to outwit his enemies...it's those DAMN PUPPY SHAKES. If only there were some group of people, say an Alliance, that's sole purpose was to bring down the evil that is Glenn Reynolds...it couldn't be named something cool. Say, "The Blogger Alliance" for example...if that existed we could EASILY end his hobo-kicking, puppy drinking days...

...if it only existed...

...

Wait a tick...

  College Daze

Sorry for not updating in a while, but I've been moving into college. Yes, that makes me a young'en, but don't think becaue I'm young I won't kick you in the lip!

  Aaah, the Over Confidence of Experience & the Research Ability of Youth

In my ever so little spare time, I write for a local paper. A couple weeks ago our Editor-in-Chief, Art, attacked an article I wrote about Iraq. He's pretty much against the war, and as you can imagine, I'm for it. To sum up, this back and forth “battle” so to speak started after I read Art’s article about the Iraq war being a no win situation for anyone. I quickly submitted a response, and shortly there after Art printed his response to my response. I now submit to you my response to his response about my response.

Before I begin my formal rebuttal to Art’s column entitled, “Aaah, the Exuberance of Youth & the Wisdom of Experience” I would like to thank Art by breaking those “proper” rules of journalism and actually stating his opinions. Without dialogue and conflict of opinions life would be about as exciting as C-SPAN. Even though I may not agree with everything Art says, it’s ALWAYS good to hear two sides of the story. Without both sides of the argument, one could never make an educated decision. That being said, he's still wrong.

First of all, Art believed that I may have missed his point about Iraq and our military, and I may have. I can only rely on what I read and how my brain interprets it. What I have gathered from his articles are these points: A – He believes that we shouldn’t have gone to war in the fashion that we did but it’s still a good thing that Saddam is gone, B – The U.S. should have learned that large forces don’t always work (Vietnam), C – We shouldn’t be an occupying force for any long period, and D – We’re spending too much to keep that large force in a country we shouldn’t be occupying for long anyway. I hope I finally understand now, but if I still have any of them wrong just let me know.

The belief that the way we liberated Iraq was a bad one is almost inarguable. If a large force wasn’t the way to go, then the only other options are a small force, or more pinpoint bombing. We learned from former President Clinton that pinpoint bombing does not work to remove evil dictators only to remove Aspirin factories. Saddam could have stayed in his underground bunkers almost indefinitely and all we could have accomplished was wiping out the entire city of Baghdad (which we would have to rebuild). It seems to me that the easiest way to remove Saddam, liberate the people, and keep the peace is with a large force like we’re currently using. That brings me to my next point: Vietnam.

Since Art’s column last week I’ve done some homework on the Vietnam War. I decided that the only way I could effectively argue my point would be to learn about this conflict, and boy did I learn (See, I don’t know EVERYTHING—just most everything).

The article states that “The French in Vietnam, then the U.S. in Vietnam and the Russians in Afghanistan all suffered defeat in spite of having an overwhelming force and high-tech gadgetry.” I’m not willing to discuss why the French lost in Vietnam (because we know why they lost—they’re French) or why the Russians lost in Afghanistan (they were probably to drunk on Vodka to fight), but I am ready and willing to argue why we lost in Vietnam. It is true that we did lose in spite of our large force and gadgetry, but that statement’s a little misleading. I fully believe that the Vietnam War could have been WON if a responsible leader would have been in charge. To those who think that Vietnam was not winnable I ask you to think again.

I do agree that the Vietnam War was doomed from the start. Why? Not because it would be impossible to win, but because of who our president was at the time—John Kennedy. Kennedy had proven himself an ineffective military leader by the time the North Vietnamese attacked the South, our ally. He had already botched the Bay of Pigs incident by not giving air cover to the Cuban liberators hence allowing thousands of them to either be killed or captured. His “success” in dealing with the Cuban missile crisis was hailed as brilliant, but no one ever happens to mention that he was the one that caused the crisis in the first place. His “success” did remove the missiles from Cuba, but at the same time Khrushchev recanted on a promise that would have kept the Russians completely out of Cuba and also our missiles had to be removed from Turkey.

After Kennedy ordered the troops to Vietnam, an order that was praised by the media, he wasn’t actually ready to WIN the war. At the beginning of the war the U.S. had the best chance of winning. Kennedy never even thought about it and never ordered an invasion of the north. From that point on Kennedy and later Lyndon Johnson seemed to be actually trying to sabotage the war effort. During Johnson’s administration welfare spending actually surpassed defense spending! In the middle of a war Johnson thought his social programs were more important than our soldiers’ lives.

Aside from all the damage the Democratic presidents were doing, the Defense Department wasn’t doing any better. Most troops only stayed in Vietnam for a year, then they could leave. Just when they started to adjust and learn to fight they were sent home. Also, the “large force” wasn’t so large when it was split up into very tiny attack groups. Troops were sent into battle in very small amounts at a time, and this ended up in mass killings of our troops.

My point is simple. It wasn’t the fact that we couldn’t win with a large force. The fact is the large force was miss managed from the get go and we could have easily won the Vietnam War with the proper leadership in place.

Now that everyone’s had their history lesson for the day, I feel I need to talk about our occupying force in Iraq. In order to stabilize the country, set up a democracy, and strengthen the economy the U.S. MUST occupy the country for 4 to 5 more years. If we were to leave the country the way it is today we would be sentencing the Iraqi people to another life under another brutal dictator. I know the perception is that we’re not making headway in Iraq all the while our troops are being killed left and right by an “organized” guerilla force. The problem with this perception is that it’s fed to us by an all to liberal media who has been against the war from the beginning and would like nothing more than to see us fail miserably. Many who have visited Iraq post-war agree that it is still in need of restructuring, but also concur that the coalition is making great progress in restoring the infrastructure.

We do face resistance from some of the Iraqi people. This was a problem that was predicted. The people are so use to living under a brutal regime that these changes probably frighten and confuse them. These citizens of Iraq are resistant to change because they’ve seen change before, and it wasn’t pretty. We still have a long way to go to gain their trust but I firmly believe we’re well on our way. Once a democratic government is set up and the Iraqi people are free to choose who they want as their leader they’ll see that what we did was not to take their country from them, but just the opposite—we gave it back to them.

For anyone who says that these people don’t want democracy or that we shouldn’t be pushing our values and views on them I ask them to remember what they were taught about the Civil War in the U.S. Before the war broke out, while we were still in our stage of heated debates regarding slavery, what did the North argue about slaves? They argued that slaves want, need, and deserve freedom just like any and every other person. But what did the South argue? They argued that the slaves were happy just the way they were. They argued that the slaves LIKED being slaves and that they loved the master, and that we shouldn’t try to press on them values that they don’t want or like. Sound familiar? It’s the same argument some used to protest the war. It is a fallacy that people don’t strive to be free. If humans don’t yearn for the sweet taste of freedom then why aren’t we flying the Union Jack right now and singing “God Save the Queen?”

The cost of this war is indeed immense. But I would rather our country spend that money to liberate a people and to remove a terrorist dictator than wait for that evil leader to use his money and influence to produce weapons of mass destruction and use them. No amount of money is too great for our safety and the freedom of an oppressed people. Other dictators do pose just as much of a threat now that Saddam did months ago i.e. Kim Jon Il. There are major differences in the way North Korea should be handled as opposed to the way Iraq was handled. For starters, North Korea hasn’t been threatening their neighbors or us with weapons of mass destruction like Iraq did for TWELVE YEARS. To those who would have rather invaded North Korea I ask, “Why ‘rush’ to war?”

Art, I say to you and to anyone else who believes that this war was either unjust, ill-fought, or too expensive, “Sorry, but this time you’re mistaken.” What we did was noble, just, and long overdo. The way we did it was not flawless by any means, but it was still one of the greatest military campaigns in the history of the world. The history books of tomorrow will not see this war as selfish or mislead, but as proof positive that the United States of America and it’s allies would not stand by while evil reared it’s ugly head in defiance of the rest of humanity. Our troops have not died in vain, but for the freedom and liberty of an oppressed people, and the safety of our homeland—noble causes indeed.

  See Dean Run. Run Dean Run!

I am here and now openly supporting Howard Dean as the presidential candidate for the Democrats. Even though I'd rather having Dennis Kucinich who's campaign slogan seems to be, "Look I'm more liberal than Marx," Howard Dean will do just fine. I'm not predicting a 49 State loss for the Libs this time around, but I wouldn't be suprised if it was close.

On that note, let me tell you fine folks WHY I want Hurricane Dean to be the Lib's nominee:

Howard Dean is on the far left end of his party. He was against the war in Iraq (and still is), he wants to repeal President Bush’s tax cut and use the tax money he repeals to fund a national health care program (which would in turn raise taxes), he’s pro-abortion, pro-affirmative action, pro gun control, pro same sex marriages, against tougher immigration laws, against using racial profiling even in cases where terrorism is a concern, and he is for partial birth abortions (late term abortions). He doesn’t even acknowledge there is such a thing as partial birth abortions. To be fair Mr. Dean is not as liberal as he could be. I say this only because he’s pro death penalty in cases of heinous crimes such as the slaughter of a puppy. Basically, he's as far left as the Libs can get and still get votes from the public.

Do you now see why I want him to be the Democrat’s candidate for president? Do you really think that Mr. Dean, being as far left as he is, could get elected in this country after September 11th? I’m willing to bet he can’t. The American people are primarily concerned with two things: 1. Homeland Security and 2. the Economy. Granted, the economy isn’t doing the greatest at the moment, let me ask you this. What happens when a candidate runs on the platform of higher taxes? Ask Walter Mondale who in his 1984 campaign for president suggested that he would raise taxes to cut the national deficit. That year Reagan won a landslide victory against Mondale (Fritz Mondale only won Minnesota and Washington D.C.). Will Howard Dean do any better by openly pressing for a repeal to the tax cuts? I will admit that he’d almost HAVE to do a little better than Mondale. There are certainly more left wing liberals now than there were in 1984, but I still don’t believe that Dean could ever win with his openness about raising taxes. He'd be better off doing what politicians do best: lying.

So, if you plan on voting in the Democratic Primary your best bet is Howard Dean, because there’s no possible way he could ever win…well…it might not be YOUR best bet, but it’s certainly the Republican party’s best bet.

“Dean, Dean he’s our man, if he CAN do it…I’m moving to Canada.”

  Me

After posting twice already, It dawned on me that maybe, just maybe, some of you reading this would like to know a little about who's writing it. Just things like, oh I don't know...MY NAME.

Call me Newman. Most people don't, but I'd like it if you did. It'd make me feel better. My real name is Daniel, apparantly prounounced, "Dano," "Dan the Man," "Dan Dog," "Dano my Mano," or (my favorite) "Danimal." My whole life no one has actually called me by my name for more than two minutes. So I'll stick with Newman if you don't mind!

I was born and raised in good ol' Illinois where the corn is high and so are the teenagers...and most of the adults...and a handful of the young'uns too. Well, at least that's how it was where I grew up. "In Chicago?" you ask. No no no my silly misguided friends. I currently live in the very tiny itsy bitsy teeny weeny village known only as "Thawville." Population: 250 (on a good day). The excitement around here consists mainly of going to the post office and coming back home to wait for a new day to come so you can rush back to the post office. There are no stores, no theatres, no bars (the one we had "caught on fire"), and no gas stations. Don't get me wrong, I love living in a town where the biggest crime commited is stealing a tomato from the neighbors garden. We do have our share of pretty outrageous crimes, but it's not the norm.

Anyway, you've heard enough about T-Town. Back to what's important here: Me. I identify myself as a conservative republican and if that offends you in any way please let me be the first to laugh at you and call you names. This site will mainly be dedicated to me and my conservative ways. (Bush in '04)

I'm also a musician. I sing and am a semi-skilled percussionist. Starting Fall of '03 I'll be attending Millikin University and majoring in Music Education.

That's me in a nutshell. Study this. There might be a quiz later...

  Frank's Call to Arms!

Frank J. of IMAO has asked of us, the bloggers, what no other man has ever asked of us. He has asked us to join him in a war. A war against an evil known to many as the Puppy Blender. Why should we fight a war that is sure to become bloody as hell for all who join and that in which most won't come out alive!?! (What terrible sentence structure...) For starters, war kicks ass. Second, The Enemy, aka Puppy Blending-Hobo Killer, is stealing all of the blog readers and using them to build commie feminazis or something like that (read Frank's call to arms at the above link). No one can actually be sure what he's doing behind the closed doors of his evil fortress in the sky. Whatever it is we must join the side of good, Frank's side, and destory the enemy before it's too late! Say, "Nay!" to his puppy blending! Join the Alliance!

  Well hello there...

Here's an experiment of mine to see if I have the "big boy" skills to run a site NOT on geocities. More likely than not I'll fail miserably, but it's at least worth a try. The purpose of this site is for me to rant and for you to read. Me rant, you read. If you do/don't like what I have to say, email me about it. NEWMANIWHS@YAHOO.COM

Oh, and if there are any grammar or spelling mistakes EVER...they all serve a purpose...you figure out what that purpose is...